I swallow my words. I can’t even bring myself to say it. Just thinking about what I’ve done to my family, to my father, is enough to make me sick.
“Please, Cam,” Hannah pleads quietly. She touches my cheek with her palm. “Make it right with Hayley. She makes you…different.”
“How?”
Hannah’s mouth tilts up, giving me a half-smile as she replies, “Happy.”
She’s right. Even as a friend, Hayley made me feel happiness. It’s foreign, because I denied myself of that feeling for so long that I forgot what it felt like, what it looked like.
What scares me, though, is how I need to make things right with Hayley. There’s only one way I can fix this and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet. I would have to show Hayley the ugliest part of me. Maybe then she’ll see that I actually did her a favor, because I can’t give her what I think she wanted if there’s nothing left to give.
Chapter 9
~ Hayley ~
I sit next to Ari’s hospital bed and watch her sleep. I am way past the point of exhaustion, barely having slept at all over the last week. To say this has been a nightmarish ordeal is putting it mildly and making light of a rather traumatizing experience for both Ari and me. It has been the longest week of my life and I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve cried out of pure frustration. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless, watching them wheel your baby girl into surgery knowing that all you can do is wait. The waiting didn’t last that long but when a nurse came out about half way through Ari’s surgery I had my first breakdown as a result of sheer panic. I was sure something had gone wrong, and while I wasn’t sure if it was possible for a child to die during a procedure as common as an appendectomy, it didn’t stop my mind from going there. The nurse informed us the surgery would take a little longer because Ari’s appendix had burst but they managed to stop any infection in her stomach and that so far the surgery was going well. I felt a war of emotions coursing through my body. It was a battle between panic, because she’s so small and so young to have to go through this, and relief, because she was doing okay under the circumstances.
When they finally brought her out and settled her into a room, I cried again. Seeing her with I.V drips and giant plasters on her tiny stomach was my undoing, and then hearing her scream when they needed to clean her wound had me fighting the urge to knock more than one of the nurses out. They had to do their jobs, but last time I checked that didn’t include hurting my baby.
The door opens slowly, filling the small room with light. My grandmother walks in, smiling at me with sympathy and understanding.
“Sweetheart, have you slept all today?” she asks me, her voice gentle yet laced with concern.
I shake my head, “No.”
“Have you eaten?”
I shake my head again, “I’m not hungry.”
“You have to eat Hayley,” she admonishes. Her hands rest on her hips and I know we’re about to argue. Stubbornness runs in the family. “How are you going to take care of Arianna when it’s time to go home tomorrow if you’re exhausted and starved?”
I shrug, “I’ll be fine.”
My grandmother frowns at me. “No, I am not allowing this any longer Hayley. I understand how hard this week has been, trust me sweetheart I do, but Arianna needs her momma strong and healthy. She’s going to need you to take care of her and you can’t do that unless you’re taking care of yourself. Now, I’ve packed some clean clothes and you’re going to take a shower.”
“But - “
“But nothing,” my grandmother interrupts. “I’ll stay with Arianna while you get cleaned up and that’s the last I want to hear about it. Understood?”
Sighing, I stand up and reply, “Yes ma’am.”
My grandmother snickers behind me as I walk into the tiny en suite bathroom, mumbling “Crazy old lady,” when I think she’s out of earshot.
“I heard that!” she whisper-yells. I close the door and roll my eyes. My grandmother drives me crazy, but I love that woman more than I’d ever be able to put into words. Without her, I would not have made it through this week in one piece and not once did she tell me I was overreacting. She simply said it was ok for me to be scared and that most mothers’ ‘freaked out’ at least once with their first-born. At this rate, I have no intention of ever having another baby. Ari is enough.
I turn on the hot water and step into the bath/shower combo. The water hits my shoulders and for a few seconds I feel myself relax. I allow my mind to drift, away from the hospital, to a place where it’s quiet and peaceful. It doesn’t last long when unsolicited thoughts about Cameron and our date surface behind my closed eyelids. I’ve managed to keep my thoughts about him to an absolute minimum, putting all my focus and attention on Ari. But now and then they’d show up and I’d be in that kitchen on our first date all over again. Of course, the sting of his rejection and harsh words would follow soon after and the anger comes along with it. I chastise myself. How can I be mad when I expected him to react that way? Or maybe it was his words that left me feeling angry. I wouldn’t have wasted my time…
For some stupid reason, I have been holding out hope that he’d call, to at least find out if I’m okay, but I guess our friendship also meant nothing. Or it was just a pretense, to get into my pants. Should’ve seen that coming I think to myself. Boys like that don’t do relationships, unless they’re of the entirely sexual kind. If I had met Cameron two years ago, I would probably play that game better than he does. But I’m not that girl anymore; I haven’t been for a long time. I hate admitting that it’s possibly better off this way but in hindsight I knew it was coming, and as fake as our friendship might’ve been, I wish there was still a way to have Cameron in my life. If friendship was all that we could’ve had, I would’ve taken it, gladly. But I suspect that’s gone now too.
I wash my hair, grateful that my grandmother remembered my shampoo, and start to feel a bit more like myself. I dry off quickly and throw on some clean skinny jeans, which are looser than they were before, with a white tank top. I pile my wet hair on top of my head, securing it with a headband. I stop short when I hear murmuring and I soft giggle coming from the other side of the door.
Stepping out, I see that both Hannah and Taylor, with Macy in tow, have stopped by to see Ari. They have visited every night this week. Hannah looks over at me and gives me a sad smile. I’m somewhat thankful that she knows about Ari, even though telling her proved to be harder than I anticipated. Not that I had much choice though. After I stopped answering her calls, she started showing up at my grandmothers’ house and after three days my grandmother finally caved and told her where to find me. She was surprised, and when I told her everything, I waited for her judgment and condemnation to surface. But it never came. Instead, she showed me what it means to have at rue friend, someone who will stick with you through the good, the bad and the scandalous. She also asked about my date with Cameron and after I filled her in, it took everything in me to convince her to leave it alone, rather than strangle Cameron the way she wanted to. But I couldn’t blame her. This was something she just couldn’t understand unless she was in my shoes.