“That’s right. It’s more about logic and life-span. And choice. Because we are a matriarchal society, we can choose without judgment or condemnation. Does that help you with your problem?”
“Well, yes and no. Thanks for explaining the multiple guy thing to me, but I still don’t know what to do about the Heath slash Aurox thing,” I said miserably.
“Why do you have to do anything?”
“Because I have done something. And ignoring it isn’t fair to Aurox or to Stark.” I sighed again. “Or, I guess, to Heath.”
“So you have taken Aurox as your lover, along with Stark?”
“No!” I squeaked, and peeked over Persephone’s shoulder at Lenobia. She gazed steadily back at me, nonjudgmental and serene. “I drank a little of his blood, though,” I admitted.
“And because you’re not like a normal first-year fledgling, that’s very addictive and exciting for you. Correct?”
“Yeah, correct,” I admitted.
“Does Stark know?”
“Oh, god, no! He’d totally freak. He’s already acting like a possessive jerk whenever Aurox is anywhere near me.”
“But he knows you were mated to Heath and that Heath’s soul is within Aurox.”
“That’s why he’s acting like a possessive jerk. Apparently it’s not okay with Stark for me to see Heath, ur, Aurox. And as far as Stark knows we’ve hardly even talked to each other.”
“Aurox is drawn to you.”
She didn’t phrase it as a question, but I answered. “Yeah, he is. It’s because Heath’s inside him. It’s not like a conscious thing. It’s weird—and unsettling. Aurox will just be this kid who is kinda cute, but who I’m not particularly attracted to or anything, and then—bam!—I’ll blink and he’ll say or do something that is so Heath-like that it makes my heart hurt.”
“If you weren’t bonded with Stark, would you want to be with Aurox?”
I chewed my lip. “I’m not sure. I love Heath. I’ll always love Heath. But Aurox isn’t really my Heath.”
“You mean it’s like how Kalona was drawn to you because within you is the maiden A-ya’s soul, and he recognized her presence?”
That comparison surprised me, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. “I think you’re right about that. Wow, that actually makes it easier for me. Kalona did want me because of A-ya, and I have to admit I could feel a deep pull toward him, too. But it wasn’t real. I’m not A-ya, and I didn’t choose to love him. Aurox isn’t Heath. He doesn’t need to choose to love me—remnants of Heath love me, that’s all.”
“I hate to complicate things for you, but to be fair you need to know that Aurox could love you as well. Travis is a reincarnation of my only mate, Martin. He does not have Martin’s memories. He is actually very dissimilar to my Martin, and yet he is as eternally devoted to me as I am to him.” Lenobia’s smile was tender, her eyes filled with tears. “You do get to take love with you, and some of us are lucky enough to find it again.”
“Lenobia, I’m super happy for you, but you did just complicate the crap out of this for me,” I said.
“Zoey, your situation was already complicated. Do you want my advice on how I would handle it?”
“Hell yes,” I said.
“This is going to sound cold, selfish even, but were I in your place, I would decide who I truly wanted to be with without worrying about what either of those boys wanted. The only way you will ever be content with your choice is if you make it for yourself and not for someone else.”
I put down the curry brush and stared at her. “Is it really as simple as that?”
“If you can be honest with yourself, and then follow through with that honesty, yes, it is,” Lenobia said.
“You’ve given me a lot to think about, but at least now I have a direction to go,” I said.
“You have to love and be true to yourself before anyone else can love and be true to you.”
The bell that signaled the end of school rang. I fisted my hand over my heart and bowed respectfully to her. “Thank you, Lenobia.”
Lenobia returned the traditional gesture and said, “I wish you always to blessed be, Zoey Redbird.”
“Stark, we need to talk.” I hated to say those words probably as much as Stark hated to hear them. I mean, who doesn’t? Has anyone’s mom or dad, girlfriend or boyfriend, teacher or boss ever started a good conversation with them?
“Okay, but I thought we were going to watch Big Bang Theory and, you know, spend some alone time together.” He gave me a halfhearted attempt at his cocky grin.
“Well, we can still do that. Maybe. If you want to after we talk.”“You’re freaking me out,” he said.
I held my hand out to him. He took it and sat next to me on the bed. “I have to say some things to you that are gonna probably be hard for you to hear, but you don’t need to be freaked.”
“Because no matter what I’ll always be your Warrior and Guardian?”
He looked super nervous. I threaded my fingers through his. “Yes, that’s part of it, but there’s also the part about me loving you.”
“Oh, good. I like that part.”
“Me, too,” I said. “But I also have to like you.”
“I thought you just said you did.”
“No, I just said I loved you. And I do. But you’ve been doing some things lately that I don’t like very much and we have to talk about it.”
“What do you mean?”
I decided that if I was going to be honest with myself, I had to be honest with Stark, so I told him the truth—straight out. “I don’t like how you treat me when Aurox is around. You act like a possessive jerk, and I want you to stop.”
He tried to pull his hand from mine, but I wouldn’t let him. “The point is, I don’t think you are a possessive jerk. I like who you really are, and I want you to go back to being that guy, all the time.”
“Fine. Whatever.”
“No, Stark. This isn’t gonna work if you’re not honest with me, and with yourself. You’ll always be my Warrior, but if you get all defensive with me and we can’t talk about our problems, it’ll end up that you’ll only be my Warrior and nothing else.”
“Is that what you want?”
“Seriously, Stark, think about it. If that was what I wanted, why would you and I be having this conversation?”
“So, you’re not breaking up with me?”
“I hope not,” I said.
He slowly let out a long breath like he was deflating. His shoulders slumped and he stared at the floor between his feet. “Knowing that you love Aurox is driving me fucking crazy, and I’m sorry it’s made me act like a douche. I don’t know what to do about it, though, because I can’t stand to think about you being with him.”
“Okay, first, I don’t love Aurox. I love Heath. I’ll always love Heath. You know that.”
“But Aurox has Heath’s soul inside him.”
“Yep, and I’m glad he does because that’s all that saved Grandma. I’ll always appreciate Aurox for that, but I don’t love him.”
“You don’t want to be with him? For real?” Stark pulled his gaze from the floor to look at me.
“I’ve decided I don’t want to be with him. For real,” I said.
“Why not?” Then, before I could answer him, Stark cut me off, “No—no, nevermind. I don’t care why not. I just care that you don’t want to be with him. I don’t want to know anything more than that.”
Okay, I’d meant to tell Stark about me tasting Aurox’s blood, and that it was really hard for me when I caught glimpses of Heath peeking out from inside Aurox, and that I did actually still love Heath and him. But even with all of those ands I’d decided that I just couldn’t handle having more than one boyfriend at a time. Instead I didn’t get to say any of that because Stark pulled me into his arms.
“I’m so damn glad you picked me!” he whispered.
I could feel that he was trembling, so I held him and whispered, “Me, too.” Then he was kissing me with a need that burned so hot that I couldn’t think about what I’d meant to say. All I could think about was his touch and how much I loved him.
It was later, after the sun had risen and Stark slept soundly beside me, his arm draped across my body, his side pressed intimately against me, that my mind started to work again, and I knew I had to talk to Aurox.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Zoey
It wasn’t hard to slide Stark’s arm off me and sneak out of bed. Stark was totally passed out. I didn’t think an exploding bomb would wake him up. Still, I meditated on how sparkly my new phone cover was as I got dressed and tiptoed from the room.
A bomb might not wake Stark up, but my emotions going crazy probably would.
Thankfully, no one was around. Even though it was midmorning the sky was the color of a bruise and it smelled like spring thunderstorms. On the way to the field house I noticed the wisteria planted along parts of the school wall was budding up with big purple bunches of blossoms. Then I sneezed. Yep, thunderstorms, flowers, and allergies. Spring had to be coming to Oklahoma.