Blake turned and headed for the hallway, and his bedroom. For a minute, Trevor stood there, unable to breathe. Was it true? Did he really put all his energy into one thing? Did he move from drugs to Simon? He didn’t think so...but then, what had he done with Blake outside of work? Or Jason. They’d invited him. There were things they could do that didn’t involve partying. He believed it was because he couldn’t handle how they looked at him, but was he fooling himself? Using it as an excuse?
“I asked you to go jogging with me. I wanted you to.” Jogging? That’s all he could come up with?
Blake didn’t respond.
But then, Trevor let Blake’s words sink in, really sink in, and heard them. ”You really feel that way? Like you live in my shadow?” How in the hell could Blake feel that way? He was the good one. He was the one who never screwed up. He was the one Trevor should model his behavior after.
Blake stopped walking and stood in front of his door. “I was never like you. I was more cautious, which meant not as much fun. People flocked to you, they loved you. The only person who wanted me over you was Jace. And that’s just because...” He crossed his arms and turned to face Trevor. “You’re only six minutes older than me, but you always felt like my big brother. I always wanted to be like you. I only had the balls to admit I was gay after you did. I was always the boring one, and you were the fun one. That was okay because we were a team. We had each other. It hurt to lose that, man. I just wanted my brother back.”
Damned if Trevor’s eyes didn’t go blurry. Somehow he’d missed it all. “I felt the same way about you. Christ, Blake, I couldn’t do anything without knowing I had you with me. It was easy for me to come out because I knew you were, too. You think I could have done that shit alone? I always wanted to be like you—smart, determined, responsible. I was the fuck-up who couldn’t do shit without his little brother. I still can’t.”
They stood twenty-five feet away from each other, their eyes never diverting.
“It’s hard to be around you because I don’t want to let you down anymore. There’s nothing I hate more than letting you down,” Trevor admitted.
“You don’t have to be perfect. I just want my brother.”
Trevor moved toward his brother, and pulled him into a hug. He couldn’t even remember the last time he hugged him. “You have me, man. We’re a team. Always.”
They still had things to figure out. Trevor needed to put some serious thought into Blake’s words...if he was right about Trevor putting all of his energy into one thing. But they were okay. For the first time in a long time, Trevor and his brother were okay.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
“This is where you used to work?” Trevor looked at the sign for Roosevelt Heart and Vascular Institute in San Francisco.
“I was the head surgeon here, yes.”
“Oh, not just a surgeon here, the head surgeon.” Trevor tried to laugh it off, but looking at this place, really thinking about the things Simon had done—cutting people open to fix their hearts—he felt like they were in two different worlds. In the beginning, he focused on that more, but as they spent more time together, the differences didn’t matter. They weighed heavily on Trevor today, though. They felt bigger than they used to.
“Yes. I was good, Trevor. Extremely good.” He leaned back in the driver’s seat of his car and looked out the window. “God, I miss it. I miss it so much some days I feel like I can’t breathe. How many people in the world get to do what I did? I healed people’s hearts. I might not have been in touch with mine, but I sure as hell could do miracles with other people’s.” There was a longing in Simon’s voice that hit Trevor straight in the chest. It wasn’t often that Simon opened himself up like that. It wasn’t often he sounded so passionate about anything.
“You’ll get it back. If not, you’ll realize that you can still perform miracles, even if you can’t operate. You’re a fucking doctor, Simon. That’s incredible.” Trevor believed that. He’d never done anything that mattered like that.
Simon let his eyes travel away from the building and to Trevor. “Thank you.”
Trevor shrugged. “Regardless of that whole doctor thing, you always get to say you’re fucking the best looking man in California. There’s always that.” He winked and Simon laughed. It was a long shot, trying to make Simon laugh, but Trevor was glad it worked.
“Yeah, there’s always that.” He paused for a second before adding, “I need to go in.”