"I can't cure him," Tom says so softly I have to strain to hear. "A medical student is a man of science. He is supposed to have the answers. I cannot even help my own father conquer his demons."
I lean my head against the wood of the doorframe, something solid to catch me should I slide right off this earth and keep falling. "You'll find a way, in time." I mean to be reassuring. I am not.
"No. Science is broken for me. It's broken." His head slumps forward into his hands. There's a strangled sound. He's trying not to cry, but he's helpless against it. I want to run across the rug and hold him tightly, risk his disdain to do it.
Instead, I turn the knob quietly and leave, letting him save face and hating myself for it.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
THE SOUND OF DISTANT CHURCH BELLS WAKES ME. It is Christmas morning. The house is quiet as a morgue. Father and Tom are still asleep after our long night, and Grandmama has chosen to stay in bed as well. Only the servants and I are awake.
I dress quickly and quietly and make my way to the carriage house. Sleep still hangs about Kartik in a sweet, charming way.
"I've come to apologize for last night. And to thank you for helping him,'' I say.
"Everyone needs help sometimes," he says.
"Except for you."
He doesn't answer. Instead, he hands me something illwrapped in a scrap of cloth. "Merry Christmas, Miss Doyle."
I am astonished."What is this?"
"Open it."
Inside the cloth is a small blade the size of a man's thumb. Atop the blade is a small, crude totem of a many-armed man with a buffalo head.
"Megh Sambara," Kartik explains. "The Hindus believe that he offers protection against enemies."
"I thought you had no loyalty to any customs other than the Rakshana's."
Embarrassed, Kartik sticks his hands in his pockets, rocks on the heels of his boots."It was Amar's."
"You shouldn't part with it, then," I say, trying to give it back.
Kartik jumps to avoid the blade. "Careful. It is small but sharp. And you may have need of it."
I hate to be reminded of my purpose here and now. "I shall keep it with me. Thank you."