“You’re right,” she said thoughtfully. “It’s not real life. But you knew Dante in real life before this. It’s not like he’s changed who he is. And that’s the part that matters, right?”
I closed my eyes against my oncoming headache. “Sometimes I think part of the reason why I said yes to Sterling was because if he cheated on me, I would get over it. If Dante did, I don’t know if I’d recover. It kills me to be here and see him flirting with and falling for other women. I’m in this constant state of jealousy and wanting to maim people.”
She paused again. “I think that says something important, don’t you?”
I did. And I had spent all these weeks fighting against it, trying to stay on course and keep going down the path I had already chosen. I tried to hide my feelings under teasing or insults, but the truth was that I had fallen for Dante. I might already be in love with him. I couldn’t even be sure because I didn’t have anything else to compare it to. I had never felt this way about any other man.
Not even my fiancé.
And now there was a fork in the road and whichever branch I took was going to change my entire life.
“Sterling at least says he loves me. He wants to marry me. All Dante’s ever done is flirt with me. I don’t know if he even has feelings for me.”
Another pause. “I think he has feelings for you. I think he’s in love with you.”
“You think or you know?” My heart leapt in anticipation, ready to burst.
“If you’re trying to find out whether he’s told me anything, he hasn’t. I’m just basing it on what I’ve seen.” The deflated, sinking feeling inside me had to mean something.
But was that enough? Was it worth taking a risk if I didn’t even know whether Dante was capable of loving and being faithful to one woman?
I was taking him home to meet my parents, and I was going to go and see his family. Maybe I should take that time seriously. Treat it like it was real, and like we weren’t pretending.
And maybe I should let Dante say whatever I’d been trying to keep him from saying all along. He might be in love with me, but it could have been just about the physical for him. I probably should find out.
I needed to know one way or the other, but was that fair to Sterling? Should I call him and tell him? What would I say? I couldn’t even articulate to myself everything that I was feeling. How could I explain things to him? Was it fair to let things go ahead like normal without giving him a heads-up?
It might be a huge mistake to call him. What if when I saw him again, all of this Dante stuff melted away? What if I called off the wedding and it ended up being the worst thing I’d ever done? I might really regret it.
I also might regret walking away from Dante.
Still such a mess. “What am I going to do?”
“You’re going to have to decide that. Much as I would love to take over your life and make all your decisions for you, that’s not realistic. It has to be your choice. I do think that Dante will make you happier than Sterling ever will.”
“Should I call Sterling?”
“I don’t think you should do anything until you’ve made a decision. Don’t talk to Dante about it, and don’t talk to Sterling about it. Stay the course, keep your career intact, and figure it out when you leave the show. You do what makes you happy. I mean seriously, when did we decide to start letting boys be responsible for our happiness?”
“I was thirteen.”
She laughed and said, “I was twenty-four.” Which made us both laugh, and I did feel better. I told her I’d see her soon, and we hung up.
Dante walked into the room, as if he’d been waiting just outside the door for the right moment to enter. I wondered if he’d been eavesdropping. My heartbeat started a low, worried thud in my chest. I began to say something to him, but he kissed me on the cheek, took the phone, and said, “See you in a few days.”
I could only pray that he hadn’t heard what I’d said about him and about Sterling, because he could use it to his advantage, to keep sucking me in and making me fall for him before he walked away and left me alone.