“Yes, the DJ’s great tonight!” Jade yelled, leaning in so he could hear her over the music. “You should join us.” He shook his head as he took a small sip of his beer. She lifted an eyebrow before focusing her attention back on me. “Alex, I’m going to grab a drink, do you want something?”
“Water, please.”
“I’ll be right back,” she said, turning toward the bar.
I focused my attention back on Ryan who was staring at me intently. His eyelids looked heavy as I reached up to run my thumb over his forehead. “Are you getting tired? We can leave if you want.”
“No, we can stay.” He started to work on the edges of the label on his beer bottle, slowly peeling the corners away. Things had been awkward between us for months, but it was magnified over winter break because we were actually able to spend time together. It had become apparent that just because two people got along really well didn’t mean they should date. Ryan and I were an example of this, but ending things would cause so much chaos between our families. I couldn’t decide if it was worse to stay with someone who had a piece of my heart, but didn’t have it completely, or disappoint my parents. Parental disappointment may be a normal part of any teenager’s life, but my parents weren’t normal.
Last May, shortly after graduation, Ryan asked me out. We were all at his parent’s beachfront property in the Hamptons celebrating graduation when Ryan asked if I would go for a walk with him. I didn’t think much of it, but as we started to walk toward the ocean, I felt the nervousness rolling off him. When we reached the water’s edge, he grabbed my hand, took a long deep breath and started to tell me how much he liked me; that he thought we fit and how happy we would be together.
“I guess what I’m trying to ask you is if you will go out with me? I should have asked you a long time ago and I know we’re both leaving for school soon, but I would really like to give us a chance,” he said, dragging his feet through the sand. I cared about Ryan, loved him even, and it was hard to deny him when he looked at me with those eyes.
“Yes,” I said, standing on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. When I pulled back to look at him he had the world’s biggest smile plastered on his face. Making him happy made me happy. I sort of lived my life that way.
He was comfortable and always there. At first, our relationship worked well, but there was something essential missing. Maybe I knew too much about him; he was one of my best friends and there was little mystery left to explore. I knew what he liked and what he didn’t like and there wasn’t much left to figure out once we had begun dating. He was like a present I had already unwrapped.
I had family and friends, but no one really saw me; no one paid attention long enough. I thought Ryan could fill that void, but I was wrong. He was sweet and attentive, but he didn’t see the real me. He didn’t see the artistic, lonely Alex; he only saw the popular, smart Alexandra.
Our relationship had been anything but perfect the last few months; I went off to college at NYU while he attended Stanford in California. Winter break was the first time I’d seen him since Thanksgiving break and before that it had been Labor Day weekend when he left for school. Even when we were together he didn’t make my toes curl or my heart race. He was my comfort and stability. I thought I was happy with that, but I wasn’t. Not by a long shot.
Jade set our drinks on the table, ending my thoughts. I was ready to get back on the dance floor and forget again. Ryan was still working at the label on his bottle, looking bored out of his mind. I felt bad leaving him alone so I decided to try to lure him out onto the dance floor one more time. “Why don’t you come with us?”
“No, I’ll just wait right here.” He winked at me as Jade and I stood up to move toward the dance floor. As soon as we found a spot in the middle of the crowd, I stepped behind Jade, closed my eyes, and lost myself in the sound of Beyoncé’s voice. It was amazing how easily I could lose myself in the lyrics. They played in my head, leaving no room for worries and stress. I wished there was a way to have them on constant replay all day, every day.
Suddenly, hands gripped my h*ps and I felt a large hard body pressed up against mine. Ryan hated to dance so I was surprised he decided to join us, but glad he did. I pushed my back into him and covered his hand with mine. Jade was so distracted by the guy standing in front of her that she didn’t pay any attention to what we were doing. I felt good tonight. I had worn my favorite blue skinny jeans with a red camisole and black stilettos. Not quite winter wear, but it was standard for the club scene. My long wavy blonde hair was down and my blue eyes had a smoky look thanks to Jade’s magic hands.
We continued to dance as Beyoncé’s voice was replaced with Ellie Goulding’s. The slower song made me want to move closer so I lifted my hand and wrapped it around his neck, keeping my back pressed against him. That was the moment when I realized something wasn’t right. Ryan’s slightly too long hair was nowhere to be found; instead, my fingers met short-cropped hair. I slowly lowered my arm and turned around to face him. The man standing before me was not Ryan, not even close. He was slightly taller, maybe six two with short brown hair. Our faces were only inches apart and even though the club was dark, I could tell he was easy on the eyes. I opened my mouth and tried to speak, but nothing came out.
His hands rested on my h*ps and he looked down at me with a cocky smile. I was staring at the face of the most beautiful man I’d ever touched. I felt my face flush from embarrassment. I hoped he didn’t get the wrong impression from the way I was dancing with him. Then I remembered that Ryan was here somewhere and my eyes did surveillance to see if he was watching. I wasn’t sure how he would react to this kind of thing and I certainly wasn’t in the habit of dancing with guys while my boyfriend was in the same club. I didn’t see him anywhere so I returned my attention to the stranger in front of me. Looking down to avoid further eye contact, I noticed he was wearing a tight grey t-shirt, highlighting a great set of arms and a defined chest. I couldn’t help but notice the tattoos covering every inch of his forearms; he was definitely not someone you could ever bring home to Mommy and Daddy.
I felt a finger under my chin, lifting my gaze back up to his eyes. “Hi,” he said. I couldn’t quite hear his voice, but I could read his amazing lips under the strobe lights. God, he was beautiful; the type of beautiful that rendered me temporarily speechless. I wasn’t sure how long I stood there searching for something to say, but it was long enough for me to completely forget my own name.
“I’m here with my boyfriend,” I finally blurted. It came out so quickly I wasn’t even sure he understood a word I said. Why did I always turn into a blabbering mess when I was nervous? Did I mention that when he smiled two magnificent dimples appeared? Dammit.
I watched him look around and then he smiled. “I don’t see a boyfriend. Sorry, you’re going to have to come up with something a little better than that. Try again.” Who did this guy think he was?
I pressed my lips into a tight line. “No, I’m really here with my boyfriend. Right, Jade?” I turned around to pull her into the conversation, but she was gone. This was not going well. This mystery man had unnerved me by putting his hands on my body and flashing those incredible dimples and there was no one around to save me. Ryan was probably sitting at the bar, slowly nursing his first beer, while Jade was doing God knows what with a guy whose name she would never know.
I hesitantly turned back toward him until our eyes met again. He seemed amused as he continued to smile down at me. “So do you want to keep dancing? Or can I buy you a drink?” he shouted over the music. I was used to guys hitting on me, but usually when I said I had a boyfriend they got the hint.
“I…”
Before I could finish I felt a hand on my back and turned to see Ryan, who wore the same blank face as before. “Are you ready to go? Jade said to go ahead, she’s catching a ride home with Dan,” he said, looking down at me. At least she got his name before she left with him, I thought.
I realized that Sexy Stranger’s hands were still on my h*ps and my heart rate picked up. I was in the middle of the dance floor talking to my boyfriend while another guy had his hands on me. I felt like I could faint at any moment. I wasn’t the type of girl who usually got herself into these situations. Warm breath hit my ear, sending shivers down my body. “If I were your boyfriend, I would be asking what my hands are doing on your body. Are you sure this is your boyfriend?”
Ryan must have then noticed what was going on behind me because his eyes started dancing back and forth between the two of us and a scowl lined his boyish face. He looked as mad as I’d ever seen him; the look was foreign on him. “Why does this guy have his hands on you?” he asked, rubbing his hands over his eyes and through his slightly too long hair. He looked incredibly tired and I couldn’t blame him. We drove four hours from his parent’s home in the Hamptons to come back here for the night and he had to catch a plane back to Stanford in the morning.
I shook my head, placing a finger over his lips. “Not here. Let’s go back to my room and talk. We’re both tired and it’s loud in here.” He nodded slightly before he looked back over my shoulder. I followed his gaze to find that Sexy Stranger was no longer standing behind me. I was so wrapped up in what was happening between Ryan and I that I hadn’t felt his hands leave my body. I grabbed Ryan’s hand and lead him outside without saying another word.
Sometimes I wished Ryan would just yell at me, show me some emotion and passion, but this was classic Ryan. He would never argue and he would never yell; he lived his life in a sea of calm. I knew Ryan was passionate about becoming a doctor and helping people, but I wished he showed that type of passion toward me.
I liked Ryan, but lately I realized we weren’t going to have the fairytale I’d always dreamed of. I wanted the type of love I could feel from head to toe, the type where I felt every kiss deep down in the pit of my stomach, the type where the mere mention of his name made me smile from ear to ear and ignited a passion within me so strong that even on our worst days our love was better than any other love around us. I couldn’t string him along any longer. It wasn’t fair to him or me. I planned on discussing it with him in the morning, before he left, but now seemed like as good a time as any. He was comfortable for me, but I couldn’t use Ryan like a security blanket anymore. We both deserved something better. I took a deep breath before addressing him. “Ryan, I think we should talk,” I said, my voice cracking with every word.