I look for your Rose in every face, dead and living. But there are so many, and all of them are ravaged by hunger and grief and loss, even the faces of the enemy. I swear, it’s sometimes hard to tell which faces do belong to the so-called ‘enemy’. Deserters hide as civilians to avoid capture, not only by us, but also by their own army, and civilians surprise you with hospitality and gratitude. I met a group of four displaced men travelling together – two had escaped from a German prison camp, and the other two were shot-down German airmen trying to get back to their base. All we did was trade cigarettes. Strip men of uniforms and badges and they are just men.
A year and a half ago, when we first lost track of Julie, I remember you described the way people disappear into the Nazi death machine like an unlucky lapwing hitting the propeller of a Lancaster bomber – nothing left but feathers blowing away in the aircraft’s wake, as if those warm wings and beating heart had never existed. It has happened to tens of thousands of people. Maybe hundreds of thousands or even millions. They are gone. They have vanished without leaving even a vapour trail. Everywhere I go I meet people who are hunting for husbands, mothers, children, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, lovers, and they are all gone.
Your friend Rose has evaporated with them. I don’t know what else to tell you, Maddie.
What a miserable letter! And your last one to me was so full of encouragement and flying stories. I am afraid you will cry when you read this one. I wish I hadn’t mentioned the frozen children. But you know I would never be anything less than wholly honest with you.
Here is better news to end with – surprising, but positive at least. The Boy Nick has got married. I think it was partly a way for him to cope with losing Rose, but partly, it is true, he has found another lovely girl. His new bride is also American, a Red Cross worker who does counselling and social work for the troops. She is not made of the same strong stuff your Rose was, but to tell the truth the Boy Nick isn’t either. Maybe it’s as well they didn’t tie the knot last summer.
I am desperate for it to be over now, and to see you again and to be with you always.
Thine ain true
Jamie
This pretty book is all that’s left of Rose and her poetry. She’s written my name in the front – ‘A present from Maddie Brodatt’. The army nurses she was staying with at Camp Los Angeles found it in her camp bed. I should have sent it to her mother and father, I suppose, but I haven’t got the heart. I remember when I gave it to her, to write Celia’s accident report in.
Oh, Rose, Rose. Bloody, bloody hell.
I’ve lost you – lost another friend – ‘as if those warm wings and beating heart had never existed’. This war has taken my best friend and my bridesmaid from me in the space of a year. IT ISN’T FAIR.
Oh, Rose – when the US Air Force transport pilot from Camp Los Angeles dropped your notebook off at Operations in Hamble last September, for a long time I still hoped you’d turn up and I could give it back to you. I know it’s possible to crash-land in occupied Europe and make it out alive. I know.
So I find it impossible to ‘close the book’ – to accept that you’re not coming back. And just in case I’m right, I am going to leave your notebook and my letters for you to collect at the American Embassy in Paris. I think you’re as likely to end up there as anywhere, if you’re still alive. Your Uncle Roger is in on my plot and has already filled a safe-deposit box there with a little money for you and a letter from your family. He’s told the Embassy to put you up at the Ritz Paris until other arrangements are made for you. What it’s like to have relatives in high places! Not that it makes much difference to you now.
Writing to you like this makes me feel that you are still alive. It’s an illusion I’ve noticed before – words on a page are like oxygen to a petrol engine, firing up ghosts. It only lasts while the words are in your head. After you put down the paper or the pen, the pistons fall lifeless again.
If this message ever reaches you – I know you have family in England and plenty of loving friends and family back home in America – but my mother-in-law, Esmé Beaufort-Stuart, says that you have got a home from home with her as well and please to contact her without hesitation. It is a better address to leave than mine – at the moment I am still being sent all over everywhere with work, and I don’t know where I’ll be by the time this ever catches up with you. Esmé’s address, you probably know, is Craig Castle, Castle Craig, Aberdeenshire. That is pretty much also her telephone number, which I don’t actually know – I just ask the operator for Craig Castle when I ring them.
Esmé has always been generous about giving a home to waifs and strays and other exiles. There is a band of tinkers who stop on their riverbank every year for a month – Julie and Jamie were so familiar with them as children that they picked up their strange dialect! And then there are the evacuee lads from Glasgow, whom you’ve met – Esmé has actually adopted two of them now, though the others have gone home. She has also got a dozen wounded airmen convalescing there. For Esmé, I think, the war effort will continue for a while after the war has officially ended.
And, of course, there is me. I am one of her waifs and strays too. She would do anything for me, I think, so on my behalf and by her own invitation, you must consider Craig Castle one of your homes from home. Bring your friends.
That’s given me hope – a vision of you and a lot of other Rose-like people drinking coffee and singing songs from Girl Guide camp, while Esmé plays the piano, in the morning sunlight of the Little Drawing Room at Craig Castle.
Your fellow pilot and loving friend,
Maddie