She headed out of the lodge and down the road toward the cabin, hoping she’d find Diaz there. He was sitting on the chair they’d occupied earlier tonight. Her body pulsed with heat as she recalled the two of them together on that chair.
How could a man filled with so much warmth, so much passion, ever worry about hurting her? Didn’t he recognize his own feelings toward her?
Probably not. Sometimes men needed a good slap upside the head.
She didn’t sit next to him, instead opting to lean against the railing across from him.
“Finished having your tantrum?” she asked, folding her arms across her chest.
He arched one beautiful dark brow. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. What was that about up there?”
He looked past her toward the lodge. “Nothing. Forget about it.”
“Well, that’s communicative.”
“Sometimes I don’t want to talk, Jess.”
“That’s right. Sometimes you want to avoid topics. Especially if the topic is you and me.”
His gaze shot to hers. “There is no you and me. Don’t you understand that?”
“Oh, quit being so noble and playing the Beauty and the Beast card. It’s bullshit, Diaz.” She walked past him and opened the back door into the house.
As she suspected, he followed.
“Beauty and the Beast?”
“Yeah. You’re the poor misunderstood beast, all mean and feisty. And I’m the tender beauty who sees past the monster in you, but you’re still afraid to care for me.” She rolled her eyes. “Please. It’s an old tale and it doesn’t apply to you. You’re human, not a beast. You’ll make mistakes, I’ll make mistakes. But I never figured you for a coward.”
“I’m no coward.”
His voice had gone low. That meant he was angry, trying to maintain his control. Good. At least she had his attention now.
She turned to face him. “Aren’t you? You’re too afraid to even attempt to have a relationship with me. If that isn’t cowardice, then what is it? And if you tell me one more time that you’re trying to protect me, I’m going to kick you straight in the balls.”
He opened his mouth, closed it, then damn if the corners didn’t lift into the hint of a smile. “Maybe I should be afraid of you. Christ, woman, you’re feisty when you’re angry.”
“Yes, maybe you should be afraid of me, Diaz, because I don’t like being told how I should and shouldn’t feel. And I don’t need protecting. I haven’t needed protecting since I was fifteen years old. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m an adult now. A woman. And I have feelings, goddammit. Why don’t you try noticing how I feel about you?”
“How do you feel about me, Jess?”
“I love you! Are you some kind of idiot that you can’t figure that out on your own?”
Okay, so that had come out in a fit of anger. Probably not her best declaration of love, but she’d said it. It was out there. Ball was in his court now. What was he going to do with it?
He stared up at her with a shocked expression on his face.
She’d laugh if this entire situation wasn’t so utterly pathetic. “You had no idea, did you?” How could he not know? Wasn’t it obvious? Wasn’t she obvious?
He wavered there on his feet for a few seconds, his hands jammed in his pockets. She started toward him.
“Don’t,” he said.
She stopped.
“Don’t love me, Jess.”
Her chest tightened. “It doesn’t work that way, Diaz. You can’t tell someone not to care about you.”
“I can’t give you what you need.”
“Yes, you can.”
He shook his head. “It won’t work. I’m not the kind of guy you want.”
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?” Maybe he just needed a little push, a little convincing . . .
“I don’t . . . I don’t have the same feelings for you.”
And just like that, the squeezing in her chest exploded. She’d heard the words he’d said but didn’t want to believe them. And yet they echoed over and over in her thick skull, finally tearing through.
Tears welled in her eyes. She blinked them back, refusing to cry, refusing to fall apart like a child. She’d told him she was an adult, a woman, that she was tough.
Well, she was. She was going to stand there and take his rejection, even though she was shattering inside. Because there was nothing she could say in response to that.
He didn’t love her. Spence had been wrong. She had been wrong.
Now she understood. Diaz had enjoyed the sex between them, but that had been it. Maybe he did care about her, but he didn’t love her. Nothing was going to make him change his mind.
She inhaled and nodded. “Okay, then.”
“I’m sorry, Jess.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m sorry.” Her voice cracked. She was going to lose it. “It’s cold out here. I’m going to bed.”
“Wait.”
“No. I’m through waiting.” She brushed past him and walked into the house, shutting the door, swiping at the tears running down her cheeks.
She barely made it to the bathroom, closing and locking the door before the waterworks started in a rush. She turned the faucet on full force so Diaz wouldn’t be able to hear her sobs.
FOURTEEN
NO SLEEP. DIAZ HADN’T GOTTEN EVEN A MINUTE OF IT LAST night.
Between his own guilt and the crying Jessie had tried to hide from him, he couldn’t even think about sleeping. He’d heard her through the walls, and it was like a knife tearing into his gut. He’d caused her pain, the one thing he swore he didn’t want to do.
So he’d stayed outside, huddled up in the chair, the blanket his only warmth.
Why? Because he was an A number one asshole, and the biggest liar.
Jessie had bared her soul to him last night. What had it taken for her to share her feelings like she had? God, she was so brave. And what he had done when faced with the truth? He’d lied to her. He’d acted like an utter pussy, had turned tail and run like hell.
What he’d done to her was unforgivable. Because he did love her. Everything inside him had screamed to tell her. The words hovered on his lips as soon as she’d said them to him. It would have been so easy.
And so wrong.
So he’d lied, told her he didn’t love her back. And he’d destroyed her. He’d seen it on her crestfallen face, could almost feel her crushing pain. He felt it all night long.
He should never have touched her, should have stayed aloof and away from her from the start. That would have been the best way to handle the situation. She was young. He was older, more experienced. He could have let her down easily, told her that he wasn’t interested, before things had ever gotten started between them. Instead, he’d touched her, loved her, gotten inside her physically as well as emotionally.
And he’d fallen in love with her. Hell, he’d already been in love with her before they’d ever made love. Touching her had only cemented what he already felt.
She knew it, and he knew it. He was the only one denying it.
But wasn’t that better—to hurt her now rather than later on? Because he would hurt her, only later would be worse. Much worse. He knew it as sure as he knew his own name.
She’d feel some pain now, but she’d get over it—get over him. She’d move on, find another guy. A nice guy. And then she’d laugh again, be her old self again. She’d forget about him.
The thought of it made his insides twist. The thought of another man kissing her sweet mouth, laying his hands on her full breasts, sliding inside her warmth and taking what was—
No. She wasn’t his. Not anymore. The sooner they both got used to the idea, the better.
Fog snaked along the river at the bottom of the hill, and the sun had begun its slow rise through the trees. He cursed the light, preferring the darkness that equaled his black mood. He rose, tossing the now damp blanket on the chair, and stepped inside the cabin, quietly heading toward the bathroom. Jessie was a huddle of blankets in the middle of the bed as he walked by. He paused for a fraction of a second, the urge to climb in there and pull her against him and feel her body next to his so damn strong it hurt. Instead, he grabbed clean clothes, shut the bathroom door, stripped, and turned on the shower, letting the hot water slide over him, hoping it would wash away the regret.
He didn’t feel that much better after the shower, though at least he wasn’t dragging as much. He might make it through the day. When he came out of the bathroom, Jessie was still huddled under the covers. It was barely past dawn, doubtful anyone would be up yet. He sat on the sofa in the one-room cabin and propped his feet on the worn coffee table, watching her sleep.
Rays of dawn spun a golden glow over the bed, highlighting her face. She squinted to block out the light, showcasing the smudges under her eyes. He wondered how much sleep she’d gotten last night. Probably not a whole lot. His fault. She deserved better. A guy who wouldn’t make her unhappy. Didn’t that prove he was making the right decision, or was he just rationalizing to make himself feel less like an asshole?
God, he was tired. He scrubbed his hand over his face, letting his eyes drift closed.
Diaz fought to open his eyes. They felt like they had sand in them. He lifted his head, palming the back of his neck. Blinking to clear away the haze, he sat up, realizing he’d fallen asleep on the sofa. Sunlight streamed into the cabin, making the wood floors shine. He turned to the bed. It was neatly made up, and when he looked around, there was no sign of Jessie.
He stood, went to the bathroom. The door was ajar, so he pushed it open. She wasn’t in there. She’d left the cabin.
Hell. How long had he slept? He lifted his cell phone out of his pocket, then muttered a curse. Ten in the morning. He’d slept five hours. So much for doing fine without any sleep. He hadn’t heard her get up and move around at all. She either walked around on cat feet or he’d been utterly dead to the world.
Probably a bit of both.
He put on his boots and walked up to the lodge to check on Spence. That’s where he found Jessie, sitting next to Spence.
“I’ll be back later,” she said as soon as she spotted him.
She skirted past him without making eye contact.
“So what did you do to piss her off?” Spence asked.
Diaz shut the door. “I don’t want to talk about it. How do you feel?”
“Like an axe went through my leg. Other than that, fine. Mark came in this morning to change the dressing. Said no sign of infection.”
“That’s good. Can you move at all?”
“Yeah. I can get up to go to the bathroom. Other than that, the doc says no movement for a day or so, which really sucks.”
“Hey, it could have been worse. Your bike could have been totaled. Fortunately, the only thing that got hurt was your body.”
Spence snorted. “True.”
“I let Grange know what happened.”
“Yeah? What did he say?”
“That you shouldn’t go off by yourself anymore and that you’re a dumbass, but he’s glad you’re not dead. Oh, and next time hang on to the bike.”
Spence laughed. “Sounds like Grange. Make sure you follow his advice and don’t do what I did. Somebody didn’t want me following that trail last night.”
“I took care of that. We’ll make sure next time we know exactly where they’re going, and we can follow from a safe distance.”
“What did you do?”
“I put GPS tracking devices on a few of those bikes that were out riding last night.”
“Somewhere they won’t notice?”
“They’re microchips and well hidden. Trust me, they won’t even see them. If they take off again without the entire gang, I’ll be able to track them.”