He knew Trevor would ask regardless of what he said, so Simon looked at him and waited.
“Why not go back to work? You’re a doctor, regardless if you’re a heart surgeon or not.”
He wasn’t the first to say that, and logically Simon knew it was true, but... “I’m a surgeon. It’s what I want to do.” But that wasn’t the whole truth, was it? Simon had always been good at that, hiding from the truth and his emotions. Trevor made it nearly impossible. “I don’t know if I can do it...be the doctor I was, if I lost my favorite part of it. I’m afraid I don’t have it in me. It feels like failing. Like a consolation prize.”
That was about as much as he wanted to get into that. Somehow Trevor knew it because he said, “Want me to give you a blowjob on your new desk? Blowjobs always help.”
Simon laughed. “They do, but I have something to ask you, now.” His pulse sped up and he suddenly felt hot. Trevor put one hand on each of Simon’s legs and waited.
Simon almost said these words fifty times in the past couple weeks. Each time, he’d chickened out. He almost closed them off now, too, but damn, he wanted this. Holding it back wasn’t an option anymore. “Move in with me. Here. In this house.”
He felt Trevor tense up. “It’s a big step.”
It was, and he couldn’t believe he wanted to do it—share his space, his everyday life with someone, but then this wasn’t just someone. It was Trevor. He’d lost so many other things in his life, and he wanted to hold onto this. “We practically live together anyway.”
Trevor’s brows pulled together. When he spoke next, Simon wasn’t prepared for what he said. “I’m in love with you. You should know that. I’ve never been in love before, but I’m in love with you.”
He opened his mouth, expecting the same words to come tumbling out. He wasn’t good at them, though. Trevor was only the second person in his life he’d heard them from. Definitely not his father. The only person he’d said it to in his life was Heather. And even with her he didn’t say it as much as a good husband should.
But he thought he felt them...didn’t he? He felt the love. Hell, he wanted Trevor to move in with him. He wanted Trevor with him every night. He wanted to make Trevor proud. Trevor supported him in ways Simon couldn’t thank him for. He... All those thoughts were there, filling him up but Simon couldn’t voice them. Not really. “I’m going to need your help. I’ve decided to have the surgery on my hand. I can’t do it without you. Move in with me, Trev. You said you used to want this house when you were a kid, that you wanted to get a dirt bike and ride it out back; you can do that now. You missed out on too much. Take what you want now. I want to help give it to you.”
It was a coward’s way out, putting it off the way he did, but Simon still had to work through everything he felt, too. It was the best he could do right now. How could Trevor not see how much more he gave than Simon did?
Trevor waited, watched him as though he thought he could see inside Simon. Hell, maybe he could. “You get the surgery on your hand. I’ll stay here and take care of you. If that goes well, I’ll move in.”
He let the air out of his filled lungs. It had been all he could give, but somehow it turned out to be enough.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Simon had a few appointments in San Francisco over the next couple weeks. Trevor didn’t go with him to those, but he did stay at Simon’s house while he was gone. There was no reason for him not to go ahead and move in with Simon. He practically lived there already, only going home to get clothes every few days.
Something held him back, though. Maybe it was that Blake wouldn’t understand, and he was tired of fighting with his brother. They did well at work every day (they’d taken a new job), but the tension was still always there.
Blake aside, it was a big step, and big steps scared him. What if he wasn’t ready? What if he relapsed? What if Simon had to deal with living with an addict the way his mom and Blake had? The thought of putting Simon through that made him sick. The thought of becoming the person he used to be scared him to death.
So he still pretended like Simon having the surgery would give him some clarity. Like it would change something inside of Trevor, when it couldn’t.
He knew what he wanted—Simon. He just had to make sure his head was on straight.
When the doctors in the city decided Simon was a good candidate for the procedure, he knew he had to say something to his family...because he would be leaving with Simon for a few days. Because he would need time off. Because he was in love with Simon, and maybe he owed it to his family to show them how serious Trevor was about him.