“Yes,” I agreed with him. The wash of shame that flooded through me nearly sickened me. I wanted to confess to the old soldier that I had been at the “sneak attack,” that I had been seen. But then I would have had to try to explain to him that it hadn’t really been me, at least not the me that stood before him now. It all suddenly seemed too complicated. The homecoming joy that I’d felt drained away. What had I been thinking, coming back here at all? There was no way I could fit myself back into this life. There were too many contradictions, secrets, and lies.
I found myself looking bleakly at Epiny. I gave her a clenched-teeth smile, resolved that I would say nothing to her of my realization. But I think she sensed my chain of thought, for she held her baby out to me and said, “Hold her. Look at her. Isn’t she beautiful? Everything does work itself out, Nevare, if we just give it enough time. Don’t be in too big of a rush to give up. All will come well in time.”
I gingerly accepted the armful of baby and looked down into her face, and in truth she struck me as an absolutely ordinary baby, one without much hair. She was so bundled up against the mild spring day that all I could see was her face and her hands. “Hello, there,” I said.
Solina looked at me, her brown eyes very wide. Then her lower lip quivered, and suddenly she began to wail. Her tiny fists flailed at the air.
“Take her back, take her back! I don’t know what to do!” I said in a panic, and held her out to Epiny, who received her with a laugh.
“It’s only because she doesn’t know you yet and your voice is so deep. Give her time. Once she gets to know you, I’ll teach you how to comfort her when she cries. After that, you can hold her as much as you like. I promise!” The last two words she spoke to the baby in such a reassuring voice that the child gave a final hiccup and quieted with a sigh.
I rather thought that I’d already held Solina as much as I’d like to, but I was wise enough not to say that aloud. “She’s absolutely amazing,” I said truthfully. “I’m sure her father agrees with me. But where is Spink? Is he coming?”
“He wasn’t home when Trooper Kesey arrived, but once I’d read the message, I knew I had to come right away. Captain Thayer had called Spink in to discuss something or other. The man can’t seem to let each officer do his own job. He’s always oversupervising everyone or demanding that all the officers convene so he can lecture them. So I couldn’t very well run and fetch him, but I’ve left a note for him on the table. I left Kara watching the smaller children while her mother did the shopping. She’s very good with them, and Sem has become quite responsible, too, for his age. And Amzil will be back home soon, so it should be all right. I didn’t say anything about you to the children; I wanted to be sure of you before I told them you had returned. Oh, Nevare, they are going to be so happy! That book you gave them? I’ve read it to them until it’s falling apart. And you would be so pleased to hear how well Kara has her letters and numbers, and even Sem is picking them up! He competes with his sister in everything. You’ll be so proud of that boy when you see him! Amzil and I cut down old uniforms to make proper trousers and jackets for him; now don’t think we’ve dressed him like a little trooper. That would be awful! I remember how horrid that was for Caulder Stiet, always dressed like a little man long before he was one. But he just loves to be dressed like Spink. And Amzil’s skills at sewing and tailoring never cease to amaze me. I’ve told her she should try to open a little dress shop; there isn’t one in Gettys, you know. She says the other women wouldn’t do business with her. I told her that once one or two started, and the others saw her work, they’d have to come to her or risk being seen as dowdy. I just know she could succeed at it if only we had the money to get her started. And Kara is so quick to learn! She’s already sewn her first sampler. Wait until you—”
I set two fingers gently to Epiny’s lips. “Let’s go the rest of the way up the hill and go inside, shall we? Perhaps Kesey has some coffee we could share while we talk. There is so much I want to hear.”
And so many decisions for me to make.
Epiny walked up the hill beside me while Kesey drove the cart and his saddle horse trailed behind. Epiny snorted with exasperation at the top of the hill when I insisted on examining the wheels and axles of the cart. I sent them ahead of me into the cabin, asking Kesey to put on some fresh coffee for all of us. I think they both knew that what I was actually doing was taking a moment to think. When at last I entered, Epiny was enthroned in my big old chair. Little Solina was propped in her lap, looking all around with very wide eyes. The aroma of fresh coffee had already begun to fill the small room.