I waited, my fists clenching, in an attempt to hold every single piece of me together.
“A person who is all about control no matter the consequences would not be asking me that question,” he said, his eyebrows scrunching together. “He’d be trying to manipulate the situation for his gain. Do you understand?”
He was describing my father, so I understood completely. “Yes.”
“You, on the other hand,” he said, cupping his chin. “I am going to assume you’ve had these fantasies in the bedroom for a long time—plenty of men do, in fact. And lots of women imagine what it would be like to be dominated as well.”
My eyebrows rose at that revelation.
“As long as there are two consenting adults and a mutual agreement has been established regarding limits and safety,” he paused, and I thought about how Jessie and I agreed that she’d tell me if it was too much, if she needed to stop. “What they choose to partake in—inside and outside of the bedroom is their business.”
I inhaled a sharp breath, as disbelief coursed through my veins. I could feel my pulse pounding in my ears.
“Now your fantasy is extra tricky because of your upbringing.” Dr. Drake stood and began pacing the room. “You’re trying so hard not to identify with your father, that the very thought of doing something even remotely like him terrifies you. Makes you wonder if you’re on the path to becoming like him.”
I nodded vigorously. He got it. My most terrifying fear.
“But, I’ve already learned a couple of things about you, Nate. And one of them is that you are not at all like your father and never will be.” He stopped and turned to me. “If you were, you would have a much different personality, a much different set of examples to give me of manhandling women in all facets of your life.”
Something in my chest broke loose, and I was able to breathe more freely.
“I’m going to guess that the fantasies you’ve had in the bedroom haven’t been well received by someone,” he said. “And because of that you tamped down your urges and they manifested in other ways.”
Damn this guy was in my head. I nodded as I crossed my ankle over my knee, my foot jiggling a million miles an hour.
“Has there been anyone you’ve been able to be . . . freer with?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“I restrained myself,” I said, fiddling with my shoelace. “I was afraid what she’d think of me, what she’d do . . . after.”
His lips tipped up slightly at the corners. “Did she seem to be enjoying herself?”
“Yeah . . . even encouraged me, during.”
He nodded. “And then you felt terrible afterward?”
I hung my head. “Yeah.”
He waited until my eyes met his. “Are you seeing this girl, regularly, in a relationship?”
“I don’t exactly do relationships,” I said. “Or at least I never used to.”
He cocked his head. “But you maybe want to—with her?”
I shrugged. “I’ve never felt this way about anybody before.”
“Go on,” he said. “Tell me how that feels.”
“Like I want to see her all the time, if only to have her smile at me,” I said, my heart in my throat just thinking about her. “But then I burn so hot for her. I want to be alone with her, to . . . you know.”
“Is there a give-and-take in the bedroom?” he asked, picking his paperweight off his desk and moving it from hand to hand. “Or is it all about getting what you want?”
“Thing is, I had never gotten what I wanted. I used to just get off any way I could,” I said, feeling completely free to be honest now. “But with her, I want to do anything to please her, because she gives it back to me.”
A huge, genuine smile broke across Dr. Drake’s face. “That, my friend, is the making of a real relationship. If only you could get there.”
I felt light as a feather, like I’d float right out the window directly in front of me. He was handing me the goddamn key and this time, I was gonna fucking reach for it.
“Next appointment you’re going to tell me exactly how you’ve done that,” he said, folding his arms across his broad chest.
“Done what?”
“Finally let her in.”
Chapter Thirty-six
Jessie
I was standing beside our photography booth at the art festival. All of the students’ projects had already been hung. Mine was in the center intermixed with some really awesome ones from other classmates. I had gotten an A and my professor was very taken with my assignment. He told me I had a great eye and a promising future ahead of me.
Emmy, Lila, and Bennett had Raw Ink set up down aisle one. My mom’s wellness center also had a tent exhibition here and she had walked over to view my work.
Her eyes misted over when she saw my presentation, either because it reminded her of Dad or because I did a darn good job, but all I knew was that the next moment she had pulled me into a hug.
“You like it?” I said, my throat tight.
“Honey, it’s incredible,” she said. “He would have been so proud.”
“Thank you,” I whispered and embraced her tighter.
When she drew back she looked me in the eye. “Does Nate know he’s in your shots?”
“Yeah,” I said, biting my lip and looking down at my Chucks.
“You’ve fallen for him.”