I put a hand in front of my mouth and talk around my food. “Color’s not a bad thing.”
She heaves in a sigh. “I expected some washed-up, downtrodden girl who regrets her life. I’m glad that’s not what I found.” She closes her eyes and waits a beat, and then they fly back open. “So glad that’s not what I found.”
“Sometimes, that’s still me.” I look over at Jacob, and he grins in our direction.
“Sometimes, it’s all of us.” She covers my hand with hers. “Can I tell you something no one else knows? Well, except for my husband.”
“Please do.”
“When I was twenty, I got pregnant.”
All the air in my body whooshes out of me, and I choke on my hot dog. I cough into my fist, trying to clear my airway.
Before I can speak, she holds up her hand to stop me. “I had to make a very difficult decision. And I had an abortion. I wasn’t in love with the father, and I didn’t think I could do it on my own.”
“Wow.” I don’t know what else to say.
“What you did took so much strength.” Her eyes fill up with tears, but she blinks them back, waving a hand in her face.
“So did what you did.” I mean that with all my heart.
“We do what we have to do to survive.”
I set my hot dog to the side because I couldn’t swallow it even if I wanted to.
“I thought for a long time that not being able to get pregnant was my punishment for having the abortion.”
I can understand how she might feel that way. But it wasn’t the case. The universe doesn’t work that way.
“Jacob is the best thing that ever could have happened to us. We love him so much.”
I still can’t get over how beautiful he is. He’s standing looking up at Paul with his hands on his hips, and Paul is glaring playfully down at him. I can’t help but grin, too.
“Don’t be too mad at him, okay?” she says. “He loves you so much.”
I nod. I know he does. And I haven’t had enough time to process what he did today.
“I’m sorry we ambushed you.” She looks sincere. But I can tell she’s happy about the way it turned out. I kind of am, too.
“Did he call you?” I ask.
She nods. “Last night, actually.”
After I showed him my box of secrets, he used the information and found her. My gut clenches because I can’t help but feel betrayed.“Can we see you again another day?”
I nod. Now that I’ve been this close to Jacob, I don’t think I could stay away. It was almost easier not knowing where he was or what he was doing or what he looked like or what he smelled like or the way he smiled.
“He looks like you,” she says.
“He looks like his dad, too.”
“Do you have any pictures of him? I’d love for Jacob to see them when he’s ready.”
I look at her. “He knows that someone else gave birth to him?”
She lays a hand on her chest. “He knows he grew in my heart while he grew in someone else’s belly.”
I like that. I like it a lot.
“I want you to have whatever place you want to have in his life. You can just be the really sweet lady we met in the park one day, or you can be the woman who gave birth to him. It’s completely up to you.”
I nod. I am suddenly choked with emotion. A hot tear rolls down my face, and I brush it back. “I’m pregnant,” I say.
Her eyebrows arch. “Congratulations?” she asks. She looks from Paul to me and back.
“It’s not his. I volunteered to be a surrogate for some friends of mine.”
Her gaze gets soft.
“So, it might be best to wait and decide what to tell him later. I don’t want him to think I just give up all my babies.” I lay a hand on my stomach.
“When will you be done torturing yourself?” she asks. She lays her chin on her upturned palm and gazes at me. “We do the best we can with what we have.”
I nod and get to my feet. I walk around the table, and she stands up in front of me. I open my arms, and she hugs me tightly, and then whispers in my ear. “Thank you.”
I don’t know if she’s thanking me for coming today, or if she’s thanking me for giving her my son, or if she’s thanking me for something else I don’t understand. “You’re welcome,” I grunt out.
“Jacob!” she calls over my shoulder. “It’s time to go.”
Jacob runs over, and he stops at my feet. He looks up at me and smiles. He holds up a purple piece of chalk. “Do you want to keep the purple?” he asks. “It’s my favorite color.”
I take it from him and squat down. “Thank you so much,” I say. I desperately want to hug him. But I am afraid to.
Suddenly, Jacob launches himself at me and wraps his arms around my neck. I fall back gently onto my butt, and we roll to the ground. I can’t keep from laughing as he hugs me. I wrap my arms around him and bend my head so I can smell his hair. He has that little-boy smell that reminds me of the outdoors and purple shampoo.
Finally, he squeaks and starts to squirm, and I realize I’ve held him too long so I let him go. It wasn’t nearly long enough, though. Not even close. He steps back and wraps his arms around Jill’s legs. “Can Friday come over and play with me one day?” he asks.
Jill nods.
“Call me,” I say.