“Kisa…,” I whispered, unsure what to say in response. Her words, what she was saying, they meant everything to me. Kisa placed my finger over my lips, and shaking her head, cut me off.
“I love you, Luka,” she assured firmly, “and I accept the man you are now, wholeheartedly. I accept that you are the two loves of my life—you are both Luka and Raze. You’re the passionate and considerate boy from my youth, the one who would kiss me on the beach and I’d read to each night. But you are also the strong and tortured man from my present. My fierce protector. The man who saved me from a life of grief, the man who holds me in his arms all night. That man needs me just as much as he needs the air to breathe.” I swallowed, trying to absorb every word spilling from her mouth. I tried to wrap my head around that she was finally understanding me. Expressing the way I felt inside. And accepting the man I had become—the man that was both Luka and Raze.
My eyes blurred with tears, and holding my hand she pressed her forehead to mine. “Both Luka and Raze make you the man you are now. One doesn’t exist without the other. Both of their life’s blood runs through your veins, mixing together to be this you. This man right now, holding my hand so tightly, and I will love them both until my dying day, and beyond if God allows it to be the case.”
Kisa glanced away and I watched her swallow her fear, her emotions, Kisa took a long breath, and smiling, turned back to me and said, “So be the man you are now, lyubov moya. Be both my Luka and my Raze. Don’t fight it anymore. Embrace them as sweetly as you do me.” Tears ran down our faces as she whispered, “Be at peace. Finally.”
I lurched forward and wrapped my wife in my arms. I was shaking with the relief of Kisa’s acceptance. Hot tears fell from my eyes as I buried my face in her neck. She just held me close, never letting me go.
Minutes later, I pulled back. Something felt like it had changed between us. A peace had settled in my body. I looked at my wife, my beautiful, perfect wife, and I exhaled.
I lifted my hand and pressed it against her cheek, my stomach rolling at what I was about to confess. “Solnyshko,” I whispered almost apologetically, “tonight, I will kill again.”
Kisa closed her eyes and breathed sharply through her nose. “I know.” Kisa opened her eyes and tried to smile, saying, “because that’s part of who you are, inside. A part of you needs to kill those you feel do wrong against those you love. Raze needs to kill to protect his family. And Zaal, he’s your family.”
My eyebrows pulled down as I wondered if all this was a dream. But by the understanding look on Kisa’s face, I knew it was real. She got me. She’d understood my biggest fear, and in only the way Kisa could, she made it better.
I could breathe.
Kisa’s expression changed and a blush coated her cheeks. Suddenly, she gripped my hand. “Luka,” she said as I brought her hand to my mouth.
“Yes?” I replied.
She turned around and reached into her purse. She then pulled something out, and clutched it in her palm.
With the picture hidden in her grip, she looked to me nervously. Squeezing my hand, she said, “I have something to tell you.”
I nodded, my stomach tensing at whatever she had to say. Taking a deep breath, she held out her hand, and a picture was placed in her palm. Pushing it into my hand, I looked down at the small paper square and turned it over.
At first I wasn’t sure what I was looking at, then I focused on the grainy black-and-white picture and all the air in my body left my lungs. I froze, unable to move as my hands began to shake.
My eyes snapped up and met with my wife’s. “Kisa…,” I whispered. A tear ran over my cheek. “Are you … Is this…?”
My eyes fell to Kisa’s stomach, and suddenly all the sickness, the paleness and tiredness she’d experienced of late, made sense. Taking my hand, Kisa laid it flat over her stomach. I watched her face as she smiled and nodded.
Tears streamed down her cheeks. “Yes, lyubov moya,” she whispered, “we’re having a baby.”
Overcome with emotion and pure fucking happiness, I dived forward, lowering myself to the floor, between Kisa’s legs. My hands splayed on Kisa’s thighs, then drifted up to land on her waist. I lifted her shirt and pressed my lips to her soft skin. Kisa’s hands threaded through my hair, and I closed my eyes and just breathed. It was what we’d always wanted. A baby. A little person made by the both of us.
A family. The start of our own little family.