“You are, baby. You’re so beautiful and I…”
“Don’t you dare call me baby! I’m not your fucking baby, and I’m sick of your lies already! Just tell me how much!” My voice cracked and that pissed me off even more.
I didn’t want explanations. I didn’t want to hear another word except for the amount of money I’d paid to have Devin in my life for the brief time he was in it. I needed to know how much it cost me to conceive my child.
My heart was officially broken and it hurt worse than being kicked by a mob of spiteful cheerleaders, worse than a grown man beating the shit out of me. It hurt like nothing I’d ever known in my life.
“Twenty-three thousand all together. She gave me three thousand in the beginning and I was supposed to get another twenty when I…..” He stopped.
“When you what?” I asked.
The fact that I couldn’t cry was starting to scare me. For the first time in my life, I was OK with bursting into tears. I welcomed the damn tears, anything that would relieve the amount of pressure on my chest, but no tears came. Instead, I just stared at him like a crazy person.
“You get another twenty grand when you what, Devin?” I growled.
“When I break it off with you,” he whispered. “But now that I’m being honest with you, I probably won’t get the money and I don’t care anymore. I don’t want the money. I’m prepared to lose everything…everything but you.”
When he said those words, instead of hearing I love you and I don’t want to lose you, I heard, “Why bargain with your mom, when I could just be with you and have more than twenty grand? Why fuck with the mother when I could have the daughter who’s loaded with millions?
He kept his head down the whole time. Of course he couldn’t look me in my face. For months he stared me in my eyes and told me things I’d never dreamt of hearing a man say to me. Months!
I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself.
The room was closing in on me. I needed to get out of there. I needed to run far away and never see his face again, but just the thought of being without him already started to burn my stomach.
I felt like someone had just knocked the air out of me. How could my mother do this to me? How could she dangle something so perfect in my face and then snatch it away? I’d never be able to forgive her for this.
I wasn’t breathing and the lack of oxygen was making my head swim.
I stood quickly and the room spun harder as I turned toward the door. I felt his arm on me to help me from falling, but I ripped my arm away from him as if his touched burned me. It did. The memories of his touch burned me all over.
“I am so sorry, Lilly,” he said.
I could hear what sounded like sadness in his voice, another act, I supposed.
Then he was in front of me on his knees holding my hand. “Please, forgive me. I’m so sorry. Please, forgive me.”
It was unnatural to see Devin on his knees begging. Such a beautifully broken man, but I’d seen people do worse for money. Money! It’s what made the world go ‘round and I’m so lucky that it was kind enough to snatch me up and sling me around with it.
“Don’t be sorry because I’m not. I can’t be sorry. If anything I should thank you.”
I looked down into his face. Even on his knees he was almost to my shoulders. I wanted to scream at him. How could he do this to us? We were going to have a baby!
“Thank me? For what?” he asked, confused. “I’m a horrible person and I hurt you, regardless of what you’re gonna say, I know I hurt you. I just…” I cut him off.
“You just did what you had to do to take care of your family. I’m glad that I could help y’all out. I’ll make sure your balance to the bank is paid.”
His head snapped up with anger on his face. He looked so heated, that for a second I feared he would attack me.
“I don’t want her damn money!”
Her money? Did he not know all of it was mine?
A tiny bit of hope bloomed inside of me before I squashed it good and hard. A lie….he was still lying! Oh he knew, he knew it was mine and that’s why he was down on his knees in front of me begging.
“As far as you hurting me goes, that’s just stupid. You gave me more than I gave you, trust me.” I could feel the tears tearing through my eyes.
The lump in my throat suddenly felt too large to swallow. I tried to clear it before continuing.
“The time we spent together was a lie, at least for you it was,” I choked.
“No! Not everything I…”