I shook my head. “No, I’m sorry. I just haven’t been hungry, and I need to be alone.”
Her frown lines increased. “You been up here crying is what it looks like to me. Crying ain’t good for you, your heart, or that baby. You gotta snap out of this. If you’re crying over that Carter boy, then call him. Talk to him. You need the full force of your strength and willpower if you’re gonna do this, girl. You can’t be depressed and ready to give up.”
I hadn’t thought about that. But talking to Grant meant I could no longer protect him. “This will terrify him. I’m trying to keep him safe from this. His greatest fear in life is losing someone he loves.”
Maryann put her hands on her h*ps and rolled her eyes. “You have got to be kidding me. Is that boy so much of a wimp that he can’t handle life? If he’s a real man, he’ll step up and be the rock you need right now. If he can’t do that, then he ain’t worth your time.”
She didn’t know how broken Grant had looked when he’d found out about my heart. He was a wonderful man who had trusted me. I had kept something from him that would have spared him from getting hurt. If I had just told him about my heart the day he showed up in my room with Chinese food, he never would have risked this. He would have been safe. I wouldn’t have known what it felt like to be held by him or touched, but he would be safe. His heart would be safe. I’d selfishly taken that choice away from him.
“He deserves more,” I told her. That was all I could say.
“To hell he does. If he won your love, then he won the lottery. You hear me? He’s a lucky man. Nothing else matters. You’re a beautiful, smart, loving, pure woman who lights up the people around her.”
A smile tugged at my lips. “Thank you.”
Maryann loved me like a mother would. Growing up, she had been a great stand-in, though my mind sometimes wandered to what life would have been like under different circumstances. Until recently, I had believed my mother died in an accident. A few months ago, I discovered she was alive in a hospital in Los Angeles, though mentally vacant and incapable of most basic functions. When the media discovered the secret, they also discovered me, which was why my face was spread across TV screens throughout America.
She walked over and sat down on the swing beside me. “Don’t thank me for being honest. Just calling it like I see it.”
I often wondered how someone like Maryann could have gotten mixed up with my dad. She was so real. So full of life and so smart. The man she had spent most of her life with made sense. They fit. But Maryann and Kiro were a hard couple to imagine.
“You’re tough, you’re strong. You always have been. Even as a baby, you were so determined. Kiro adored you, but now you know he worshipped your mother. She was his light. She found the man inside no one else had ever seen and drew him out. Watching him with her amazed me. I couldn’t hate her. In fact, I admired her. She was such a sweet soul, just like you. I see her in you so much. So does your dad.” She stopped and squeezed my knee. “If you want this baby, then I believe you can do it. I believe you’re strong enough. I’ve seen that strength throughout your life, and I think you can do it, but you have to embrace it. Don’t let pain and fear control you, or you’ll lose.”
I let her words sink in and realized she was right. It was time I got strong. My baby needed it. And I needed to be strong for all of us.
Grant
“This is the fifty-seventh message. Fifty-seven days. I’m sitting here staring out at the Gulf, like I used to do with you. Nothing is the same without you here. I can’t even go near the bar in my kitchen. Remembering what we did there is too difficult. Everything reminds me of you. If I could hear your voice tonight, Harlow, if I could just hear you tell me you’re OK . . . I would be better. I would be able to take a deep breath. Then I’d beg. I would beg you to love me. I would beg you to forgive me. I can’t—”
BEEP
I stood on my balcony staring out at the water as voice mail cut me off, then disconnected the call. Watching the waves crash over the shore used to comfort me. Now they reminded me of the fear that had started all of this. The fear that had made me say words to Harlow that she didn’t deserve to hear.
Losing Jace had marked me deeper than I realized. You live your life never once thinking that when you walk away from a friend or loved one, you might never see him again. Drowning in the Gulf was the last way I expected to lose a close friend. It was unexpected and tragic, and it had changed everything for me.
I had wanted to protect myself from that kind of pain in the future. Moving on and living normally after that was impossible. Bethy, Jace’s girlfriend, was proof of that. She was like a ghost now. She never smiled, and she rarely spoke. The happy gleam in her eyes was gone. I hated being near her. I hated being reminded of what could happen to all of us. She wasn’t living without Jace—she was just surviving.
I let the hand holding the phone to my ear drop to my side, then tucked it into my jeans pocket and turned to go inside. Away from the water that had changed everything for me, that had changed the lives of all of Jace’s close friends. None of us would ever be the same again. But I knew that I couldn’t protect myself from that kind of pain. Because, like Bethy, I was just surviving now. With Harlow gone, I had no reason to smile. The pain was too much. Trying not to love her was impossible—it shattered me and brought me to my knees.
My phone started ringing, and I quickly jerked it back out of my pocket. Every time it rang, my heart started beating with the hope that it was Harlow. Rush’s name appeared on the screen. As much as I wanted to smash my phone against the wall in frustration, he was still my only link to Harlow.