“Being sorry doesn’t help, neither does how I feel about you.” Kade shook his head. “I can’t keep doing this, Brodie. I can’t fight your fear anymore, you’ve got to do that yourself. I told you I’ll be here for you but you don’t want to believe it and I can’t force you to.”
Kade shoved a hand into his hair. “For you to think that, verbalize it, means you either believe it or you want to believe it. It doesn’t matter which. Either way it tells me you are intolerant of intimacy and you deliberately cut yourself off. And this—” Kade showed her the screen “—this is you running. I’m not going to be the sap who runs after you, begging you to give me another chance. I did that with my father, I will not do it again. I’ve given you enough chances. I’m worth more than that and, frankly, so are you.”
Brodie felt the kick in her stomach, in her heart, in her head. “Okay.”
“Okay? That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”
She wouldn’t throw herself at his knees and beg him not to leave her. It was better this way; it had to be. “What do you want to do about the baby?”
“The baby? God!” Kade looked like he wanted to put his fist through a wall. “Right now I’m so damn mad at you I can’t think! Do you not understand you are throwing away something pretty amazing to hide behind those walls you’ve built up? I’m scared, too, Brodie. Raising kids, being together, is meant to be scary!”
“There are no guarantees, Kade.”
“Of course there aren’t! You just take what happiness you can and run with it. You just feel damn grateful for it.” Kade rubbed his hands over his face. “I’m talking to a freaking brick wall. Have fun hiding out, Brodie. As I said, I’m done.”
Brodie nodded once and bit her bottom lip, everything in her trying to keep the tears at bay. “Okay.”
“Okay? That’s all you have? For God’s sake...” Kade slapped his hand against the door frame as he whipped around. “Talking to a friggin’ wall.”
Brodie waited until she heard the door to the outer office slam closed before she finally allowed herself to cry. Hunched over and hurting, she watched from a place far away as tears ran off her face and dropped to the carpet below.
Yeah, the pain was here, accompanied by desolation and despair. It was okay, she’d been here before and she’d handled it.
She could do it again.
But right now she just wanted to cry, for herself, for her child, for the butterflies in her stomach that were dying a slow and excruciating death.
* * *
Kade was convinced he held the record for the fastest heartbreak in the history of the world. Within the space of the afternoon he’d realized he loved Brodie and that nothing would ever come of it. His mind wanted to stop loving her but he knew his heart always would.
Kade loosened his tight grip on the stem of his wineglass and stared at False Creek, for the first time not seeing the beauty below him. It had been twilight when he returned home from work tonight, three weeks since he’d walked out of Brodie’s office and her life. And while he could remember the exact date and time his life turned dark, he had no idea what time it was now.
Brodie had done what he’d expected, maintained radio silence. They hadn’t spoken, messaged, emailed or texted each other and he felt adrift. Before Brodie hurtled her way into his life he’d felt content with his lot, generally happy. He hadn’t wanted a relationship and had been content to have an affair here, a one-night stand there. No promises, no hassle.
Brodie had been nothing but a hassle and an all-around pain in his ass, but when she wasn’t annoying him, she brought light and laughter to his life. Kade placed his forearm over his eyes and cursed his burning eyes.
He finally loved someone with everything he had and she wanted jack from him. Life was laughing at him.
He wanted to go to Brodie, wanted to beg her to allow him to be part of her life, but he knew that was a road heading straight to a deeper level of hell. He’d be seeing her again in five months or so anyway, and maybe by then he would’ve stopped thinking about what they could’ve had.
Growing up with his father had taught Kade that chasing rainbows led to disappointment. You couldn’t force someone to love you. Love wasn’t something to be demanded; it either was or it...wasn’t.
He loved Brodie and while he suspected she could love him, she didn’t. She wouldn’t allow herself to love him and he wasn’t going to beg. He wanted everything and he wouldn’t settle for anything less. He couldn’t; the resentment would kill him and, worse, it would kill his love for her.