“Okay, can I go first?” I asked. I wanted to set the stage for this game; it might be the last piece of control I got for a couple days.
“Go for it.”
“Okay, how old were you when you lost your virginity?” I asked. I’d been curious about that for a long time, but hadn’t known how to ask.
I expected him to answer right away, but he looked hesitant. “Bringing out the big questions already. Are you sure you want to know?” I nodded. “I was 14; the girl was a little older than me and things progressed faster than they should have.”
There was a heavy feeling in my stomach; I was a little surprised that he was so young. I didn’t even get to go on my first date until I was 16 and Dane had been ha**ng s*x for two years before that. I again reminded myself that the past was the past and I only needed to concern myself in the now. “I think it’s your turn to ask me a question now.”
He sighed. “Okay, the night I first met you at the club you were with another guy. What happened to him?”
“Ryan and I have been friends for years and when he asked me out last year, it sounded like a great idea. His parents and my parents are friends and he’s a great guy. I tried, I really did, but that spark was missing. Our relationship was more like a friendship and I needed more; it just didn’t feel right. I broke up with him that night I met you in the club and haven’t spoken to him since.” I stopped for a second before adding, “He’s going to be at the wedding this weekend and don’t be surprised if my mother brings him up a time or two. She is completely obsessed with the idea of him and she wasn’t all that pleased I had moved on.” His jaw was clenched and his fingers were wrapped tightly on the door handle. I grabbed his left hand in my right to calm his fears; he had nothing to worry about where Ryan was concerned.
“How many boyfriends did you have before Ryan?” he asked, turning his eyes toward me.
I looked over at him quickly before returning my attention back to the road. “It wasn’t your turn to ask a question which means I get 2 now. I have had two serious long-term relationships and several short lived ones.” There were several times I went out with someone who my mother or sister set me up with only to find out after a date or two we were not compatible at all.
He seemed to think for a few seconds. “And your parents knew all of them?”
I worked my lower lip between my teeth, trying to decide how to answer this without sounding meek. “Yes, my mom actually set me up with a couple of them and she knew the others through her social circle. My parents are very controlling of my life and when I say that, I mean every aspect. They are good at telling me what to wear, what to be, who to date, what to eat and where to go. You’re my one exception.”
“You can’t do that anymore, you know? You can’t walk through life using someone else’s plan.” His face was serious and his jaw had taken a hard line again. He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know, but he was telling me something that seemed impossible.
“I know. It just takes time to break out of it. It’s harder than it seems, trust me.” I looked in his direction as we sat at a red light. “I think it’s my turn to ask you a question.”
“Yeah, it probably is,” he said as he glanced out the front window. He was thinking about something, I could always tell, but this time I didn’t really want to know what it was. He was thinking I was a coward and weak and I didn’t want to hear it.
“Okay, then, tell me something about yourself that I don’t already know,” I said, as I quickly looked over at him again. I could tell he was thinking.
He looked over at me with a sad expression. “Are you sure you want to hear this?” I nodded. “I was addicted to drugs from the time I was 15 until I was 19. That’s the main reason I didn’t start school until this year.” I leaned forward in my seat, gripping my steering wheel with both hands. I wasn’t expecting that, not at all, and if we hadn’t been sandwiched in a stream of cars, I might have run right off the road. Never in my dreams did I think Dane was an addict; I knew he’d had a troubled past, but not this.
“What? Why?” I asked when I finally found my voice again.
He had a pained expression in his eyes and I would have done anything to wash it away. I knew what it was like to be broken and all I wanted to do was find all of his pieces and put them back together. “I had just started high school and I had all this pressure. My mother was busy getting drunk every day and I was full-time Mom and Dad for my brother; it was too much and one night something inside me snapped. One of my new friends said it would make me feel better and I was too stupid to think beyond that night. I’ve regretted it ever since. I was addicted and it took me years to break it.” My throat tightened as I listened closely to every word he said. His admission shocked me, but more than that I felt sad for him. He must have felt so lonely and desperate and I could imagine that the drugs would have temporarily made him feel better. I couldn’t imagine what it was like for him to have all the pressures of an adult, to go through so many things alone and then need someone, but have no one to help him.
“What were you addicted to?” I asked, when I regained my voice.
“Just ecstasy at first. It made me feel good and gave me all this energy to get the things done that I needed to get done. It’s hard to raise someone when you’re 15. I started to do co**ine my senior year and that’s when things really spiraled out of control. I started to forget lots of things.”
“How did you kick the habit?”
He sighed, focusing his eyes back on me. “One weekend I was partying with some friends and I realized the following Monday that I didn’t remember anything that happened that weekend. There were so many things that could have gone wrong. I was out of control. I was no better than her.” I could understand why he was giving his mom a chance. He knew what it was like to become overcome by a substance. “I checked into a 30 day program and haven’t looked back since.”
“Are you still tempted?” I knew Dane still had a lot of stress in his life.
“Sometimes. Life’s hard and when you know there are ways to drown it out, it’s hard to stay on the right path. It’s a constant struggle. For a long time, I did it by myself.”
As soon as traffic allowed, I pulled over in a small parking lot, unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned over the console, taking him in my arms. I needed him to know that everything was okay; he had me and could tell me anything. He held me so tight against his chest that I could feel his heart beating fast against mine. “You have me and I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m here for you.” I pulled back and placed a kiss on his nose then his lips; his eyes were both glossed over when I finally looked up at his face. “I love you,” I whispered, touching my forehead to his.
He grabbed my face in both hands. “This doesn’t change anything, does it? I didn’t mean to bring it up on the way to meet your parents, but you asked that question and I have been meaning to tell you for awhile,” he said, his voice cracking with every word. I placed my finger over his mouth to quiet him. I loved him and nothing he did in the past was going to change that.
“We all make mistakes and do things we wish we could take back, but it is what we do after that truly matters...and I like your after.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For letting me be me. For not judging everything I’ve ever done.” I thought back to some of the things Dane’s friends had said about him being trouble or having a past. It still followed him around and I was dismissing it. He had as many things to work through as I did.
“I’m here for you. Always. We should get back on the road unless you want to meet the bad side of my parents when we’re late for rehearsal. You will get to know my parents a little too well if we’re late.” I crawled back to my side seat and buckled my seatbelt. This had not been what I had in mind when I agreed to play Ten Questions, but it had helped take my mind off my family.
We drove in silence the rest of the way, with only a few glances here and there. We were both much more subdued than we had been leaving the city. I hoped that things would be smooth and easy tonight.
Chapter Nineteen
I didn’t think about where I would be going for the weekend, or whom I would be spending it with, again until we pulled up to the long driveway to my childhood home. It was a large two-story brick home with white trimmed windows and black shutters. Even the circle drive in front of the house was brick up to the point where it led to the large wooden front door. It wasn’t the type of house you could just sneak into, expecting to bypass anyone; I had tried too many times and always failed.
I turned to Dane whose eyes were stuck on the large house in front of us. “We’re here,” I said, raising my arm in the direction of the house. I had to admit that every time I hadn’t seen it in awhile and drove up the driveway that it looked obscenely large. I hated what it stood for. I knew my mother loved the house, but it was for all the wrong reasons. It didn’t feel like a home, but it got her to her desired status level.
I parked in front of the door so we could bring our bags in as I waited for Dane to say something. I needed to know that everything was okay before we entered the house because, if anything, the atmosphere in there was just going to bring us down even further.
He finally opened his door and climbed out, stretching his arms above his head. “Holy shit, you didn’t tell me you lived in a freaking mansion.” He looked at me before looking back over to the house. “I’ve never seen a house this big in person.”
I popped the trunk and climbed out of the car to grab our bags, but Dane grabbed them before I had a chance. “There is more to life than big houses and fancy cars. You pay a price for them and it isn’t always monetary.”
He just shrugged. We grew up on two different ends of the economic spectrum, but we were both lonely and starving for attention. Anyone who thought money would solve all their problems was just asking for trouble.