“You don’t know anything about what I want or feel. So until you do, I suggest you keep your mouth shut.” She struggled again to get free, and her struggle pushed her body closer.
“Why do you hate me so much?” Tears clogged her throat.
Her words cut at my insides.
“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
“Then tell me. Explain it to me since I’m so clueless. All I know is right now you’re looking at me like I’m nothing and it’s validating the fact that that’s exactly what I am… nothing.”
She held back tears. Her face distorted with her effort, but I could see them waiting to rush down her cheeks. She tried again to get free, but I couldn’t let her leave me this way. I slammed my palms against the wall in anger and pressed against her again with my body. My arms were like bars holding her in as I tried to press my palms through the wall beside her head.
She turned her head to the side like she couldn’t look at me. I wanted to see her eyes. I wanted to see inside her just one last time. I ran my fingers against her cheek and tipped her face toward me with the tip of my finger. She closed her eyes to shut me out.
“Look at me.” My voice was a dangerous whisper.
I felt dangerous. I felt like I was about to explode into a million pieces. She had no idea how much she meant to me in such a short time and it pissed me off that she was making assumptions.
Her eyes popped open and looked into mine. I was so close to her. Close enough that I could see the black spots in her blue irises. Her hot breath rushed my lips and I tightened my fingers against her chin.
“You will never know the depths of me, so don’t even try to explore that far. You’ll get lost and you won’t survive me. Don’t pretend to understand my feelings and emotions. Half the time I don’t have any anyway, but when it comes to you, they’re limitless, which is more dangerous. I don’t look at you like you’re nothing. I look at you like you’re everything, because you are, and I fucking hate it.”
I looked down into her face and my intimate gaze made her pause in her getaway. And then she shocked me by leaning up on her tip toes and pressing her soft lips against mine in the most innocent yet provocative way. It gave me a high like I’d never had before. No amount of drugs could match the burn that pulsated through my blood at the touch of her lips. I closed my eyes, pulled her closer to me, and kissed her back.
Twenty
Patience
After the best birthday I’d had since I was a small girl, I left Zeke’s motel room and went home to drama. Mom was sick out of her mind and I felt awful for not having been there with her.
“Why didn’t you call me?” I asked Sydney.
“She made me promise I wouldn’t. It’s your birthday and she said you were probably with your boyfriend and she didn’t want to interrupt.” A tiny tear rushed down her cheek.
She was too young to be dealing with this. If I could take the pain of our dying mother away from her I would in a heartbeat.
I pulled her to me and wrapped her in my arms. “I don’t have a boyfriend. He’s just my friend and still, you and Mom are more important. No matter what she says from now on, you always call me.”
I walked into my mom’s room and was assaulted by the smell of vomit and sickness. She was lying in bed with her head rolled to the side. Had I not seen her chest moving, I would have thought she was dead. I shut the door behind me and the click caught her attention.
A forced smile spread across her face.
“Happy Birthday, baby girl. Again, another thing I’m happy I was able to see. Eighteen years old.” She gasped with each word.
Her fevered eyes took me in and her body shook constantly. Damn, it was hard to see this, but I’d be there no matter what.
I plastered on a big, fake smile. “Yep, the big eighteen.”
I spent hours in Mom’s room with her. I told her about my day with Zeke and she agreed that the McDonald’s thing was sweet. She’d have a fit of coughs every now and again and soon she was too exhausted to talk. Once she was asleep, I left her room and went to mine.
There was nothing worse than watching my mother die, but being ignored by Zeke sucked. A week later I still hadn’t heard from him. After the first two days of texting and him not responding, I gave up.
My dad came home that weekend and I tried to stay out as much as possible, but there was nowhere to go now that Megan was with Chet all the time. Most of the time I’d stay with Mom and when she wasn’t up for company and Sydney was busy, I’d walk to the neighborhood lake and sit until it was late enough to go home and get ready for bed.