He pulls his head back and looks me in the eye. “I love you, Claire. I’ll never stop loving you.”
I grab the back of his neck and pull him to me. I wrap my legs around his waist and he grinds against me. There are too many layers of clothing between us. I reach for the button on his jeans and he moves my hand away as he kisses my neck.
“Slow down. We have all night.”
His hand slides under my shirt as he gently sucks on my earlobe. I lift my back so he can undo my bra. I hastily peel off my tank top and bra then toss them aside. His fingers move lightly over my stomach until he reaches my breast. I draw in a sharp breath as his mouth covers my nipple. He licks me slowly and torturously, moving from one breast to the other as his hands unbutton my shorts. I lift my hips so he can pull them off, but he leaves my panties on. He takes his shirt and jeans off and tosses them onto the floor before he settles himself between my thighs again.
I can feel him stiff between my legs as his bare chest slides over my breasts. He kisses me and I gasp as his tongue parts my lips and thrusts inside my mouth. I clutch handfuls of his hair to keep his head still. I don’t want him to move. I don’t want to ever stop kissing him.
He grinds himself against me and my panties are soaked with the need to have him inside me. “Please, Chris,” I whisper against his lips.
He kisses my neck as his lips travel down to the hollow of my throat. His tongue traces a line straight down my center until his face is between my thighs. He pulls my panties off and pauses for a moment. I look down to see what he’s doing and he’s staring at me.
“I’m going to miss this,” he says, before he kisses me so lightly I can barely feel it.
His fingers part my flesh and he kisses me tenderly, teasing me with feather soft licks. The pleasure builds inside me and I grip the blanket underneath me to keep from writhing.
“Oh, Chris,” I moan.
His tongue flicks and torments me into a frenzy and soon I find my release as my body convulses with ecstasy. He lays a soft trail of kisses over my belly and kisses each of my breasts before his mouth is on mine again. He kisses me tenderly and I can feel tears coming as I think of how much I’m going to miss him when he’s gone.
He pulls his head back and looks down. His boxer briefs are gone and we both watch as he enters me slowly, my mouth opening wide in a silent gasp. I wrap my legs around his waist, beckoning him farther inside.
He takes his time, sinking in and out of me with the ease of a boat bobbing on a calm sea. That’s what I am right now. I am a calm sea because the storm hasn’t arrived yet. I know everything will be different when Chris leaves, but right now I want to enjoy this small sliver of peace.
He kisses the tears as they slide down my temples. I tighten my arms around his shoulders and crush my lips against his as he comes inside me.
He’s kissing me and I can feel his new lip piercing rubbing against my upper lip.
I push him hard in the chest and he falls back into his seat. “What are you doing?” I shriek.
Chris looks confused and I feel horrible. “Claire, I miss us. I still think about you every day.”
“Don’t do this.”
“And you know what I think about? I think about how I can have any girl I want, except for you. How fucked up is that? Why are you doing this to me?”
“Everything’s always about you. You left to pursue your dreams and, yes, I encouraged you to do it—heck, I wanted you to do it and I’m proud of you—but you never stopped to consider what you were leaving behind. You never thought of what it would do to me to lose my best friend and the one person who made me feel safe. You didn’t take me into your home five years ago, Chris; you were my home. When I lost you, I lost everything.”
He looks at me and I can feel the regret pulsing in waves off both of us, like two magnets repelling each other. “I’m going to get you back if it kills me.”
I shift uncomfortably in my seat because I know this isn’t an empty promise. Chris gets what he wants. Always.
“Can you ask the driver to take me to 500 Fayetteville.”
The car pulls up in front of the hotel entrance a few minutes later and the months of regret and agony we’ve both suffered is heavy between us. I wish I could reach across and tell him we’re going to be together forever, like I once believed, but so much has changed.
With every choice you risk the life you would have had. With every decision you lose it.
I think of this quote every time I get the urge to tell anyone my secret. It’s what I thought of when I decided not to tell Chris about the baby. Now it’s time to decide again.
“It’s over, Chris. And I’m sorry. I’ve never been more sorry in my life than I am for what I did to you. I will never stop being sorry. I will never lose this regret, but I do think I made the right decision. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how much it kills me to even admit that. I did what was right for both of us because now you have your dream career and I have someone who I love more than I thought I could ever love someone after you left. And, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to him.” I kiss him on the cheek and he leans into me wanting more. “I will love you forever and ever, but I can’t be with you. Goodbye, Chris.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Relentless Heartache
THE TRIP IN THE ELEVATOR up to the sixth floor is excruciatingly slow and fast. I hope Adam is here. When I check my phone, I have eight texts and two voicemails from Senia, but nothing from Adam. I text Senia to let her know I’m okay and I’ll call her later. I don’t have the energy or the time to talk to her about this right now. I need to find Adam.
I knock on the door for room 608. Adam has the room key. He offered me the second cardkey, but I left it on the nightstand in the room thinking I wouldn’t need it. If he doesn’t answer, I’ll just sit here and meditate for a while then call Senia to pick me up.
The door opens and Adam doesn’t look at me as he steps back for me to come inside. He doesn’t leave me much room and my chest brushes against his arm as I slither past him. He closes the door and I take a few steps before I turn around. When he finally looks me in the eye, he doesn’t speak. He’s waiting for my explanation, which, by the looks of it, probably won’t satisfy him.
“There are so many things I’ve done in my life that I regret, but right now there are two things that top that list. Number two is not telling you sooner. Number one is telling the hospital staff that I didn’t want to know the sex of the baby.”
I sink down onto the edge of the bed and force myself to remember that day. “Every time I get a fluttering in my stomach, I think of all the times my baby moved inside me. Every time I see a baby in public, I wonder.” The mattress creaks as he sits next to me and the uneven distribution of our weight pulls me closer to him. “I don’t know if you can understand what it’s like to dream about a child with no face. To feel like a part of your heart will always exist just out of your reach.”
He wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls my face into his chest. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
I wrap my arms tightly around his waist and as I think of all the nights I’ve lied awake agonizing over whether I should tell him my secret. He kisses my forehead as he takes my face in his hands and tilts my chin up.
“I love you so fucking much, it hurts to know that you’ve been carrying this inside of you.” He pauses for a moment as he looks into my eyes and I can feel something bad is coming next. “It kills me to know that you didn’t trust me enough to share it with me. And it scares me that you didn’t share something so important with someone who was supposed to be your first love.” He leans his forehead against mine and sucks in a sharp breath. “I love you, but I need some time to figure this out.”
I pull my head back and nod because I couldn’t speak if I tried.
“This doesn’t mean I want to break up.”
“I know,” I whisper as I stand up and reach into my back pocket for my phone.
“Where are you going?”
“I have to call Senia to pick me up.”
“You don’t have to leave.”
“I know, but you need some time to think and you’ll probably want to do that without me here.”
Just saying these words aloud makes my chest ache.
He stands and takes the phone from my hand. “Don’t go. We need to talk. I don’t want you to go.”
I draw in a long stuttered breath as he takes my hand in his and leads me to the bed. He lays my phone on the nightstand and we lie next to each other, just staring at the ceiling for a few minutes. I think of all the times I could have told him; all the times I should have told him. Then I think of whether I should tell him that Chris kissed me. Did I kiss him back? I can’t remember.
It feels like an eternity goes by before I finally speak. “One of the foster homes I stayed in for a few months had a pregnant German Shepherd. Her name was April. April gave birth to three gorgeous puppies while I was there and I remember the look on April’s face when my foster mother took the puppies away to clean them up. It was a mixture of confusion and gratitude.” I pause for a moment as I remember the day I gave birth. Senia covered my face with a sheet so I couldn’t see the baby as they pulled it out of me, cleaned it up, and wheeled it away. “I think I could be a good mother, but part of me thinks that might not be possible because a small part of me was grateful when they took my baby away from me. I just kept thinking how grateful I was that my baby would never have to go through what I went through with my mother.”
Adam slips his hand under my neck and beckons me into his nook. I rest my head on his shoulder and breathe the smell of him mixed with the scent of rain.
“I think you’ll make a great mother someday.” He brushes my hair out of my face and strokes my cheek as he continues. “I saw you with those kids at Shell Island last Saturday. They loved you. Especially Ethan. I was getting a little jealous of you and Ethan.”
“Shut up.”
“Claire, I meant it when I said you have a bigger heart than anyone I’ve ever met. It may have been your wicked dance moves that attracted me to you initially, but it was the way you care for Cora that hooked me. I found myself thinking of good deeds I could do to impress you.” I chuckle and he continues. “I know. It’s pretty pathetic, but that’s when I realized you were making me into the person I want to be; someone better than who I was before I moved to Wrightsville.”
“It’s not pathetic, but it’s exactly the opposite of how I felt about you.”
“So you’re saying I made you into a worse person than you were before I moved in?”
“Yes, and no.” He pokes my side and I push his hand away as I compose myself. “You pushed me to do things that made me uncomfortable. I was sleeping, literally. I was meditating sometimes ten times a day just to push the memories out of my mind. You were right when you said I was self-medicating. I haven’t meditated once today, and today might be the second most stressful day of my life. You’ve helped me in ways that you can’t even imagine.”
“I haven’t smoked in over a week.”
“You haven’t? Why?”
“I told you I wouldn’t smoke around you and you spent the night in my apartment four times this week. Plus, I just haven’t really been craving it as much.” He slips his arm and shoulder out from under my head and flips onto his side so he’s facing me and I do the same. “I need to ask you a question.”
He pauses as if he’s asking for permission to proceed. I milk the moment as I let my gaze wander over his face, committing his features to memory.
“I think we’ve reached the point where there’s nothing I can’t share with you.”