“Oh, what an arsehole,” Roddy huffed, chugging back more of his lager as he watched the huge TV screen behind Seonaid’s head. There was a soccer game on, and although Jim and Roddy had been commenting on the game for the last thirty minutes, I wouldn’t have even been able to tell you who the hell was playing.
Soccer made my eyes glaze over and my hearing switch to mute.
Despite Jim having his arm around me, I thought I had ceased to exist as I usually did when the guys were watching soccer. Seonaid had been telling me about an actress whose hair she’d cut during the week. She couldn’t tell me who but we were having fun playing the guessing game.
It surprised me then when Jim suddenly turned to me and said, “I booked us intae a lodge in Loch Lomond in two weeks’ time. Friday tae Sunday. Thought ye might like it.”
I looked into his familiar-as-my-own face. Jim had an ability to disarm me and trigger my guilt. Despite knowing how we liked our coffee, which sleeping position made us snore, what foods gave us gas, and how much toilet paper we each went through in a week, my husband didn’t know me. But then he’d make me feel guilty over my despair by doing something sweet that almost made up for it.
Since I’d moved here, Jim had tried to show me parts of Scotland whenever we had time. Usually, during the summer we’d take time off work and rent a caravan (like a camper van that was permanently situated in a holiday park) or stay at a lodge somewhere. So far, Loch Lomond was my favorite place. There was something about being surrounded by hills and tranquil water that made me feel at peace for a while. And peace was a hard thing for me to grasp on to.
“Yeah?”
Jim pressed a soft kiss to my lips. When he pulled back, he studied me, a small crease between his brows. “I think we need a wee break away together.”
My ugly subconscious wanted to argue that a weekend break to Loch Lomond wasn’t going to solve our problems, but like Jim, I hoped for a miracle. “It sounds great.”
“What are you whispering about?” Seonaid said loudly across the table.
I grinned. “None of your beeswax.”
She smirked. “Is it about uni?”
Her question immediately made me tense against Jim, and his arm locked tight around me. He cut his sister a scowl. “What are ye talking about?”
Seonaid frowned and looked at me. At the sight of my wide eyes, ever-so-slightly shaking head, and clenched jaw, she raised an eyebrow. “Um …”
Jim looked down at me. “What about uni?”
“Nothing.”
He cursed under his breath and turned back to his sister. “What about uni?”
Seonaid’s gaze slid back and forth between me and her brother; clearly, she decided not to listen to me. “I looked into Edinburgh Uni’s admission and turns out Nora could get in.”
“What?” Baffled, Jim stared at her.
“Edinburgh University,” Seonaid said slowly. “Nora could get in.”
“How the fuck could Nora get into Edinburgh Uni?” Roddy suddenly said without looking away from the game. “It’s one of the top twenty universities in the world. Fourth in the UK.”
Seonaid snorted. “How the hell do you know that?”
Roddy tore his eyes away from the screen to give her a droll look. “I ken ye think I’m a thick fuck, but I can read, ye ken, Cee-Cee.”
“I don’t think you’re a thick fuck. Just a lazy one.” She grinned unrepentantly.
His lids lowered ever so slightly. “I’m not lazy when it matters.”
No one could mistake the innuendo in his voice. Seonaid rolled her eyes and turned back to Jim. I’d soon discovered that Roddy was the only one who called Seonaid Cee-Cee (a nickname she thought didn’t even make sense and was ridiculous, but that she allowed nonetheless). There was something between them I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Jim seemed oblivious to it. Either that or he was pretending (something he was good at) nothing existed between his sister and best friend but friendship. I wasn’t sure that was true. Perhaps on Seonaid’s part, but I wasn’t convinced on Roddy’s. He flirted with her all the time, but he was so blunt, dry, and sarcastic, I think Seonaid assumed it was all banter. Plus, she was four years older, so I don’t think it even crossed her mind that the guy who’d grown up with her kid brother might fancy the pants off her.
“How … wait …” Jim lowered his arm from around my shoulders and turned to me. “How can ye get intae Edinburgh Uni? And tae study what?”
Dreading an argument, especially after our last one in which Jim made it clear school was not an option, I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter.”
“Wait,” Seonaid leaned across the table, “are you telling me you haven’t told him about your amazing SAT scores?”
“SAT what?”
I could hear the agitation in his voice and wanted to kill his sister. “Seonaid, leave it.”
“No, don’t leave it,” Jim huffed. “Tell me.”
“SAT’s are like our highers and advanced highers,” Seonaid explained. “You need a good score to get into university. If you’re from the States and want to go to Edinburgh, you need a score of at least an 1800 along with two AP classes at grade four. Nora got a 2100 on her SAT’s and has three AP classes at grade five.”
“I dinnae know what the fuck that means,” he snapped.
Seonaid huffed. “It means your wife is incredibly fucking smart. Something I’d thought you’d surely know by now.”
Jim stared down at me like he’d never seen me before. “Why didn’t I know this?”
“That I’m smart?”
“I know ye’er smart, for Christ’s sake.”
Did he? Really?
“Ye’er always reading.” He shrugged.
“Well, as Roddy just proved, even numbnuts can read, Jim,” Seonaid said.
“My nuts are no’ numb,” Roddy replied. “One lick would prove that tae ye.”
Jim cracked him across the head with the palm of his hand.
Roddy shot him a look out of the corner of his eye. “Too far?”
Ignoring him, Seonaid reached for her brother’s hand, eyes bright with excitement. “Can you imagine Nora at Edinburgh Uni? No one in our family could even have imagined getting into Edinburgh! Mum would be so bloody proud if Nora got in.”
My pulse raced at the thought of attending the university, of being among those students I envied every time I passed them in their university hoodies, soaking up knowledge along with like-minded people who enjoyed learning. And making Angie and Seonaid proud would be icing on the cake.
He looked at his sister like she was speaking another language.
And then his voice turned accusatory as he turned to me. “Tae study what?”
“Psychology,” Seonaid spoke for me again.
Jim’s eyes narrowed. “Why the fuck would ye study psychology?”
“Uh, I don’t know,” Seonaid got defensive, “maybe so she can go into clinical psychology, or education, or health, or further education, or fucking anything that will actually mean something to her.”
Jim glowered at her. “Would ye mind letting my wife speak?”
Seonaid cut him a dirty look before settling back and taking a gulp of wine.
Silence fell over the table.
“Well?”
I sighed. “Jim, it’s a moot point, isn’t it?”
“Do ye know how expensive it is?”
“Because I’m a UK resident now, it’s less than a few grand a year.” After two years of marriage, I was able to apply for permanent residency so the fees were considerably less for a Scottish student.
“A few grand? Aye, and tae do what? That’s oor money for a house,” he argued. “We talked about this.”
Anger, embarrassment, and guilt flooded me, flushing my cheeks. “I know. That’s why I never brought it up.”
After studying me, Jim seemed satisfied I was telling the truth, and he relaxed. Marginally. His arm slid back around my shoulder, but its weight no longer felt comforting. It felt oppressive, like a claim.