A low whistle came out of me. That bad? I wanted to ask, and quickly realized it was a good thing I had a one-second filter, because that would have been a shitty thing to ask. “Thirteen when he left?” I asked. “That means your parents tried really hard.”
That was the right thing to say, because he relaxed and turned on his side again. “They did. Rick was just too hard. It’s…well, I don’t want to go into detail right now. It was just hard. I hated my mom and dad for a long, long time. And Mom fell apart and went to a psych ward for a few weeks.”
“Ouch.” Mama was right. We all had our shit in life. Even preppy Boston boys.
“When she came home, she wasn’t the same. She was broken somehow. All her attention that had been on Rick for all those years came barreling at me. I had to be perfect, suddenly. The best student, the best athlete, the best musician – a perfect, shining example that she could have one kid who wasn’t…you know…”
I hugged him and he let me. “Is that why you took all that peyote? To stop having to be perfect?”
“No,” he laughed. “I took all that peyote because I am a dumbass.”
We both giggled, the sound seeming to travel across the vast field, up to the blue sky, the birds hearing our amused music. There was great comfort in our sharing and baring of naked souls. Maybe we’re all damaged. The question is: to what degree?
“You still see him?” I asked. The air was getting a chill to it so I sat up and he pulled me into his arms, my back leaning against his chest.
“Every week, like clockwork. He’s more stable now and in a group home with five other guys. Has a job and everything. He just – when he became violent and big, Mom and Dad couldn’t handle his aggression.” I could feel him shake his head. “At least, that’s how they described it. Mom tried all kinds of doctors and drugs and treatments. We owned this weird oxygen chamber for a while, and then he used to get all these IV drugs, and Mom took the whole family for genetics testing. No one had any answers.”
“Sometimes no one does,” I said simply. A bulge against my butt (and no, it wasn’t Trevor) started to hurt, so I sat up and pulled it out.
My phone. 3:21.
“Shit! Shit, shit, shit!” I shouted, throwing my shirt on, trying to connect my bra underneath, being stupid and peeling everything off and then pulling it all back on again in the right order. “I’m gonna be late for work.” The words came out sharper than I wanted them to and Trevor startled but got the message quickly, jumping up, pulling on his clothes. Those beautiful, tan curves a – shame to see covered in anything so mundane, so boring as clothing.
We looked like two people that had just had sex outside. I felt the back of my head…bedhead, except instead of rubbing my hair against the sheets my head had been rubbed against a big, giant pile of moss. I could feel it matted into my frizz and started batting at it like a small animal caught in a trap.
“What are you doing?” Trevor said, laughing.
“I’ve got moss and dirt in my hair and I can’t go to work like this.” Again, I thought. I’d never had a man out here before. This really was a sacred space for me but I’d certainly had a…well, my share of outdoor fun with a man. Not this much fun, mind you.
We trudged back through the field to get to my car where I knew no one else would be. I wanted to say something – thank you? I’m sorry? What do you say when someone confesses their secrets to you? Maybe I should say nothing, or wrap my arms around him and caress his hair, kiss his shoulder, like he did last night when I blurted out my business like a teenager on truth serum. It was one thing to tell him my secrets, but to have him turn out to have a pretty big family issue of his own had me reeling.
I didn’t have any siblings – Josie was seven years older and the closest thing I had to a sister – so I couldn’t imagine what Trevor’s life had been like, having a brother with autism and having that brother up and disappear when he was little. Disappearing loved ones I understood, sadly, though. Going on and seeing his brother every week, striving to have a relationship, using music as a bridge showed a kind of caring empathy that made me want to just be with Trevor.
Forever.
“Trevor?”
“Yes?”
“Why not include Rick in the band?”
He frowned, the look trying to cover up disappointment. I could tell. “He can’t. I mean…”
I waved my hand away; I’d clearly crossed a line, and now I felt like I’d intruded on some soft underbelly of his. “It’s a stupid thought. I’m sorry. I was just thinking that maybe if you had a song with a keyboard part you could teach it to him on piano and wire him in to a performance, or use him in a recording, or…” As the words poured out of my mouth like a faucet whose handle rusted off so bad it just went clunk and fell off, spraying an unregulated water source, I wanted to die right there.
Trevor cleared his throat, then cocked his head, mulling it over. “I’ll think about it. Thanks.” The closed-off answer was about the best I could ask for. On shaky ground again, I felt like I could breathe. But why? Touchy subject, it appeared.
A handful of people probably used this little nature trail and none of them would be out here at the beginning of May. Trevor stopped me as I marched over to the driver’s side door, intent on getting home and a quick shower to be on time for work. If I was late again…well, there wasn’t really any big penalty. It’s not like they were going to go fire me and find someone else to work. I’d been there for what – six years? But I still didn’t feel right going in late, even if it was a loss of five hours with Trevor.