I cut him off again. “Let me finish. Even though the time I spent with you was just an act, I didn’t know that, and I’d rather have a moment of wonderfully altered reality no matter how much of it was false. I’d rather have had it fake, than never at all. At least now I can say that I know what it feels like to be in love.”
I somehow managed to smile through my pain. The liquid in my eyes felt like it was going to spill over at any minute and it wasn’t long before I could feel the tears streaming down my face. It was over. He was going to be gone out of my life for good as soon as I walked out the door and got into my car.
“Thank you, Devin. You’ll never know why I’m thanking you, but just know that once I walk out that door, I’ll be just fine.
I would be, I had no other choice.
I swore to myself I’d never let him find out about the baby. It would be just another reason for him to suddenly want to be with me. I thought he was just as deep in this as I was. He’d said he loved me for money; I didn’t want to hear him lie again for our baby.
“Please, Lilly, don’t leave me. I love you so much.”
His words echoed like they were screamed across a deep canyon. That’s how it would forever be—me on one side and him on the other. I couldn’t hear his lies anymore. It hurt every time he said he loved me because I knew it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with my money.
There were so many things I wanted to say, but nothing would come out except, “I’ll never know if you’re with me for me. I’m sorry, Devin. I can’t.”
I finally took a good look at him and saw the tears on his cheeks. He reached out and grabbed my hand, but his touch made me nauseated. I shook his fingers away from mine, turned, and walked away.
I could hear him calling from behind me, begging me to please just give him another chance, but Hell would freeze over before that happened.
The tears kept coming as I made my way to my car. Once I was inside, they poured heavily.
I knew it would be a long while before the tears stopped. I had never in my life felt that kind of pain. It cut me so deep emotionally that it physically hurt. My stomach hurt, my chest hurt, everything inside me hurt.
Was I dying inside?
This is what it’s all about. This is why people are afraid to fall in love, because losing the person you love hurts like Hell.
I cried the entire drive home.
Thirty-One
Payday
I’d rather get my ass kicked five times a day every day for the rest of my life than feel the pain I felt in that moment. When Lilly walked out of my door and I knew I’d never see her face again, the small part of me that had started to flourish because of her suddenly died.
Just when I was starting to feel alive again, Lilly pulled out a metaphorical gun and shot me at close range in the heart. It was like she didn’t even hear me begging her. She just stared off into nothing like I’d broken her and deep down I knew I had. It wasn’t enough that I was shattered into a million pieces my entire life, I had to drag a perfectly put-together person into my world and shatter her as well.
My legs suddenly gave out on me and I collapsed onto the front porch. The fact that I was never going to see her again ate at my heart. Parts of me screamed to go after her, but I knew she didn’t deserve that, nor did she want that. She deserved better. She was too good for a piece of shit like me and I’d give her a chance at a better life without me. It was the least I could do.
I was about to lose what little bit I did have. I had nothing but broken parts of a man to offer her.
Her tail lights disappeared down the road and felt my insides take their final breath. She was gone. It was over and the best thing for me to do was let her leave.
I went back inside and collapsed on the couch again. Part of me wanted to go drown myself in Dad’s liquor cabinet, but I didn’t deserve to be numb. I deserved to hurt, deserved to feel my heart crumble inside of me.
I don’t know how long I sat there staring off into space. Time ceased to exist, but at some point, I heard Jenny talking to me. She was snapping her fingers in my face trying to get me to flinch.
“Dev, you’re scaring me, damn it! What’s going on? I swear to Christ you’re gonna drive me to drink!”
Then she reached back and smacked me across the face. The sting of her tiny palm shook me as it snapped my head to the side. I wanted to beg her to hit me again. I deserved to have my ass whipped.
“She’s gone,” I croaked.
“What do you mean she’s gone?” She didn’t even ask who I was talking about, she just knew. “What did you, Devin?” She sounded panicked.