“Where’s Dane?” she asked, taking a bite of pizza.
“He forgot a project at home so he isn’t going to make it today,” I replied, taking another bite of my salad.
“Have you talked to him yet?” My stomach fell as I realized why she was so angry. She had been pushing me to talk to my parents about Dane and invite him to the wedding. She had no idea how badly I wanted him to go; I really did. He would be there for me and give me a little piece of contentment when I usually felt nothing of the sort at home. I couldn’t bring myself to face the consequences of the old and new colliding.
“About what?” I asked, trying to sound every bit of the blonde I am.
She sighed and dropped her pizza, looking right at me. “About the wedding, Alex. You can’t hide your boyfriend from your parents forever.”
“I’m not hiding him. I’m just not ready for them to meet him yet,” I said, returning my attention to my salad.
“Alex, you can’t keep doing this. Either you introduce everyone and deal with the consequences or one day you are going to have to choose. The longer you let this go on, the harder it will be.” Her words ripped through me, causing emotional pain to be felt in my chest. They were a reminder of everything I already know, but to hear her say it tore my heart in two.
I felt tears pooling in my eyes at the thought of ever having to choose. It should be so easy, but it wasn’t. I couldn’t look at her so I kept my eyes on the table. “You don’t get it! You don’t get what it is like to have parents who treat you like their little Barbie doll, ready to marry the perfect Ken. My parents would hate Dane. They wouldn’t even give him a second glance after seeing him. Hell, they probably wouldn’t even let him speak one word before passing judgment on him.” I took a deep breath to hold back the tears.
“You can’t keep doing this. Look what it’s doing to you. This is going to tear you apart,” she said as she rubbed slow circles on my back. It was tearing me up every time I thought about it. I was just avoiding having any thoughts relating to the eventual consequences. If I pushed it away long enough, it was almost as if it doesn’t exist.
“I can’t do it right now. I can’t. I’m going to go to that wedding without Dane and when I get back, I will have a couple more months of peace before I have to start to make choices. Please don’t push me. Everyone’s always pushing me. Don’t tell him about the wedding, please?”
I heard a tray hit the table and looked up to see Dane. His face was red with anger and his shoulders were tense. He opened his mouth to say something, but just shook his head and turned on his heel toward the door. The hurt expression on his face was too much to take in as I sat there completely confused and shocked. What had just happened?
“Aren’t you going to go see what that’s about?” Jade finally asked.
I nodded as I got up from the table and ran for the door, bumping into a couple students along the way. As soon as I was outside, my heart fell into my stomach as I spotted him sitting on a bench with his head in his hands. Still confused, I started to walk toward him slowly, hoping he would look up and this, whatever it was, would all go away.
When I reached him, I sat down next to him and put my hand on his back. He looked up at me with sadness in his eyes. “Don’t touch me.” I quickly removed my hand. His voice was completely cold and detached. I didn’t like where this was going.
I wasn’t good at confrontation. I avoided it whenever I could. “I thought you went back to your apartment to get your art project. What’s wrong?”
“Don’t give me that shit, Alex. You know exactly what’s wrong. I’m not good enough to go to a wedding with you, huh? I’m not good enough to meet your perfect little family? Tell me, Alex, why are we doing this? Is this some of bad boy experiment to piss your parents off?”
It took me a little bit to process his words and when realization hit, I felt sick. He had heard us. He had heard everything that Jade and I had talked about at lunch and he was mad. He had every right to be. In my mind I thought I was protecting him, but all I was doing was hiding him because I was afraid. “I’m sorry. It isn’t like that. You’re not an experiment. I tried not to fall for you, I really did. I knew I shouldn’t have you, but I couldn’t stop myself. It has nothing to do with pissing my parents off, Dane. I love you and need you. Don’t you see it?” My voice started off as whisper, but quickly elevated as my frustration grew.
He just shook his head at me before staring forward with a hurt, confused expression. “You tried not to fall for me? What the hell are you talking about?” he asked, running his hands through his hair. I think I pissed him off even more. Good going, Alex.
I couldn’t hold the tears that had been held in my eyes any longer. I wiped them away with my sleeves. Usually I would care that people were around me, watching me cry, but today I didn’t. I’d hurt Dane and I needed to find a way to repair this. “Dane, my family is difficult. You know all the pressures I have to become a doctor and, well, I have the same pressures on most other aspects of my life. They wouldn’t understand us and I was trying to protect you. When I first met you, I thought you were wrong for me, but you have been nothing but right. I didn’t want to fall for you because I was scared. You’re almost too good for me. You live your life like no one is watching and I live mine to make others happy.”
“That’s a bunch of crap and you know it. You can’t hide behind your fear. Everyone has choices, Alex,” he said through clenched teeth.
“I’m sorry, Dane. I’m so sorry. Please,” I cried, placing my hand on his thigh.
He looked down at my hand. “I’m not going to be anyone’s little secret. I’m too old for that shit.”
“I’m sorry. What more do you want me to say?” I asked, removing my hand from his leg to cover my face.
Dane sat silent for a moment. He still hadn’t looked at me or touched me. “Alex, you’re an adult now. You have to start taking control of your own life or you’re going to be miserable. You should make choices that make you happy,” he said, finally looking up as he ran his thumb under my eyes. He was right. Dane was always right. I was a coward and I was making myself unhappy. I couldn’t blame my parents for everything.
“I’m so sorry, Dane, I just don’t know what to do. I want you to come with me; you’re the only person who makes me feel like everything is going to be okay, but my parents…” More tears fell down my face as I tried to finish, “my parents will pick you apart. I can’t do that to you. I can’t make you go through what I’ve been going through. I love you with everything I have and you’ve done more for me in the short time that I’ve known you than anyone else has ever done. You’ve showed me a side of myself I didn’t know existed.”
Dane grabbed my face in his hands, looking right into my eyes. “Baby, we can do it together. I can be there for you. Let me be there for you.” I rested my forehead on his and for the first time since I sat on this bench, I know I haven’t lost him. He was still mine. It was the first time in my life that I felt secure with someone. I was showing him the worst side of me and he was still mine.
I thought about it briefly. What was the worst that could happen? My parents wouldn’t like him, I was sure of that, but I could make them understand, right? I could do this. He had given me so much and now all I had to give him was a chance. “Okay,” I finally whispered. “Dane, will you come to my sister’s wedding with me? It’s the weekend after next?” I smiled before adding, “I would really like it if you could come.”
He kissed me like we weren’t sitting outside on a bench for everyone to see. He kissed me with his heart, telling me without words that he loved me and would be there for me. His kiss was full of forgiveness and I met him with my own kiss that said I was sorry and I loved him right back. I needed him more than anything else in this world.
“Is that a yes?” I asked, after we finally separated.
He just smiled and bit his lower lip. “Anywhere you are, remember that,” he said, melting me from head to toe. How did he always know what to say? This man was trouble, but not the type I expected. “But, Alex, you have to start opening up. You can’t hold all of this in. I need you to talk to me. Promise?”
“Promise,” I whispered, looking him in the eyes. I was really going to try. This exchange had left me feeling lighter and I could only assume letting him in, all the way in, would be what was best for me. I spent so many years holding things in that I wasn’t quite sure how to let them out.
“Why don’t we go back inside and eat?” he asked. He stood up and waited for me to join him, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
“I thought you had to go get your project,” I said, still curious as to why he was in the student center to start with.
He pulled open the door. “I came to see you. You said you missed me and I couldn’t let my girl feel that way all afternoon.” I swear my heart stopped for a few seconds. That might have been one of the sweetest things anyone had ever said to me. There were no words that could describe how he made me feel.
When we reached the table, Jade was still sitting there with our three trays. She looked weary at first, but when she looked at our joined hands she smiled. I knew I had Jade on my side and that made things a little easier.
“Looks like you kids kissed and made up. Thank God! I didn’t want to share my room every night again,” she said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. I loved Jade and her ability to lighten the mood.
“You can keep the room; Dane’s bed is much more comfortable than the one in the dorm anyway,” I said as I smiled up at Dane. I could tell she wanted to know more, but I wasn’t going to mention it while we were all sitting here and she wasn’t going to ask. “Dane’s going to Gwen’s wedding with me.”