‘You want me for one night and nothing else?’ I ask, the ache transforming into a dull pain now. Just one night? It’s obscene for me to be thinking further than that, though. The best f**k of my life. That’s what he said. Nothing more.
‘One night,’ he affirms. ‘And I’m praying that you’ll give it to me.’
I’m lost in his blues, desperately hoping he’ll say something else – something that’ll make me feel better, because right now I’m feeling cheated, which is ridiculous. I hardly know him, but the thought of only being permitted one night with this man is soul-destroying.
‘I don’t think I can.’ My eyes fall, as does my heart. ‘It’s not fair for you to ask that of me.’
‘I’ve never claimed to be fair, Livy.’ He clasps my chin and brings my face up to his. ‘I’ve seen something and I want it. I usually take what I want, but I’m giving you a choice.’
‘What’s in it for me?’ I ask. ‘What will I get out of this?’
‘You get to be worshipped by me for twenty-four hours.’ His lips part and his tongue sweeps across his full bottom lip, like he’s attempting to make me see what those twenty-four hours may be like. He’s wasting energy. I have a very good idea what those twenty-four hours will be like.
‘You said you could only offer me one night.’
‘Twenty-four hours, Livy.’
I want to say yes, but my head starts shaking, my integrity taking over. If I’m going to get involved with a man, it can’t be like this. Every method I’ve adopted to protect myself from following in my mother’s footsteps will be quashed if I do this, and I can’t let myself down like that. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t.’ I shouldn’t be apologising for my decline of his unreasonable request, but I am sorry. I want to be worshipped by him, yet not enough to set myself up for certain devastation because that’s exactly what this will result in. I already feel like I’m in way above my head and he hasn’t even kissed me.
He visibly sags and shifts back, breaking all contact between us. I feel a little lost, which should strengthen my decision to decline his offer. One night will never be enough. ‘I’m disappointed,’ he sighs. ‘But I respect your decision.’
I’m disappointed that he respects my decision. I want him to fight harder, convince me to say yes. I’m not thinking straight. ‘I know nothing about you.’
He picks up his drink and takes a sip, drawing my eyes to his lips. ‘If you knew more, would you reconsider?’
‘I don’t know.’ I feel frustrated and annoyed – annoyed that he’s put me in this position. It should be an easy decision, declining a stranger on such a proposition, but the longer I spend with him, even if it’s bizarre and far-fetched, the more I want to retract my answer and take the twenty-four hours he’s offering.
‘Well, you know my name now.’ His lips are tipping a little, but it’s nowhere near a smile.
‘That’s all I know,’ I fire back. ‘I don’t know your surname, your age, your job.’
‘And you need to know all of that to spend the night with me?’ His dark eyebrows raise, his lips tipping further. If he would only smile properly, I’d feel like I know him more. But should I be increasing my fascination with him if it means I’ll only get more attached?
I don’t know, so I shrug non-committally and drop my head, my hair falling into my lap.
‘My name is Miller Hart,’ he starts, pulling my eyes back to his. ‘I’m twenty-nine—’
‘Stop!’ I hold my hand up, halting his flow. ‘Don’t tell me. I don’t need to know.’
He cocks his head, slightly amused, even if he’s still not demonstrating it with his mouth. ‘Don’t need to or don’t want to?’
‘Both,’ I spit shortly, feeling the rarity of anger simmering inside me again. He made me feel irritated before he suggested something so ridiculous, but now I’m really feeling it. I stand, prompting him to shift back on the table and gaze up at me. ‘Thank you for the offer, but the answer is no.’ I pick up my bag and phone and make for the door, getting no further than the end of the couch before I’m taken gently and pushed front forward to the wall, my bag dropping to the marble, my eyes clenching shut.
His chin is on my shoulder, his mouth at my ear. ‘You don’t sound convinced,’ he whispers, raising his knee between my thighs to spread them.
‘I’m not,’ I confess, cursing myself for my weakness. His body moulded to my back feels too right, when I desperately want it to feel all wrong. Everything suggests that this is wrong, but the crazy rightness is making it hard to ignore the warning signs.
‘And that’s exactly why I’m not letting you leave until you agree. You want me.’ He turns me around and pushes his palms into the wall on either side of my head. ‘And I want you.’
‘But just for twenty-four hours.’ My voice is a panting wheeze as I fight to rein in my erratic breathing.
He nods and lazily lowers his mouth to mine. He’s unsure, hesitant; I can see it in his eyes. But then he braves nibbling at my bottom lip, pecking cautiously and whispering what seems like encouraging words to himself before pushing into my mouth with his tongue until I relax and accept his soft invasion. Nothing would prevent me from moaning, relaxing into his kiss and clasping his shoulders. It’s heavenly, just like I knew it would be, but this isn’t assisting with my sensibility. Nevertheless, I push my doubts to the back of my mind and lose myself in him. He’s worshipping me, and the thought of twenty-four hours of this nearly makes me break our kiss, just so I can scream ‘yes!’ But I don’t. Despite my enjoyment and mounting desire, I concentrate on enjoying the only kiss I’m ever going to receive from Miller Hart. And it’s one I’ll remember for the rest of my life.
He groans, pushing his groin into my tummy. His hardness throbs against me. ‘Jesus, you taste divine. Say yes,’ he mumbles into my mouth, biting at my lip. ‘Please say yes.’
I want to hold back my answer, just to drag out this exquisite kiss, but I’m rapidly falling deeper with each second he spends seducing my mouth. ‘I can’t,’ I gasp, turning my face to the side to break our mouth contact. ‘I’d want more.’ I know I’ll want more, as crazy as it might seem. I’ve never looked for that connection, but if I had, then this would be it – something painfully good, all-consuming . . . something special and out of my control – something that will put my previous conclusions about intimacy to shame. I’ve stumbled across it by accident, when I least expected it, but it’s happened and I can’t fall further knowing there is no hope and nothing but heartbreak waiting for me at the end of that twenty-four hours.
He releases a frustrated growl and pushes himself away from the wall. ‘Shit,’ he curses, striding away, looking up at the ceiling. ‘I shouldn’t have brought you here.’
I gather my muddled mind and straighten myself out, all the time leaning against the wall to hold myself steady. ‘No, you shouldn’t have,’ I agree, proud for sounding certain of that. ‘I should go.’ I gather my bag from the floor and head quickly to the door, not looking back.
When I’m in the safety of the stairwell, I collapse against the wall, my breathing laboured, my body shaking. I’m being sensible. I need to keep reminding myself of that. Nothing good could come of this, except memories of an incredible day and night that I’ll never get to relive. It would be torture, and I refuse to tease myself, give myself a taste of something amazing – because I know it will be – just to have it robbed from me. Never. I refuse to become my mother. Resolute and satisfied with my decision, I take the stairs and find my way to a Tube station. For the first time in many years, I need an alcoholic drink.
Chapter 5
I’ve not been myself all week. It’s been noticed and mentioned, but my despondent state has halted further interrogation, except from Gregory, who I’m sure is reporting back to Nan, because she went from curious and pushy to concerned and sympathetic. She’s also made me lemon cake every single day.
I’m clearing the last table, absent-mindedly swishing my cloth from side to side when the door to the bistro swings open and I’m confronted with Mr Wide Eyes.
He smiles awkwardly, shutting the door quietly behind him. ‘Am I too late for a takeaway?’ he asks.
‘Not at all.’ I grab my tray and dump it on the counter before loading up the filter. ‘Cappuccino?’
‘Please,’ he says politely, his footsteps getting closer.
I busy myself, ignoring Sylvie when she passes with the bins and pauses, clearly after clocking my customer. ‘Cute,’ she says simply, before continuing on her way. She’s right; he is cute, but it’s too much like hard work trying to fight another man from my mind to appreciate it. Mr Wide Eyes is the type of man I should pay more attention to – if I’m going to give my attention to any men – not moody, dark, enigmatic ones, who only want twenty-four hours and nothing else.
Firing up the steam pipe, I start heating the milk, swirling the jug and making a rushing hissing of noise in time with my racing mind. I pour, sprinkle, and secure the lid, then turn to deliver my perfect coffee. ‘Two-eighty, please.’ I hold my hand out.
Three pound coins are placed carefully in my palm as I stab the order through the till with my free hand. ‘I’m Luke,’ he says slowly. ‘Can I ask your name?’
‘Livy,’ I flip, tossing the coins into the drawer carelessly.
‘And you’re involved with someone?’ he asks cautiously, drawing a frown from me.
‘I’ve already told you that.’ For the first time, I allow his charming looks to push past my mental protective wall and the images of Miller. His mousy hair is floppy, but lies just right, and his brown eyes are warm and friendly. ‘So why are you aski—’ I halt mid-sentence and cast my eyes over to Sylvie, who’s just pushed her way back through the bistro door, minus two rubbish bags. I hit her with a reproachful look, knowing damn well she’s told Mr Wide Eyes here that I’m perfectly available.
She doesn’t hang around to soak up my animosity, instead skulking off to the kitchen where she’s safe. Mr Wide Eyes, or Luke as I now know him, is shifting nervously, blatantly ignoring my guilty friend as she disappears from sight.
‘My friend has a big mouth.’ I hand him his change. ‘Enjoy your coffee.’
‘Why did you fob me off?’
‘Because I’m not available.’ I repeat myself because it’s still true, even if it’s for a totally different reason now. I might have refused Miller’s offer, but it hasn’t made forgetting him any easier. My fingers reach up and rest on my lips, feeling his soft, full ones still there, lingering, tickling, biting. I sigh. ‘It’s closing time.’
Luke slides a card across the counter, and taps it lightly before releasing it. ‘I’d love to take you out sometime, so if you decide you’re available it would be great to hear from you.’ I look up and he winks, a cheeky smile spreading across his face.
I return his small smile and watch him leave the bistro, whistling happily as he goes.
‘Is it safe?’ Sylvie’s apprehensive voice drifts in from the kitchen, and I turn to see her black-haired head popping up over the swing door.
‘You told him, you traitor!’ I start yanking at my apron string.
‘It might have slipped.’ She still doesn’t venture into the bistro, choosing to remain protected behind the swing door. ‘Come on, Livy. Cut him a break.’ Her attention is firmly set on Luke now, after I followed through on her request to call before midnight the night Miller snatched me from the roadside. I didn’t tell her the details, but my despondent state down the line told her all she needed to know – no enlightenment of shocking propositions required.