“No, I don’t do cocaine.” I shook my head.
“Heroine?”
“No.”
“Meth?” Her voice rose and she looked surprised. “You look too preppy for a meth addict.”
“I’m not an addict.”
“Then why are you here?” She sounded annoyed.
“To understand.” I said softly.
“To understand what?”
“What it’s like to be an addict.”
“Oh.” She pulled her hair to her lips and started sucking on it.
“Why are you here?” I smiled. “Addicted to sucking your hair?” I teased her lightly.
“Alcohol.” She shrugged and looked down. “And company.”
“Company?” I looked around the room. Most people were sitting in chairs by themselves, not communicating.
“It’s not Glee Club.” She said shrilly. “But we all come every week. I can count on them.”
“For what?”
“To be there.” She shrugged.
“I see.” Though I didn’t really. I looked at the small group of people and looked back at the door. “I guess I should leave.” I said softly, the most unsure I’d ever been in my life.
“You don’t have to leave.” She shook her head, her eyes disappointed. “We could always use another member.”
“I’m not an addict though. I don’t want to take time away from anyone else.”
“But you came to understand right?” She asked softly as I nodded. “I wish my boyfriend would come.”
“You have a boyfriend?” I looked at her skinny body and greasy hair and had to admit I was surprised. “Sorry that was rude.” I said quickly.
“No need to apologize.” She laughed. “It takes a lot more than that to get me down.”
“I didn’t mean to be rude. Clementine says I talk without thinking sometimes.”
“Who’s Clementine? Your girl?” She looked at me thoughtfully.
I nodded in response, feeling guilty that I was even here. For some reason I felt like I was cheating on Clementine. I knew she’d be hurt if she knew I was here, but I hadn’t known how to tell her how I felt. I was ashamed of myself for my feelings. I was ashamed that a part of me just wanted to forget my mother even existed. I was ashamed that I felt so empty inside, when I should have been the happiest in my life.
“She pretty?” The girl in front of me continued sucking her hair. “She must be real pretty if she got a guy like you.”
“A guy like me?”
“A guy with big blue eyes and a handsome face.” She laughed. “I’m an addict. I’m not blind.”
“I’m really not all that.” I said modestly and then laughed. I could imagine the face Clementine would have made if she’d witnessed this conversation.
“So is Clementine the one with the problem?” The girl paused. “Let me guess, she’s addicted to crack and you don’t know how to tell your blue-blood parents that their perfect son is caught up with a crackhead from the wrong side of the tracks.”
“I’m no blueblood.” I said with a drawl and laughed at her shocked expression. “And Clementine is not a crackhead or from the wrong side of the tracks.”
“So who’s the dope head?”
“No one’s a dope head.” I said softly.
“Oh.” I knew she wanted to ask more, but she thought better of it.
“My mom’s an alcoholic.” I said softly. “And she’s dying.”
“Oh.” She said again and this time she removed the hair from her mouth and brushed it away from her face. I could see now that she was prettier than I’d initially thought. “That’s tough.”
“I don’t understand why she won’t stop drinking.” I said softly. “That’s why I’m here. I want to understand. I want to feel compassion.” My heart broke as I spoke. “I want to feel whole.”
“Abuse? Rape? Repressed mental trauma? Depression?” She said softly. “Those things usually lead to alcoholism. At least they did to mine.”
“I’m sorry.” I said awkwardly, having forgotten that she also had an alcohol problem.
“Don’t worry about it. My boyfriend Jim says stuff to me all the time.” She shrugged. “Way more hurtful, but I still love him.”
“What’s your name?”
“Caroline.”
“I’m Rhett.”
“Like Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind?”
“Just like Rhett Butler.” I nodded.
“I should have guessed from your drawl.” She looked at her watch. “We should grab a seat, Bill will be here soon and he likes to start right away.”
“Maybe I should go.” I said again, uncertainly. I wasn’t even sure why I’d ended up here. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting to figure out.
“Don’t go.” She grabbed my arm, her eyes pleading with me. “Maybe you’ll find some answers.”
“I doubt it.”
“You never know. It helps me to come.” She gave me a wistful smile, her eyes looking suddenly bleak. “These meetings are like a glimpse of sunshine in my grey days.”
“Oh, I don’t—”
“I sound depressing, don’t I?” She giggle suddenly. “Jim always tells me to smile. He says that’s my best asset.”