I know she means well, but there’s no way she can fathom how fucked up things were for me. Her life with her domineering father is child’s play next to what I dealt with. At least her parents care enough to be involved in her life.
“One hundred and twelve,” I count out loud as I keep pumping in a steady rhythm up and down, and my eyes fixate on the corner of the nightstand as I get lost in the burn.
I was doing just fine with avoiding my past, until lately. Walking away from Anna is the best thing to do. She’s fucking with my head, making me want things I know I can’t have.
I’m not normal. No mind as fucked up as mine could ever have a shot at a normal relationship. It’s not fair to her to drag her into my world.
Maybe if I just fuck her--get it over with—we’d both be able to move on. I’m just afraid if I ever get a taste of that sweetness that I’ll be a fucking goner.
I know me. Once I become addicted I won’t be able to let go, and I’ll drag her down with me. She doesn’t deserve that. She deserves more.
She deserves so much better than me.
The goodness that pours out of her lights my world up like she’s a goddamn angel. She shouldn’t want anything to do with a demon like me because I’ll taint her. What she saw tonight will most definitely cause her to hate me. I should be glad that she no longer wants anything to do with me.
But, I can’t let her go.
Not yet.
Not that easily.
I’m too selfish to do the right thing and leave her alone. The expression on her face when she told me goodbye nearly killed me, and every time I think about it, there’s a sharp pain in my chest.
I’d kick my own ass if I could. Better yet, I’d go back in time and refuse Deena the night she showed up begging to fuck me the first night we got here. That bitch is evil, and I’ve had enough of her attempting to sink her hooks into me.
Spending this week with Anna wasn’t one of my brightest ideas, but I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t stay away from her. She’s not like any other woman I’ve ever met. The fact that she calls me out on my shit confirms her realness, and that’s what I crave more than anything in this world.
I’ve got to see her one more time.
The tears have finally stopped, but my mind hasn’t. I lie in my bed, replaying what went down at the hotel. I don’t understand how I didn’t see that coming? I’ve only known him a week, and I’ve already grown attached to him, but that doesn’t mean I know everything about him. I mean, he was still sleeping with his old assistant and hadn’t said a word to me about it. He led me to believe I might be special to him, but apparently I’m not.
I sigh again and shift restlessly, unable to find a comfortable spot.
“Anna, you going to tell me what happened, or do you prefer to keep us both awake all night with your longing sighs?” Quinn mumbles from her bed. “It’s bad enough you’ve been a puddle of tears since I got home. What’s up?”
I take a deep breath and sigh again. I don’t want to annoy her any more than I already have. Maybe if I talk about it, I can calm down enough to sleep. “It’s Xavier…”
“That much I figured. Want to talk about it?” The concern in her voice is almost enough to make me want to cry again.
“He’s been sleeping with his assistant.” I choke back a tear. “I know we aren’t a couple—that we’re just friends—but it hurt. I didn’t know he was…seeing someone.”
She turns on the lamp on her nightstand and leans up on her side to face me. “He what?! Are you kidding me right now? I’m going to kill him.”
“He really didn’t do anything wrong. I knew we are just friends. It’s my fault for allowing myself to grow attached.” I shake my head, and the tears burn my skin as they roll down my temples.
“Now you’re just talking crazy.” Quinn flings her feet over the side of her twin bed and focuses her gaze on me as I lie on the twin air mattress on her floor. “X is chasing you, Anna. Any idiot can see that. Seems to me that he’s a selfish man who was having his cake and eating it too—that is until you found out. Don’t you for one second put any blame on yourself for feeling something for him. X made it damn near impossible for you not to. The man is relentless in his pursuit.”
She’s right. From the moment I met him on the plane, he’s been impossible for me to shake. Xavier has been a constant in my life since I got here. Maybe all the emotion I’m feeling for him is just an excuse my brain is making to cover up all the feelings I’ve been avoiding since I left home—ones I’m not ready to deal with just yet.
I wipe my eyes. “It all makes sense now, you know.”
She tilts her head. “What does?”
“He kept telling me that he’s a bad person and that I shouldn’t trust him. I should’ve listened, huh?” The burn in my chest from my broken heart still lingers. “I guess I need to stop being so trusting and believing everyone is good.”
Quinn shakes her head. “No, Anna. That’s what makes you so special. You’re one of the sweetest people I know. You’re practically a saint compared to the rest of us. Don’t allow one asshole to ruin that for you. One of these days, you’ll find a guy who will appreciate you.”
What if I messed up my one shot with a good guy already? The way I left Portland behind because I couldn’t picture marrying a man who I didn’t truly love flits through me. Jorge is sweet. Sure, he doesn’t have that all-consuming effect on me like Xavier does, but at least he was safe, and he never made me feel like this. Ever.