He didn’t get upset though. He just looked at me in that way of his and said, “Every night, Limone.”
There was nothing to do after that but excuse myself and hurry back to my room before he got any ideas.
Or before I got any.
I practically ran back, making sure to lock every single door. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why I was so willing to ruin my entire future for lust.
But I did know one thing for sure.
The exposure therapy was not working.
I heard him return to his room. I thought he might knock and try to talk to me, but he didn’t. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or upset. I just kept rerunning our conversation over and over in my head. What he said, how he said it, what it meant, and whether it was real or just some kind of game that he wanted to play.
Mostly I thought about what he’d said regarding me.
It was probably three o’clock in the morning when I realized that my hotel room had a phone with a landline. I’d been without a phone for so long that it hadn’t even occurred to me that I might have one now.
Kat was going to kill me, but I needed her.
She picked up on the fourth ring. “Just so you know, the next time I see you, I am going to smack you.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I really needed to talk to you.”
“What has he done now?” She sounded exhausted and mumbled her words.
“Am I a control freak?”
She was quiet for so long I thought she might have fallen back asleep. “Is this a trick question? I feel like there’s not a right answer here.” She didn’t sound sleepy anymore.
“The right answer is no!”
Another long pause. “Even if it’s not true?”
“I am not a control freak! I don’t want to control everything. I know I can’t.”
“You kind of do. And that’s okay. People who know and love you understand and accept that about you. That’s just you. Like how I’m screwed up emotionally and almost totally ruined my chance at true love. Nico and you know that about me and you both love me anyway.”
I didn’t know what to say. I had never, ever thought of myself that way. And now two of my closest friends were telling me that’s exactly how I was.
“Are you attracted to him?”
A pain started throbbing in between my eyebrows. “That’s not the issue. That has never been the issue.”
“Do you like being with him?”
I did, more than I should. “Yes, we’re friends. And before you ask any more questions that you already know the answer to, there isn’t a future with him, and that’s the problem. I need to make different choices. Be with a different kind of man. You understand that, don’t you?”
She sighed. “There are no guarantees, Lemon. Even Sterling can’t make you a guarantee for the future.”
“I shouldn’t have come here. I should have said no. Because . . . I have to tell you something that you can’t tell anyone else.”
I heard a noise that sounded like sheets rustling, and I could imagine her sitting straight up in bed. She did love a good secret. “I promise I won’t say anything.”
“I’m not missing Sterling. Like, at all.”
“You know what they say. Absence makes the heart go wander.”
“I think that’s supposed to be ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’”
“Not in your case.”
I couldn’t even laugh. But I was glad I had finally said it out loud. I had kept it buried inside me because I didn’t want to think about what I might have to do if I admitted it.
“Don’t you think you should miss him?”
Of course I thought I should miss him. I didn’t know if it said something about me, or something about our relationship.
Or if it said something about Dante.
“You remember how I was right after we left Monterra and I was apart from Nico.”
During their time apart, Kat had been the most miserable person alive. I’d never seen anyone so sad and depressed. I had actually worried for her mental health.
And I’d never felt that way about Sterling while I’d been away from him. Not even once.
“Maybe it’s because I’m just secure in our relationship,” I rationalized.