“Just so you know, when he does go to the bathroom, I am NOT digging through his pile of shit for a diamond ring. There’s a lot of things I’ll do for diamonds, but that is not one of them.”
Dammit! What is wrong with me? Just say it. Say, “I love you, Tyler.”
“This problem could be solved in a minute if Duke were here,” Tyler mumbles to himself.
“Duke? Who’s Duke?” I question.
“Don’t worry, Duke is right here helping things along,” Uncle Drew shouts from the bushes.
Tyler takes a deep breath, sticks his hands in his pockets, pulls them back out and then starts pacing nervously.
“Shit. Shit f**k damn! Ava, I need to tell you something,” he starts, turning to face me.
I watch him bite his bottom lip and a wave of desire washes through me so quickly I have to catch my breath. I really do love him. He’s sweet and cute and he’s good to me.
“I need to tell you something too,” I tell him excitedly, moving closer to his body.
Tyler reaches for me and we both open our mouths to speak at the same time when Uncle Drew starts cheering and shouting across the yard.
“IT’S HAPPENING! IT’S REALLY HAPPENING! I’M SHITTING IN THE SHRUBS!”
We move away from each other and do everything we can to avoid looking in Uncle Drew’s direction.
“Uuuggghh, I don’t have time for this. I need to get on a computer and order my BronyCon tickets before they’re gone,” Tyler grumbles.
“You’re serious about doing this? You can’t possibly think some random guy that could be your father would even go to this thing. How would you even know who he was when you got there?”
Tyler laughs and shakes his head at me. “Obviously if he’s my dad, he’ll be at this thing. I didn’t just turn Brony, I was born this way.”
“You’re being absurd, Tyler. This isn’t going to work,” I tell him.
“This isn’t about me finding my dad. This is about you not understanding me being a Brony. I knew you wouldn’t be able to handle it.”
Is he serious with this shit?
“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t handle. I think you’re insane for believing you’ll be able to go to some huge gathering of weird people and be able to immediately recognize your father,” I argue.
Tyler crosses his arms in front of him and glares at me. “Weird people? Did you just call me weird? Oh, no you didn’t!”
I hate that we’re fighting outside in the freezing cold weather on Christmas, but his words hit too close to home and that pisses me off even more. I don’t understand the whole Brony thing and I can’t do anything but lash out.
“If the horse tail fits!” I fire back.
“You know what? At least I’m taking a risk. I’m going out on a limb and doing everything I can to find out who my father is so I can move on with my life. What about you, Ava? Are you just going to keep working at Seduction and Snacks for the rest of your life, making you and everyone else miserable in the process?”
I shake my head and turn away from him. “You don’t understand.”
Tyler grabs my arm and turns me around to face him. “You’re right, I don’t understand. You have enough sponsorship on your blog right this minute to quit the job you hate and do what you love. You can make a living off of this and yet you’re still going in to your mom’s office every day, hating every minute of it. You need to tell your mom what’s going on.”
I shrug out of his hold and take a step back. “My mom doesn’t understand, I told you that.”
“So MAKE her understand, dammit! Let her know how much this means to you.”
I put more distance between us, walking backwards through the snow.
“Stay out of it, Tyler. This is my life.”
He’s quiet for a few minutes and I watch him stand there in the middle of the yard. He slides his hands in his pockets and puffs of cold air float out of his mouth.
“You’re afraid. You’re afraid to quit Seduction and Snacks because it’s safe. It’s easy to stay there, doing what you’re told every day instead of taking a chance on something new,” Tyler says quietly.
I’m pretty sure he’s not talking about work anymore.
“I am NOT afraid! I take plenty of chances. I took a chance on you, didn’t I? I completely changed myself for some GUY and look where it got me? I’m standing outside in the snow on Christmas waiting for my uncle to take a shit,” I yell angrily.
“I never asked you to change anything for me. I like you just the way you are; I just want you to be happy. I’m so sorry being with some guy couldn’t make you a little less of a bitch.”
Before I can fire off another insult that will most likely make me feel even worse than I already do, the back door opens and Gavin comes rushing outside.
“Did he shit yet? I need that ring!”
Tyler glares at Gavin and I look away from both of them. Everything we said to each other is playing on a loop in my head and making me feel like the biggest as**ole in the world.
“GAVIN! I MADE A POOPY!” Uncle Drew shouts as he comes running out from behind the bushes, buttoning his pants.
“Did you really just say that?” Tyler asks him with a shake of his head.
“Fuck your face! Now, who wants to dig through the epic dump I just took and get the ring?” Uncle Drew asks.
Tyler walks up to Gavin and pats him on the back. “You should have went with my idea of riding in on an Alpaca. Alpacas won’t eat diamond rings.”
I quietly walk away from the three of them and make my way to the back door. I want to tell Tyler that I didn’t mean what I said, but I don’t even know if it’s true. I don’t understand the whole Brony thing and I really do think he’s nuts for thinking he can go to this thing and find his real dad. It’s probably better if I just walk away right now. I don’t like thinking about the fact that he’s right and I am afraid. I’m not the type of person who has ever been afraid of anything in my life. I go balls to the wall with everything I do and I never let anyone make me feel bad about the choices I make. Not having my mom’s approval to do something different with my life has affected me more than I care to admit. I hate that Tyler might be right and that I’ll continue doing what’s safe because I’m too scared to put my foot down with my mom.
“Somebody get me a pair of tongs and some rubber gloves,” Gavin demands as I open the door to the house.
“I’d tell you this is the weirdest thing that I’ve seen in a long time, but I’ve seen skat porn. Watching you dig through shit is nothing compared to that,” Tyler states as I walk into the house and try not to think about the fact that I might have just screwed up the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Chapter 24 – Merry Kiss My Ass
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY COOKIES?!”
Gavin and I pause by the kitchen sink, staring at each other in confusion as Claire’s angry voice carries from the living room.
“Dude, what’s wrong with your mom?”
Gavin shrugs, returning to the task of removing all traces of human feces from Charlotte’s engagement ring.
“Who the hell knows? Just keep an eye out for Charlotte. She can’t see this ring until it’s time.”
“You’re seriously still going to give that thing to her? Dude, you should just chuck it and call it a loss. You can’t put a ring on her finger that at one point in time was in your uncle’s colon.”
Gavin ignores me and continues to furiously scrub the ring wearing a pair of rubber gloves, soap and water flying everywhere. I continue with my guard duty, standing between Gavin and the door so I can block what he’s doing from anyone who enters. I’m not going to think about the fact that Ava and I just had our first fight and now she won’t even look at me, or the fact that the gift I bought her for Christmas is now a total bust. She’ll probably burn it and laugh at my lame attempt to try and get her to understand me a little better.
Gavin’s hand is suddenly in my face, the two carat diamond sparkling right by my nose. “Smell this. Does it smell like shit?”
“Eeeew! Get that thing away from me!” I shout, smacking his hand away as I turn to face him.
“Stop being a pu**y and smell it!” Gavin argues.
“I don’t want to smell it, YOU smell it!” I fire back.
“SMELL IT RIGHT NOW OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE SACK!”
I hear a groan behind me and whip around to find Charlotte standing in the doorway with a disgusted look on her face. “Are you two smelling your fingers again?”
Throwing my arms out wide to cover Gavin, giving him time to pocket the ring, I smile at Charlotte. “Oh, my God, you caught us! We like smelling our fingers. What else would we smell? Smelling our fingers is fun. Do you want to smell my fingers?”
Gavin’s elbow jabs into my spine and I quickly correct my last statement. “NO! Don’t come over here. I’ll come to you so you can smell my fingers.”
Gavin curses quietly and Charlotte shakes her head. “You two are so weird. Gavin, you need to get in here. Your mom is having a breakdown about her Christmas cookies.”
He sticks his head out next to mine. “Okay, honey! We’ll be there as soon as we’re finished in here!”
She gives us one last weird look before leaving the kitchen.
We both sigh in relief and I turn back around to look at Gavin
“Smelling our fingers is fun?” he asks with a roll of his eyes.
“Hey, it got her out of here, didn’t it?”
“I’M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES!”
Another scream from Claire has us hustling out of the kitchen and into the living room. The sight before us is a little crazy, but nothing we haven’t seen before in this family. Claire is holding a tray of frosted Christmas cookies in one hand and using the other to throw them at Drew, Carter and Jim, all of whom are huddled on the floor in front of the tree covering their faces and laughing hysterically.
I look over at Ava questioningly, but as soon as our eyes meet, she quickly looks away. I should never have said those things to her. I crossed the line and now she’s never going to speak to me again.
“Honey, calm down, it’s not that big of a deal,” Carter laughs as a cookie bounces off of his nose.
“YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS!” Claire screams.
“Hey, can I get everyone’s attention? I have something important to say,” Gavin says loudly, trying to calm the situation.
Liz gets up from the couch, walks over to Claire and pats her on the back. “The cookies aren’t that bad.”
Claire turns and thrusts the tray into Liz’s face. “Not that bad?! There are bloody frogs in Santa’s bag.”
I can’t help it. A loud laugh bursts out of me, but I quickly cover my mouth when Claire looks at me with rage in her eyes.
Gavin tries again, walking into the middle of the room. “Seriously, can everyone stop talking?”
“Hey, it was your idea to let the three of us finish decorating those cookies. What did you expect?” Drew asks.
“What did I expect? WHAT DID I EXPECT? I certainly didn’t expect you assholes to shit on tradition by writing ‘Merry Kiss My Ass’ on my Christmas cookies!” Claire screeches like a banshee as she lobs a handful of cookies across the room.
Gavin drops to the floor to avoid getting smacked in the face and Drew squeals like a girl when a cookie hits him square in the chest. “Heeeey, don’t break this one! It’s my favorite. Do you know how long I spent making flesh-colored frosting to turn these stockings in to penises?”
Claire lets out a feral scream and prepares to launch herself over the table to attack Drew but is thwarted by Liz, who grabs her firmly around the waist to prevent bloodshed.
“In our defense, Drew brought over some of his special cookies and we may or may not have eaten two dozen of them between us before we started decorating,” Jim explains.
“You three idiots ate pot cookies before you decorated Claire’s Christmas cookies? What is wrong with you?” Liz asks in amazement.
“See? Now you know why I want to kill them,” Claire adds.
Liz lets go of her hold on Claire and crosses her arms in front of her. “Exactly. They had pot cookies and didn’t share with us.”
Claire smacks her in the arm and Liz backpedals. “I mean, you three should be ashamed of yourself for ruining those cookies.”
From his spot on the carpet, Gavin reaches out and picks up one of the fallen cookies. “Does this present cookie say ‘To Gavin, from Chuck Norris?”
Claire and Carter make eye contact over Gavin’s head and they both start laughing.
“Wait a minute. I remember when I was like ten, I got a bunch of presents for Christmas from weird people. Big Bird, Captain Spock, RuPaul and Satan,” Gavin mutters.
This makes Claire and Carter laugh even harder.
“We may or may not have smoked a little pot that year under the Christmas tree while we wrapped your presents,” Claire says in between giggles.
“Seriously, you guys? When I asked about it on Christmas morning you told me the elves were pissed at Santa because he didn’t offer 401k,” Gavin complains. “That’s the year I stopped believing in Santa because you said he didn’t have fair labor laws.”
“We were probably high on Christmas morning, too,” Carter says with a shrug.
Charlotte walks up to Gavin and offers her hand, helping him up from the floor.
“By the way, Claire, if you’re looking for your rabbit vibrator, it’s in the silverware drawer,” Drew tells her casually as he gets up from the floor and drops himself onto the couch.