Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, the 28th, 29th, 30th, and 31st days

of my distress. And distress indeed! For here I am still; and every thing has been worse

and worse! Oh! the poor unhappy Pamela!--Without any hope left, and

ruined in all my contrivances. But, oh! my dear parents, rejoice with

me, even in this low plunge of my distress; for your poor Pamela has

escaped from an enemy worse than any she ever met with; an enemy she

never thought of before, and was hardly able to stand against: I mean,

the weakness and presumption, both in one, of her own mind; which

had well nigh, had not the divine grace interposed, sunk her into the

lowest, last abyss of misery and perdition! I will proceed, as I have opportunity, with my sad relation: for my

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pen and ink (in my now doubly-secured closet) are all I have to employ

myself with: and indeed I have been so weak, that, till yesterday

evening, I have not been able to hold a pen. I took with me but one shift, besides what I had on, and two

handkerchiefs, and two caps, which my pocket held, (for it was not for

me to encumber myself,) and all my stock of money, which was but five

or six shillings, to set out for I knew not where; and got out of the

window, not without some difficulty, sticking a little at my shoulders

and hips; but I was resolved to get out, if possible. And it was farther

from the leads than I thought, and I was afraid I had sprained my ancle;

and when I had dropt from the leads to the ground, it was still farther

off; but I did pretty well there, at least. I got no hurt to hinder me

from pursuing my intentions. So being now on the ground, I hid my papers

under a rose-bush, and covered them with mould, and there they still

lie, as I hope. Then I hied away to the pond: The clock struck twelve,

just as I got out; and it was a dark misty night, and very cold; but I

felt it not then. When I came to the pond-side, I flung in my upper-coat, as I had

designed, and my neckhandkerchief, and a round-eared cap, with a knot;

and then with great speed ran to the door, and took the key out of my

pocket, my poor heart beating all the time against my bosom, as if it

would have forced its way through it: and beat it well might! for I

then, too late, found, that I was most miserably disappointed; for the

wicked woman had taken off that lock, and put another on; so that my

key would not open it. I tried, and tried, and feeling about, I found

a padlock besides, on another part of the door. O then how my heart

sunk!--I dropt down with grief and confusion, unable to stir or support

myself, for a while. But my fears awakening my resolution, and knowing

that my attempt would be as terrible for me as any other danger I could

then encounter, I clambered up upon the ledges of the door, and upon the

lock, which was a great wooden one; and reached the top of the door with

my hands; then, little thinking I could climb so well, I made shift to

lay hold on the top of the wall with my hands; but, alas for me! nothing

but ill luck!--no escape for poor Pamela! The wall being old, the bricks

I held by gave way, just as I was taking a spring to get up; and down

came I, and received such a blow upon my head, with one of the bricks,

that it quite stunned me; and I broke my shins and my ancle besides, and

beat off the heel of one of my shoes. In this dreadful way, flat upon the ground, lay poor I, for I believe

five or six minutes; and then trying to get up, I sunk down again two or

three times; and my left hip and shoulder were very stiff, and full of

pain, with bruises; and, besides, my head bled, and ached grievously

with the blow I had with the brick. Yet these hurts I valued not; but

crept a good way upon my feet and hands, in search of a ladder, I just

recollected to have seen against the wall two days before, on which the

gardener was nailing a nectarine branch that was loosened from the

wall: but no ladder could I find, and the wall was very high. What now,

thought I, must become of the miserable Pamela!--Then I began to wish

myself most heartily again in my closet, and to repent of my attempt,

which I now censured as rash, because it did not succeed. God forgive me! but a sad thought came just then into my head!--I

tremble to think of it! Indeed my apprehensions of the usage I should

meet with, had like to have made me miserable for ever! O my dear, dear

parents, forgive your poor child; but being then quite desperate, I

crept along, till I could raise myself on my staggering feet; and away

limped I!--What to do, but to throw myself into the pond, and so put a

period to all my griefs in this world!--But, O! to find them infinitely

aggravated (had I not, by the divine grace, been withheld) in a

miserable eternity! As I have escaped this temptation, (blessed be God

for it!) I will tell you my conflicts on this dreadful occasion, that

the divine mercies may be magnified in my deliverance, that I am yet on

this side the dreadful gulf, from which there could have been no return. It was well for me, as I have since thought, that I was so maimed, as

made me the longer before I got to the water; for this gave me time to

consider, and abated the impetuousness of my passions, which possibly

might otherwise have hurried me, in my first transport of grief, (on my

seeing no way to escape, and the hard usage I had reason to expect from

my dreadful keepers,) to throw myself in. But my weakness of body

made me move so slowly, that it gave time, as I said, for a little

reflection, a ray of grace, to dart in upon my benighted mind; and so,

when I came to the pond-side, I sat myself down on the sloping bank, and

began to ponder my wretched condition; and thus I reasoned with myself. Pause here a little, Pamela, on what thou art about, before thou takest

the dreadful leap; and consider whether there be no way yet left, no

hope, if not to escape from this wicked house, yet from the mischiefs

threatened thee in it. I then considered; and, after I had cast about in my mind every thing

that could make me hope, and saw no probability; a wicked woman, devoid

of all compassion! a horrid helper, just arrived, in this dreadful

Colbrand! an angry and resenting master, who now hated me, and

threatened the most afflicting evils! and that I should, in all

probability, be deprived even of the opportunity, I now had before

me, to free myself from all their persecutions!--What hast thou to do,

distressed creature, said I to myself, but throw thyself upon a merciful

God, (who knows how innocently I suffer,) to avoid the merciless

wickedness of those who are determined on my ruin? And then, thought I, (and oh! that thought was surely of the devil's

instigation; for it was very soothing, and powerful with me,) these

wicked wretches, who now have no remorse, no pity on me, will then be

moved to lament their misdoings; and when they see the dead corpse of

the unhappy Pamela dragged out to these dewy banks, and lying breathless

at their feet, they will find that remorse to soften their obdurate

heart, which, now, has no place there!--And my master, my angry master,

will then forget his resentments, and say, O, this is the unhappy

Pamela! that I have so causelessly persecuted and destroyed! Now do

I see she preferred her honesty to her life, will he say, and is no

hypocrite, nor deceiver; but really was the innocent creature she

pretended to be! Then, thought I, will he, perhaps, shed a few tears

over the poor corpse of his persecuted servant; and though he may give

out, it was love and disappointment; and that, perhaps, (in order to

hide his own guilt,) for the unfortunate Mr. Williams, yet will he be

inwardly grieved, and order me a decent funeral, and save me, or rather

this part of me, from the dreadful stake, and the highway interment;

and the young men and maidens all around my dear father's will pity poor

Pamela! But, O! I hope I shall not be the subject of their ballads and

elegies; but that my memory, for the sake of my dear father and mother,

may quickly slide into oblivion. I was once rising, so indulgent was I to this sad way of thinking, to

throw myself in: But, again, my bruises made me slow; and I thought,

What art thou about to do, wretched Pamela? How knowest thou, though the

prospect be all dark to thy short-sighted eye, what God may do for thee,

even when all human means fail? God Almighty would not lay me under

these sore afflictions, if he had not given me strength to grapple with

them, if I will exert it as I ought: And who knows, but that the very

presence I so much dread of my angry and designing master, (for he has

had me in his power before, and yet I have escaped;) may be better for

me, than these persecuting emissaries of his, who, for his money, are

true to their wicked trust, and are hardened by that, and a long habit

of wickedness, against compunction of heart? God can touch his heart in

an instant; and if this should not be done, I can then but put an end to

my life by some other means, if I am so resolved. But how do I know, thought I, that even these bruises and maims that I

have gotten, while I pursued only the laudable escape I had meditated,

may not kindly have furnished me with the opportunity I am now tempted

with to precipitate myself, and of surrendering up my life, spotless and

unguilty, to that merciful Being who gave it! Then, thought I, who gave thee, presumptuous as thou art, a power over

thy life? Who authorised thee to put an end to it, when the weakness

of thy mind suggests not to thee a way to preserve it with honour? How

knowest thou what purposes God may have to serve, by the trials with

which thou art now exercised? Art thou to put a bound to the divine

will, and to say, Thus much will I bear, and no more? And wilt thou dare

to say, That if the trial be augmented and continued, thou wilt sooner

die than bear it? This act of despondency, thought I, is a sin, that, if I pursue it,

admits of no repentance, and can therefore hope no forgiveness.--And

wilt thou, to shorten thy transitory griefs, heavy as they are, and weak

as thou fanciest thyself, plunge both body and soul into everlasting

misery! Hitherto, Pamela, thought I, thou art the innocent, the

suffering Pamela; and wilt thou, to avoid thy sufferings, be the guilty

aggressor? And, because wicked men persecute thee, wilt thou fly in the

face of the Almighty, and distrust his grace and goodness, who can still

turn all these sufferings to benefits? And how do I know, but that God,

who sees all the lurking vileness of my heart, may have permitted these

sufferings on that very score, and to make me rely solely on his grace

and assistance, who, perhaps, have too much prided myself in a vain

dependence on my own foolish contrivances? Then, again, thought I, wilt thou suffer in one moment all the good

lessons of thy poor honest parents, and the benefit of their example,

(who have persisted in doing their duty with resignation to the divine

will, amidst the extreme degrees of disappointment, poverty, and

distress, and the persecutions of an ungrateful world, and merciless

creditors,) to be thrown away upon thee: and bring down, as in all

probability this thy rashness will, their grey hairs with sorrow to

the grave, when they shall understand, that their beloved daughter,

slighting the tenders of divine grace, despairing of the mercies of a

protecting God, has blemished, in this last act, a whole life, which

they had hitherto approved and delighted in? What then, presumptuous Pamela, dost thou here? thought I: Quit with

speed these perilous banks, and fly from these curling waters, that

seem, in their meaning murmurs, this still night, to reproach thy

rashness! Tempt not God's goodness on the mossy banks, that have been

witnesses of thy guilty purpose: and while thou hast power left thee,

avoid the tempting evil, lest thy grand enemy, now repulsed by divine

grace, and due reflection, return to the assault with a force that thy

weakness may not be able to resist! and let one rash moment destroy all

the convictions, which now have awed thy rebellious mind into duty and

resignation to the divine will! And so saying, I arose; but was so stiff with my hurts, so cold with the

moist dew of the night, and the wet grass on which I had sat, as also

with the damps arising from so large a piece of water, that with great

pain I got from this pond, which now I think of with terror; and bending

my limping steps towards the house, took refuge in the corner of an

outhouse, where wood and coals are laid up for family use, till I

should be found by my cruel keepers, and consigned to a more wretched

confinement, and worse usage than I had hitherto experienced; and there

behind a pile of firewood I crept, and lay down, as you may imagine,

with a mind just broken, and a heart sensible to nothing but the

extremest woe and dejection. This, my dear father and mother, is the issue of your poor Pamela's

fruitless enterprise; and who knows, if I had got out at the back-door,

whether I had been at all in a better case, moneyless, friendless, as I

am, and in a strange place!--But blame not your poor daughter too much:

Nay, if ever you see this miserable scribble, all bathed and blotted

with my tears, let your pity get the better of your reprehension! But

I know it will--And I must leave off for the present.--For, oh!

my strength and my will are at this time very far unequal to one

another.--But yet I will add, that though I should have praised God

for my deliverance, had I been freed from my wicked keepers, and my

designing master; yet I have more abundant reason to praise him, that I

have been delivered from a worse enemy,--myself! I will conclude my sad relation. It seems Mrs. Jewkes awaked not till day-break; and not finding me in

bed, she called me; and, no answer being returned, she relates, that she

got out of bed, and ran to my closet; and, missing me, searched under

the bed, and in another closet, finding the chamber-door as she had left

it, quite fast, and the key, as usual, about her wrist. For if I could

have got out of the chamber-door, there were two or three passages,

and doors to them all, double-locked and barred, to go through into

the great garden; so that, to escape, there was no way, but out of the

window; and of that window, because of the summer-parlour under it: for

the other windows are a great way from the ground. She says she was excessively frightened; and instantly raised the Swiss,

and the two maids, who lay not far off; and finding every door fast, she

said, I must be carried away, as St. Peter was out of prison, by some

angel. It is a wonder she had not a worse thought! She says, she wept, and wrung her hands, and took on sadly, running

about like a mad woman, little thinking I could have got out of the

closet window, between the iron bars; and, indeed, I don't know whether

I could do so again. But at last finding that casement open, they

concluded it must be so; and ran out into the garden, and found my

footsteps in the mould of the bed which I dropt down upon from the

leads: And so speeded away all of them; that is to say, Mrs. Jewkes,

Colbrand, and Nan, towards the back-door, to see if that was fast; while

the cook was sent to the out-offices to raise the men, and make them get

horses ready, to take each a several way to pursue me. But, it seems, finding that door double-locked and padlocked, and the

heel of my shoe, and the broken bricks, they verily concluded I was got

away by some means over the wall; and then, they say, Mrs. Jewkes

seemed like a distracted woman: Till, at last, Nan had the thought to go

towards the pond: and there seeing my coat, and cap, and handkerchief,

in the water, cast almost to the banks by the agitation of the waves,

she thought it was me; and, screaming out, ran to Mrs. Jewkes, and said,

O, madam, madam! here's a piteous thing!--Mrs. Pamela lies drowned in

the pond. Thither they all ran; and finding my clothes, doubted not

I was at the bottom; and they all, Swiss among the rest, beat their

breasts, and made most dismal lamentations; and Mrs. Jewkes sent Nan to

the men, to bid them get the drag-net ready, and leave the horses, and

come to try to find the poor innocent! as she, it seems, then called

me, beating her breast, and lamenting my hard hap; but most what would

become of them, and what account they should give to my master. While every one was thus differently employed, some weeping and wailing,

some running here and there, Nan came into the wood-house; and there

lay poor I; so weak, so low, and dejected, and withal so stiff with my

bruises, that I could not stir, nor help myself to get upon my feet.

And I said, with a low voice, (for I could hardly speak,) Mrs. Ann! Mrs.

Ann!--The creature was sadly frightened, but was taking up a billet to

knock me on the head, believing I was some thief, as she said; but

I cried out, O Mrs. Ann, Mrs. Ann, help me, for pity's sake, to

Mrs. Jewkes! for I cannot get up!--Bless me, said she, what! you,

madam!--Why, our hearts are almost broken, and we were going to drag the

pond for you, believing you had drowned yourself. Now, said she, you'll

make us all alive again! And, without helping me, she ran away to the pond, and brought all the

crew to the wood-house.--The wicked woman, as she entered, said, Where

is she?--Plague of her spells, and her witchcrafts! She shall dearly

repent of this trick, if my name be Jewkes; and, coming to me, took hold

of my arm so roughly, and gave me such a pull, as made me squeal out,

(my shoulder being bruised on that side,) and drew me on my face. O

cruel creature! said I, if you knew what I have suffered, it would move

you to pity me! Even Colbrand seemed to be concerned, and said, Fie, madam, fie! you

see she is almost dead! You must not be so rough with her. The coachman

Robin seemed to be sorry for me too, and said, with sobs, What a

scene is here! Don't you see she is all bloody in her head, and cannot

stir?--Curse of her contrivance! said the horrid creature; she

has frightened me out of my wits, I'm sure. How the d---l came you

here?--Oh! said I, ask me now no questions, but let the maids carry

me up to my prison; and there let me die decently, and in peace! For,

indeed, I thought I could not live two hours. The still more inhuman tigress said, I suppose you want Mr. Williams to

pray by you, don't you? Well, I'll send for my master this minute: let

him come and watch you himself, for me; for there's no such thing as

holding you, I'm sure. So the maids took me up between them, and carried me to my chamber; and

when the wretch saw how bad I was, she began a little to relent--while

every one wondered (at which I had neither strength nor inclination to

tell them) how all this came to pass, which they imputed to sorcery and

witchcraft. I was so weak, when I had got up stairs, that I fainted away, with

dejection, pain, and fatigue; and they undressed me, and got me to bed;

and Mrs. Jewkes ordered Nan to bathe my shoulder, and arm, and ancle,

with some old rum warmed; and they cut the hair a little from the back

part of my head, and washed that; for it was clotted with blood, from

a pretty long, but not a deep gash; and put a family plaister upon it;

for, if this woman has any good quality, it is, it seems, in a readiness

and skill to manage in cases, where sudden misfortunes happen in a

family. After this, I fell into a pretty sound and refreshing sleep, and lay

till twelve o'clock, tolerably easy, considering I was very feverish,

and aguishly inclined; and she took a deal of care to fit me to undergo

more trials, which I had hoped would have been happily ended: but

Providence did not see fit. She would make me rise about twelve: but I was so weak, I could only sit

up till the bed was made, and went into it again; and was, as they said,

delirious some part of the afternoon. But having a tolerable night on

Thursday, I was a good deal better on Friday, and on Saturday got up,

and ate a little spoon-meat, and my feverishness seemed to be gone; and

I was so mended by evening, that I begged her indulgence in my closet,

to be left to myself; which she consented to, it being double-barred the

day before, and I assuring her, that all my contrivances, as she called

them, were at an end. But first she made me tell the whole story of my

enterprise; which I did very faithfully, knowing now that nothing could

stand me in any stead, or contribute to my safety and escape: And she

seemed full of wonder at my resolution; but told me frankly, that I

should have found it a hard matter to get quite off; for that she was

provided with a warrant from my master (who is a justice of peace in

this county as well as in the other) to get me apprehended, if I had got

away, on suspicion of wronging him, let me have been where I would. O how deep-laid are the mischiefs designed to fall on my devoted

head!--Surely, surely, I cannot be worthy of all this contrivance! This

too well shews me the truth of what was hinted to me formerly at the

other house, that my master swore he would have me! O preserve me,

Heaven! from being his, in his own wicked sense of the adjuration! I must add, that now the woman sees me pick up so fast, she uses me

worse, and has abridged me of paper, all but one sheet, which I am to

shew her, written or unwritten, on demand: and has reduced me to one

pen: yet my hidden stores stand me in stead. But she is more and more

snappish and cross; and tauntingly calls me Mrs. Williams, and any thing

she thinks will vex me. Sunday afternoon. Mrs. Jewkes has thought fit to give me an airing, for three or four

hours, this afternoon; and I am a good deal better and should be much

more so, if I knew for what I am reserved. But health is a blessing

hardly to be coveted in my circumstances, since that but exposes me

to the calamity I am in continual apprehensions of; whereas a weak and

sickly state might possibly move compassion for me. O how I dread the

coming of this angry and incensed master; though I am sure I have done

him no harm! Just now we heard, that he had like to have been drowned in crossing the

stream, a few days ago, in pursuing his game. What is the matter, that

with all his ill usage of me, I cannot hate him? To be sure, I am not

like other people! He has certainly done enough to make me hate him; but

yet, when I heard his danger, which was very great, I could not in my

heart forbear rejoicing for his safety; though his death would have

ended my afflictions. Ungenerous master! if you knew this, you surely

would not be so much my persecutor! But, for my late good lady's sake,

I must wish him well; and O what an angel would he be in my eyes yet, if

he would cease his attempts, and reform! Well, I hear by Mrs. Jewkes, that John Arnold is turned away, being

detected in writing to Mr. Williams; and that Mr. Longman, and Mr.

Jonathan the butler, have incurred his displeasure, for offering to

speak in my behalf. Mrs. Jervis too is in danger; for all these three,

probably, went together to beg in my favour; for now it is known where I

am. Mrs. Jewkes has, with the news about my master, received a letter:

but she says the contents are too bad for me to know. They must be bad

indeed, if they be worse than what I have already known. Just now the horrid creature tells me, as a secret, that she has reason

to think he has found out a way to satisfy my scruples: It is, by

marrying me to this dreadful Colbrand, and buying me of him on the

wedding day, for a sum of money!--Was ever the like heard?--She says

it will be my duty to obey my husband; and that Mr. Williams will be

forced, as a punishment, to marry us; and that, when my master has paid

for me, and I am surrendered up, the Swiss is to go home again, with the

money, to his former wife and children; for, she says, it is the custom

of those people to have a wife in every nation. But this, to be sure, is horrid romancing! Yet, abominable as it is,

it may possibly serve to introduce some plot now hatching!--With

what strange perplexities is my poor mind agitated! Perchance, some

sham-marriage may be designed, on purpose to ruin me; But can a husband

sell his wife against her own consent?--And will such a bargain stand

good in law?




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