She paused, caught her breath. “I guess, in her own way, she tried her best.”
Cole couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for Savannah as a child, to grow up with a drug-addicted whore of a mother who was likely too addled to care for her daughter. He wasn’t big on emotion, but Christ, his heart hurt for her.
“So what happened to her?”
“She left when I was thirteen.”
“What do you mean…left?”
“I mean she left. Decided she didn’t want to be a mother anymore. Or maybe she was so high she simply forgot she was a mother. I have no idea. When she didn’t come home for a week I finally ran out of food and there was no money to buy more. I got hungry, so I had to tell the school. Social services took me in after that.”
Cole was stunned. A child of that age left all alone. He couldn’t fathom the loneliness and fear, what that must have been like for her, wondering when or if her mother would be back. “Did they look for her?”
“So they told me. I’m sure they didn’t look hard. Where were they going to look? They knew her history. I figure she hooked up with someone and left town. Or maybe she figured I was better off without her. That’s what I’d like to think, anyway. They never told me she was dead, so…”
He was sure she wanted to think her mother was still out there somewhere. Still alive. Better than the alternative of dying of a drug overdose in an alley somewhere.
“So you ended up in foster care.”
“Yes.”
She was so calm. He wanted her to rage or cry, or hit something, to let out the emotion he knew she held in. But this was her story and she had the right to tell it—and to feel it—however she wanted to.
“How were the families you lived with?”
She lifted her gaze to his and offered a smile, but it wasn’t her normal, happy one. “Pretty good, actually. I got shifted in and out of a few at first, then ended up with a solid family. I had siblings—two younger sisters, which was nice, and attentive parents, which was even better. I had always loved school, and without having to worry or care for my mother, I could finally focus more on my studies. I wasn’t a problem child, so my foster parents didn’t have issues with me. We all got along great, I was an A student, and I ended up getting a scholarship to the University of Georgia.”
Yeah, just one big fucking happy family. Only she left out the love part. He bet she wouldn’t have done anything to make waves just so she wouldn’t be abandoned again.
“Did you miss your mom?”
“She dumped me,” she said with a shrug. “No point in missing her.”
“But you did miss her.”
She frowned. “Don’t push this, Cole.”
She tried to jerk her hand away, but he held firm, refusing to let her run this time. “Why hold it inside, Peaches? Isn’t it better to get all the hurt and anger out?”
She shifted to face him. “It was a long time ago.”
“Doesn’t make it hurt any less. Hell, I hurt after being abandoned by a goddamned football team. But I have a strong, tight-knit family who loves me. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have them. And look at you—you’re smart, you’re successful, and look at the person you’ve become. You did this all on your own.”
She looked down, then back up at him. “I didn’t do it alone. I had a very nice foster family, I was lucky to land a really great scholarship, and I had mentors to help me along the way.”
“But not a family—not your mother. The person who should have been there for you, cheering for you and supporting you.”
“Not everyone has the traditional nuclear family, Cole. Some of us actually survive that.”
“I know.” He leaned in and brushed his knuckles across her cheek. “And you can try and pretend it’s okay. That you’re strong and tough and you don’t need anyone. That you didn’t need her. But that’s all bullshit. I know it, and you know it.”
Savannah stared at Cole.
“You’re so pushy. I told you my story. Why can’t you leave it alone?”
“Have you ever dealt with it?”
She’d spent so many years holding it all inside.
“I’m here right now, aren’t I? I obviously dealt with my past.”
“I’m not talking about surviving it. Yeah, you survived it. But you haven’t let go of it.” He rubbed her arm. “What she did to you mattered. It wasn’t fair.”
He was wrong. She was fine. It didn’t matter. She had always shown everyone how strong she was.
“Show me how you feel, Peaches.”
Damn him. In a matter of a few weeks, he’d seen right through her. One music box, and he’d known.
Her bottom lip trembled. She got up, walked to the window to look outside, staring at the darkness, not really seeing anything but the years falling away, stripping away the cool, confident woman she was now, revealing the scared little girl she once was. She’d vowed to never go back to that place, to never revisit those feelings again, yet here she stood.
Cole wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened.
“It’s okay to be vulnerable, Savannah, to let someone see you scared.”
“I’m not scared. Not anymore.”
He tightened his hold on her. “She hurt you, abandoned you. What kind of mother does that?”
“She was sick.”
“Stop making excuses for her.” He turned her around to face him. “Did you ever get mad at her? Did you ever lash out, even in a room by yourself, and voice how you feel?”
She looked past him, to all those nights she’d waited in the foster home. “Every time the phone or doorbell rang, I was sure it was her. That the reason she’d left was so she could get clean, and then she was going to come back for me.
“But every time the phone or doorbell rang, it wasn’t her. She didn’t get clean. She didn’t come back. She wasn’t thinking about me, only about herself. Like always, it was about her and what she needed, never about what I needed.”
He swept his hand down her arm, his touch light. He wasn’t pulling her in, wasn’t trying to hug her, just giving her comfort. “What did you need?”
Anger and hurt finally won. She slumped against him. “I needed my mother. I needed her to take care of me.” Tears spilled from her eyes and she didn’t try to hold them back. The floodgates had burst and pain wrenched from every part of her. “Why did she do that to me? Why didn’t she take care of me?”
Her legs wobbled and she started to sink to the floor. Cole was there to catch her, to wrap his strong arms around her. He dropped down and pulled her onto his lap.
She leaned her head against him and sobbed, so hard that for a while she felt like she couldn’t breathe. And through it all, Cole held her, stroking her hair and her back while she cried out the misery, loneliness, and abandonment she’d felt as a child and all through her adulthood.
For the first time in all these years, she let the memories come through, remembered the good times she’d had with her mother, and all the bad times, wrenching fresh tears and agony so painful she wasn’t sure she’d survive it.
And still, Cole held her, murmuring words of comfort, a solid presence while she let go of it all.
When she had nothing left to cry, she leaned her head against his shoulder, so spent she couldn’t even talk. Cole picked her up and carried her into the bedroom. He sat her on the bed and went into the bathroom, came back with a warm washcloth to wipe her face. He took down her hair, slipped off her shoes, and unzipped her dress, making her stand so he could slip it off her, then he moved her onto the bed and put her under the covers.
Exhaustion took over and she crawled in. He undressed and climbed in the bed with her, shut off the light and pulled her tight against him.
There was so much more she wanted to say to him, but she didn’t have it in her to have that conversation.
Not now. She needed to regroup.
She closed her eyes and snuggled against his warmth.
COLE LAY IN BED FOR A LONG TIME, LISTENING TO THE sounds of Savannah’s breathing.
She’d fallen asleep right away, but it wasn’t an easy sleep.
He figured he’d hold her until she drifted off, then he’d get up and watch some TV. It was still early, after all.
But the way she held on to him—clutching him like she was lost at sea and he was her goddamn lifeline—made him rethink his strategy.
She’d gone it alone. Her entire life, she’d had no one. The success and position she held now had been her own doing. She’d had no parents along the way to help her, to cook her meals and make sure she did her homework, no one to kick her ass when she needed it, no one to kiss her boo-boos when she failed and tell her everything was going to be all right.
How tough did someone have to be to survive a childhood like that?
Pretty fucking tough.
Yet she was so sweet. She wasn’t a hard-ass, wasn’t jaded after all that had been done to her. In bed, she was giving and generous. And she smiled a lot. She seemed to enjoy life.
Whereas he’d been nothing but a giant pain in the ass, taking for granted everything that had been given to him. He’d had it so easy, while his parents had struggled to give him a good life so all he had to do was go out and live his dream.
He and Savannah were as different as night and day. How could she tolerate being around him? He was nothing but a spoiled football player who craved the spotlight. He didn’t deserve to be sharing a bed with her. She needed someone who cared for her, who thought of nothing but her, who’d give up everything just to give her the kind of life she deserved.
He sucked in a breath and realized it was time he made some serious life changes. It was time to go all in and stop hesitating about the things he really wanted in his career. In his life.
It was time to start taking some chances.
EIGHTEEN
SAVANNAH WOKE ALONE IN HER BED, FEELING A LITTLE disoriented and with a wicked headache, but fully aware of what had happened last night.
She sat up, drew her knees to her chest, and laid her head in her hands.
She’d been making a lot of boneheaded moves since she’d met Cole.
Having sex with him, of course, topped the list. But falling apart in front of him last night came in a close second.
What had she been thinking, unloading all her personal history like that?
He’d made it too easy, asking all those leading questions, and giving her the music box that had started the rush of memories. Not that it should have made a difference. She’d always been good at keeping her past right where it belonged—in the past. She was supposed to be helping him exorcise all his demons, not the other way around.
Instead, she’d wilted like some frail Southern flower that crumpled at the first sign of frost.
She gave herself credit for having more backbone and fortitude than that.
“Ugh. You’re becoming a marshmallow, Savannah.”
“Hey, I like marshmallows.”
Savannah’s head shot up as Cole walked in carrying two cups of coffee. Despite her irritation with her behavior last night, she couldn’t fault the company this morning. His hair was sleep rumpled, his jaw darkened with a day’s growth of stubble, his chest bare, and he looked utterly delicious wearing nothing but the tuxedo pants from last night, unbottoned and slung low on his hips.
“I didn’t know you were still here.”
“Obviously.” He handed her a cup and took a seat on the edge of the bed, sipping his coffee. “So what about you and marshmallows?”
Her coffee had been made perfectly, with a teaspoon of sugar and a dollop of cream. He’d been paying attention.
“Thank you. And nothing about marshmallows.”
He set his cup on the nightstand. “I’m a big fan of marshmallows, you know.”