“What your mother said to me had nothing to do with the way I reacted to what you told me.”
“I know, but I want you to know that you’re the first girl to know all my secrets. And you’re the only girl I want to share my secrets with.”
He rips open the envelope and my heart races as I anticipate what is about to drop out of it.
“Thinking of you with Chris kills me. I drove for a long time before I ended up on Shell Island and I sat there on the sand for a while thinking of what I would do if I were you.” His eyes penetrate me and I hold my breath as I wait for his response. “That was difficult. But then I forced myself to think of what I would do without you. And that was worse.”
He upends the envelope and a ring drops into the palm of his hand. It’s a silver band with a princess cut diamond. My heart is in my throat and I grab the back of the dining chair next to me to steady myself.
“This isn’t an engagement ring,” he quickly clarifies as he places the empty envelope and the box of macaroni on the counter.
He holds the ring between his thumb and forefinger and I’m mesmerized by the way it sparkles in the harsh kitchen lighting.
“What is it?” I ask and he finally smiles.
“It’s my promise to never leave you again.”
His smile fades a little as he waits for my response.
“I want that ring. I want to put it on and wrap my arms around you and never let go.” He closes his eyes because he knows what’s coming. “I’m sorry, Adam. I just can’t trust myself to make a sound decision right now. I love you,” I say as I grab his face so he looks at me. “I do love you. You believe me, don’t you?”
The look in his eyes is pure heartbreak. I stand on my tiptoes and throw my arms around his neck, but he doesn’t hug me back.
“Adam, please believe me. I have never met anyone like you, either. What you and I have is so different and so fucking amazing.”
I squeeze him tighter and he finally bends down a little to wrap his arms around my waist. He pulls me flush against him and I sigh as I breathe in the scent on his collar. He buries his face in my neck and takes a deep breath, then his lips are on my skin, warm and inviting. He opens his mouth to softly bite my neck and I moan.
“Adam.”
His lips graze the curve of my jaw until they land on my mouth. I know I should stop this, but I can’t. I want the heat of his mouth on mine. I want to feel how much he needs me.
I clutch handfuls of his hair as our mouths move together, tasting each other for the first time in four weeks. He tightens his hold on my waist before he lifts me off the floor and sits me on the counter. The box of macaroni topples over onto the floor, but the clatter of dry pasta doesn’t deter us. He spreads my legs and slides me forward on the counter as he kisses me firmly. Then suddenly he stops.
He shakes his head as he steps back. “I’m gonna go to my room so I don’t have to watch you leave,” he says as he takes my hand and places the ring in my palm. “Just keep this and call me when you make up your mind.” He kisses my forehead, then my temple. “I love you.”
I close my eyes as he walks away and wait a moment, until I’m sure he’s in his room, before I slide off the counter. I look at the ring for a moment and notice the words engraved on the inner surface of the silver band: Olive you forever.
I feel numb inside and out as I tuck the ring into the pocket of my jacket. I leave the apartment and close the front door softly. Staring at the doorknob for a moment, I consider going back inside and asking him to put the ring on my finger.
But Jackie is right. I need to focus on school for a while.
I turn away from the door and begin the slow, painful descent down the stairs. I’ve only managed a few steps when a flash of headlights stops me. Then a black Porsche pulls into the parking lot and stops a few feet from the bottom of the stairs.
Through the driver’s side window, I glimpse the back of Tristan’s head. Then the passenger door flings open. Chris steps out of the car, grabbing the top of the door to pull himself up. I rush down the last few steps to help him out of the car. He slams the car door shut just as I make it to him.
“Where are your crutches?”
His eyes burn into me. “You’re my crutch.” He grabs my left hand, but his eyes never leave mine. “You asked me why I told my mom we were engaged.” My heart hammers against my chest as he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a small, black box. “She found this a few months after we broke up and she threw a fit because she thought I had already moved on with someone else. I was too ashamed to admit to her that I bought the ring a month after we broke up. So I told her that we were engaged and you never wore the ring because you were afraid people would judge you for being engaged at nineteen.”
He opens the box and I have to blink a few times to believe what I’m seeing.
“Oh, my God,” I whisper as I shake my head.
He takes the ring out of the box and places the box on top of the car. “You know I would get down on my knee if I could,” he says with a smile as he takes my hand again. “I used to lie awake at night, when we were together, and I’d imagine this moment, but I never imagined it like this. Please forgive me for doing this here.”
“Chris, please—”
“Just hear me out,” he responds quickly as he rubs his thumb over the top of my hand. He’s nervous. “Since the day we met, when you insisted you weren’t going to fuck me, you’ve captivated me.” I chuckle, but his smile disappears as he continues. “The year we spent apart was the worst year of my life. The years we were together were the best. Your face and your words are entangled in every one of my happiest memories. You’re a part of me that I can’t let go. I refuse to let go. I’m not myself without you.” His eyes are full of such intensity and pain, but there’s also a dim spark of hope. “We don’t have to get married anytime soon. We can wait until you graduate or longer, if that’s what you want. I just want you to be mine and I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you, to love you and to take care of you. I want to sing you to sleep every night and wake up with you in my arms every morning.” He pulls my hand up and lays a soft kiss on my ring finger. “Claire Brooklyn Nixon, will you marry me?”
I close my eyes and draw in a long breath that smells like the ocean and Chris. He said my face and words are entangled in all his happiest memories, but my happiest memories are filled with everything from his face and words to his scent and the comforting sense of home. If this past week with Chris has taught me anything, it’s that Chris and I have an unshakeable bond. Even if we break up, we will always share the kind of love that I’m not sure I’ll ever find again without him.
I bite my lip as I open my eyes and the tears come again. “You and I will always share something untouchable. And I’ll never stop loving you and Jackie. You both gave me the greatest gifts I’ve ever received, a home and a family. I love you and I want you to be in my life forever, but I can’t marry you. I can’t be with anyone right now.”
The disappointment in his eyes kills me. I step forward and carefully wrap my arms around his shoulders so I don’t put any more weight on his leg. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tightly. His heart beats against mine and I sigh as I realize this is my favorite thing about Chris: how relaxed I feel when I’m in his arms.
His hands slide over my back and under my jacket as he holds me, but he never attempts to kiss me. We hold onto each other for a while, though it’s not long enough. It’s never long enough. When I pull away, I’m surprise to see a hint of a smile on his face.
“Are you happy to be getting rid of me, or something?” I ask.
He shakes his head slightly. “Are you spending the night with Cora or are you driving back?”
“I have to drive back. I can’t be here.”
“Do you mind if I ride with you?”
“Of course I don’t mind.”
He grabs the ring box on top of the car and opens the car door to tell Tristan he’s going back with me. The two-hour drive back to Raleigh is spent mostly listening to Chris talk about music while I dodge questions about school. I tell him about the conversation I had with Jackie and he laughs.
“I’m not surprised,” he says. “When I broke the news to her that you weren’t coming for the weekend, she and Tristan had a good laugh pretending it was because of my gimpy leg. Then she told me very seriously that I need to give you some space.”
“And your idea of giving me space is asking me to marry you?”
“Hey, go easy on me. My high school sweetheart just rejected my marriage proposal.”
“High school sweetheart? You dropped out junior year. We went to the same high school for like three weeks.”
“Worst three weeks of my life. Why do you think I quit?”
I shove his arm and the car swerves a little to the right.
“Hey, watch the road,” he warns me. We ride together in silence for a while before he speaks again. “I didn’t want to tell you this earlier, but the open adoption is off. They don’t want anything to do with us.”
My body floods with adrenaline and I grip the steering wheel as I try to formulate a response. “When did you find out?”
“I found out yesterday, but I wanted to wait until we were together to tell you. I’m sorry. I feel like I failed you.”
My hands shake as I realize that the one thing I feared the most when Chris told me he was going to pursue an open adoption has come true. I never got to see or hold my daughter.
“You’re not sorry. You got to hold her hand.”
“You think holding her hand was enough?”
“I didn’t even get to see her and now she’s gone! Forever!”
“I tried my fucking best! I went so far as to offer them money just so you could have one more opportunity to see her before they made up their minds, but they want nothing to do with us.”
“You offered them money? No wonder they backed out, with you flashing your money all over the place. They don’t want your money and they sure as hell don’t want your fame. What do you think they pictured in their mind? What do you think they thought would happen years from now when Abigail figured out who you are? You scared them off. They can’t compete with a fucking rock star.”
My heart is racing as I spit out these vile accusations that I only half believe, but I feel the need to hurt someone right now. I want him to feel just a fraction of the pain I’m feeling.
I yank the locket off my neck and roll down the window so I can toss it out. I look over my shoulder at the road behind us. The locket glints in the faint glow of my taillights and time seems to stop as I say a silent prayer for this heartache to end soon. I want to wake up in a time and place where my mother is still alive and she is perfectly healthy and happy. I want to live without the fear that every decision I make will hurt everyone I love. I want to be the person who believes that love and time are truly enough to heal a broken heart.
I want to die.
“Claire, watch out!”
Chapter Forty-One
Claire
I TURN FORWARD TO FACE the road just as Chris grabs the steering wheel. The car swerves to the right as he attempts to stop us from crashing into the center divider. I grab the wheel as I slam on the brakes.
The tires squeal as the car spins around one full revolution and comes to a stop in the middle of two lanes. My hands shake as I grip the steering wheel. The car is surrounded in smoke and Chris is saying something, but I can’t hear him over the thump of my heartbeat.
I’m hyperventilating. Each breath comes shorter and more painful than the last. Chris yanks the keys out of the ignition and I finally hear him.
“Climb in the back. I’ll drive. Claire, climb in the back.”