“What happened?” Blake asked again.
“I failed him.” Regardless of what they discovered, he should have made sure Trevor was okay. That was more important than anything else. “I let him go when I shouldn’t have. Help me.” The words felt so foreign on his tongue. He squeezed his fist so tightly, the nails on Simon’s left hand dug into his palm. Had he ever asked for help before? No matter how hard things got—when he wanted his dad to spend time with him so badly, with Heather or anyone else in his life, he’d never asked for help. It was worth it for Trevor. “Help me,” he begged. “Help me find him.”
Blake paused, his eyes firmly on Simon. Blake didn’t move as he studied Simon, studied him in a way he’d never done before. The anger that he usually had when he looked at Simon wasn’t there anymore. It was almost as if he finally trusted Simon, just when it might be too late. “We’ll find him. He’ll be okay. I promise you, we’ll find him.”
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
It felt as though Trevor just closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, he was in San Francisco. He didn’t remember driving here, didn’t remember making the choice to come, but he had to have, because he was here.
It was different than when he’d come with Simon. Even though he had ghosts hiding in the corners, just as many here as he had back home, and even though he’d been nervous and uncomfortable coming back, he almost felt resigned this time. With Simon, those ghosts hadn’t shined so brightly. They’d stay hidden, whispering for Trevor to find them rather than the loud voices in his brain, yelling for his attention this time.
He’d just been biding his time, really. It wasn’t like he would be able to stay clean forever. Not him. He’d liked it too much. The high was too exciting, too much fun. Life? Responsibility? Trying so damn hard? What did that get him? He would always be the same Trevor. There was no changing that, no matter how much he wanted to be someone else. No matter how much he wanted to be the guy Blake could depend on, who didn’t break his own mother’s heart on a regular basis, and the kind of man who deserved Simon, that would never be Trevor. Not after all he’d done. What was the purpose of continuing to fight it?
No. He shook his head. He couldn’t do this. He wouldn’t. Trevor refused to throw away his new life. He fought to drown out the devil in his head with everything that meant something to him, everything good in his life: Mom, Blake, Rock Solid, Simon...
The thought of letting them down made another wave of nausea hit him, but there was nothing left in his stomach to lose. He’d left everything back at Simon’s. Maybe he’d even left the Trevor he’d tried to become in Rockford Falls as well.
Trevor rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands, trying to take away the vision of Simon’s house, of seeing Greg at the door and doing nothing. Of getting out of the car and walking away. Of the pain in Simon’s eyes every time he spoke about surgery, and how it intensified when he realized Trevor was connected to it. When he realized what everyone else knew already about Trevor—that eventually he would let everyone down.
Just once... One more time, to help take the edge off. To help get through...
He knew exactly where to go.
***
Twenty-four hours passed since Trevor walked out of Simon’s house. His phone started going straight to voicemail a long time ago. Either it died, or he’d turned it off.
Blake led Simon through all the places Trevor used to go in Rockford Falls. When they couldn’t find him there, they went to San Francisco.
Unfortunately, Blake wasn’t as familiar with Trevor’s old stomping grounds in the city, so they basically drove around and hoped to get lucky.
They hadn’t.
Each second that went by, the heavier the anchor in Simon’s gut got. The more the ache in his chest intensified. It was like something inside him was breaking, breaking in a way he’d never known. He needed to find Trevor.
Simon should have known better. No matter how he felt when he found out, he should have made sure Trevor was okay. That’s what a person did when they loved someone. They put them first. Simon had never done that in his life. He wasn’t sure he knew how.
Blake’s voice from the passenger seat snapped Simon out of his thoughts. “I always looked up to my brother. It’s funny, because we’re twins, we’re alike in so many ways, but I always wanted to be more like him. There’s something about Trevor people love. They want to be around him. He makes them feel good. Makes them laugh. I’ve never had that.” Blake faced the window, looking out. Funny, Simon knew that’s how Trevor felt about Blake.