I think about stepping out of his line of sight, but then I realize that I don’t want to. What I want to do is open the door wider and step out into something new, something I’ve never experienced before, not even with Landon. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to hide anymore. Life’s too short to hide. I just want Quinton. Now. No more waiting, like I’ve done in the past.
His eyes slowly scroll back up to mine and he blinks like he’s forcing thoughts out of his head. “I should go,” he whispers, his voice strained.
“Quinton, I…”
I’m not even sure who actually does it. Whether he pushes the door the rest of the way open or I pull it open, but suddenly it’s swinging and it bangs against the wall as I step back. I’m standing there in front of him in my bra and panties, feeling as though I should be embarrassed, but I’m not.
“Jesus, you’re beautiful.” He extends his arm and places his hand on my hip, giving me a gentle tug so our bodies join together.
I manage to moan as his fingertips delve into my skin and the contact is so stimulating I almost collapse to the floor. He seems like he is in pain, torn about what to do next, but then he gives another gentle tug and seconds later our lips collide. I swear to God a year’s worth of emotions pour out of us as we grab each other, our tongues entangling, hands grasping each other. All the passion. Heat. Fear. Worry. Longing. Want. Desire. Need. Resistance. It all blazes through my body at once and nearly sends me buckling to the floor. But he holds on to me, his hand slamming against the wall to keep us both on our feet. His body heat is intoxicating, making me feel like I’m melting everywhere he touches me. And all I can think of is how much I want him. How much I’ve been waiting for this moment.
But then he’s pulling away from me, shattering the connection. “Nova, maybe we shouldn’t do this.” His breathing is ragged, eyes dazed, like he’s disoriented. “Not now, when you’re so upset.”
“I’m not upset anymore.” My chest heaves, my hands on his shoulder blades, fingertips digging downward. “And I’m doing this because I want to do this… I want you, Quinton.” My cheeks heat as I say it, but I don’t want to retract it. I’ve never said that to a guy before.
He still seems conflicted, but when I slant forward to kiss him he doesn’t protest, his tongue willingly entering my mouth. Minutes later the shower is turned off and we’ve abandoned the bathroom and found our way to his bedroom, having managed not to break the lip lock.
The first thing I notice is the scent of him everywhere, cologne and cigarettes. It reminds me of a different place and time, one where I was lost. The memories are extremely intoxicating, but in a good way because I’m not in that place anymore, and the memories remind me of how far we’ve come—how far I’ve come.
Then I notice how bare his walls are and I pull away. “You took most of your drawings and photos down?” I ask, noting that there are only three remaining on his wall. One sketch of a girl I think must be Lexi, along with a photo of her, and one of a woman I think is his mom because her eyes resemble Quinton’s.
He nods with nervousness in his eyes as he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Yeah, I was actually doing it this morning right before you called… I woke up and just kind of decided that it was time.” He shrugs, like it’s no big deal, but it is. It’s huge. I know because I’ve been through something similar with Landon’s photos.
Stunned, I return my attention to him. “You should have told me. You just took a huge step.”
He grazes my bottom lip with his thumb, a trace of a smile at his lips as he shakes his head. “Stop worrying about me, Nova. I’ll be okay… if they were still up then you’d have to worry.” His voice wobbles. “It was good that I took that step even though it was hard.”
“I know, but it still had to be hard for you… but I’m proud of you.” I slip my arms around his waist. “You’re doing so good.”
His breathing increases. “I hope I can stay that way.”
“You can,” I say. “I know you can.”
He swallows hard and then he deliberately leans in and presses his lips to mine, stealing my breath away. And just like that all my reservations disappear. Even when he unhooks my bra and slips off my panties, I barely feel my nerves. I only feel him as I help him slip his shirt off his head, then run my fingers across the ridges of his lean muscles, basking in everything about him. His warmth. The way his heart beats in his chest when I press my palm on top of it. The smoothness of his skin. The only thing that pains me is the feel of the scar and the sight of the tattoos and he winces every time I touch them.
“Are you okay?” I ask, withdrawing my hand from his scar.
His eyelids flutter up, terror filling them. “I’m fine… I’m just nervous.”
“Good. I’m glad I’m not the only one.” I don’t mean to say it aloud, it just sort of slips out.
He gives me a crooked smile as my cheeks start to heat, but then he starts kissing me again, slow and sensual, as if he’s savoring each second, each brush of his finger, each entanglement of our tongues. When he backs me up toward the bed, I move with him, letting him lay me down and cover my body with his. His fingers roam all over my body, not missing a single part of me, caressing my inner thighs before he slips them inside me and starts moving them. I grasp the blanket, trying to hold on to something as I get lost in a place I didn’t think existed. A place where nothing exists, except the two of us. It’s the most amazing feeling, one I haven’t felt in a very long time. All the stress and worry diminish. All the bad is temporarily gone. And as I cry out, something bursting deep inside me, I want nothing more than to hold on to this feeling forever. But seconds later, it slowly slips away and I have to return to reality.
Quinton
Feeling her like this… touching her like this… it’s more potent and intoxicating than drugs. If I could, I would stay this way forever, tasting her and touching her until my heart stopped beating and I took my last breath. The sight of her, with her head tipped back and her eyes glossed over with pure contentment, has me wishing I could pause the moment so I could stop and draw it.
“Quinton,” she moans, letting go of the blanket and holding on to me as if her life depends on it.
It’s one of the most terrifying feelings I’ve ever experienced. Having her want and need me this much and wanting and needing her this much. It’s unexpected. Undeserved. But unavoidable. I know this now. Whether I deserve this, if it’s wrong, if I’m being selfish because of this, letting Lexi go for a moment to be wholeheartedly with someone else, I can’t stop it. Nova owns my heart and I can’t get it back from her.
So I keep pushing her to the edge, letting her get lost, until she completely breaks apart in my arms. After she comes down, I dip my lips to hers and kiss her deliberately, my movements calculated as I explore her, memorizing every single inch of her. Her hands start to wander over my body and toward the button of my jeans. With a flick of her finger, she undoes it, then slides her hand down and rubs me hard. Part of me wants to stop her—slow things down—but I’m too far gone to pull back. Before I even realize what I’m doing, I push up from her to get out of my jeans. Then, after grabbing a condom out of my nightstand drawer, I return my body over hers, murmuring something about being sure she wants this. She nods enthusiastically and a few heartbeats later, I’m slipping inside her, with no hesitation. She winces, the pain in her body making her muscles tighten and her legs press firmly against the sides of my hips.
I pause, panting as I gaze down at her. “Are you okay?”
She nods, her hands sliding up my back, her gaze fastened on mine, her brown hair a halo around her head as she lies on my bed, peering up at me. “Yeah, just go slow.”
Nodding, I slowly rock inside her again and she grips my back and guides me to her. With each thrust she starts to loosen up and before I know it, she’s moving rhythmically with me. Heat builds inside me, my skin dampening with sweat as my heart races madly inside my chest, my attention focused on her and the lost look in her eyes as I push her closer and closer until both of us can barely hold on.
I never thought I’d experience this ever again. Never thought it would be possible to be with someone else like this and not feel pain and anguish, but for the briefest moment they’re gone and I am free.
* * *
“Quinton.” Nova’s eyes are wide as she gasps, clinging to me, lifting her h*ps to meet mine one last time before I lose touch with reality, drifting off into a place of contentment—a place that I’ve only been able to reach with drugs over the last two years. It breaks me and then puts me back together and for the briefest moment, it feels like everything is going to be okay.
After we both catch our breaths, I slowly slip out of her and then we lie side by side, our fingers laced together as we silently take in what just happened. I feel different. Changed. Confused. Content. Lost. Guilty. Happy. I’m not even sure what to do with the last emotion. I’ve sort of gotten used to the more complex, darker emotions that I’ve struggled with in the past. As I lie there struggling to sift through my emotions and trying to figure out how to deal with them, Nova rolls onto her side and faces me. “Tell me what you’re thinking?” she asks, propping herself up on her elbow, the blanket resting over her bottom half. She self-consciously pulls it over her chest. “I need to know, otherwise I’m going to sit here worrying that you… that you regret what just happened.”
“What?” I gape at her. “Why would you think I regret it?”
“Because you’re being so quiet.” She bites her bottom lip with apprehension. “And I can’t read you right now.”
I roll to my side and then sit up, forcing her to drop the blanket from her chest, the sight of her bare chest and big eyes making my heart miss a beat. “I was thinking how amazing that was,” I say, tracing a line across her collarbone with my fingers. “And how…” It takes me a second to get enough strength to say it. “And how much I want to draw you right now so I can remember the moment.”
“Okay.” She’s breathless but doesn’t hesitate, surprising me, because I was honestly just talking and not really planning on doing it.
“Okay.” I repeat her word, nervously nodding as I realize that this is actually happening—that she and I are really happening. As I reach for my sketchbook, my fingers tremble with my nerves and I wonder, if they keep it up, just how well the sketch is going to turn out.
“Where do you want me?” Nova asks as I sit on the bed with the sketchbook on my lap and a pencil in my hand.
“Right where you are,” I tell her, my gaze skimming over her body, half covered by the blanket, her freckled cheeks flushed, her eyes filled with contentment. It’s perfect. She’s perfect.
“Okay,” she says timidly, her muscles stiff.
“Try to relax,” I say to her as I press the tip of my pencil to the paper, then waver for what seems like forever, because the last time I drew someone like this it was Lexi. It seems like it should feel more wrong than it does, but this feels different, because what’s happening between Nova and me feels different from what Lexi and I shared. More intense. More unknown. More unfamiliar.
Releasing the breath I have trapped in my chest, I start moving the pencil across the blank sheet of paper. Stroke by stroke. Line by line. Shading. Recreating her perfection the best I can. The curve of her neck. The fullness of her lips. The freckles on her nose, the ones I’ve wanted to draw for a while. Her amazing eyes that draw me in every time I look at her, because they carry the pain I can relate to, the life-changing loss, the heartbreak, the guilt, the weight of losing someone you love. We’re connected and I try to capture that connection with every stroke of my pencil.
When I’m finally finished, I put the pencil down and crack my aching knuckles, feeling the sting of the moment. It’s been a while since I’ve drawn so intensely and it’s almost unbearable to think that I’ve transferred that moment from Lexi to Nova, but that doesn’t mean I regret it.
“Can I see it?” Nova asks, sitting up with her hand out.
I nod, then hand her the drawing, watching as she assesses it. Her eyes light up more the longer she stares at it. “What do you think?” I ask.
She glances up, smiling. “I think it’s perfect.”
Unable to help myself, I lean down and kiss her, then lie beside her, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her closer as she holds on to the drawing. “What do you want to do for the rest of the night?” I ask.
She angles her head to the side. “I just want to lie here with you, if that’s okay? Until I fall asleep.”
“That sounds perfect to me.” I pull her closer, my chest tightening as I think about the times Lexi and I lay in my bed together. I glance over at the drawing of Lexi, saying a silent apology to her. I’m sorry I’m letting you go. I hope you can forgive me. I still love you. Always will. But I can’t seem to choose death. I’m so sorry.
Nova and I talk for a little bit until we start to doze. I’m a little afraid to close my eyes, fearing that when I wake up everything will have been a dream and I’ll be back in the crack house in Vegas, doped up on methamphetamine. Eventually I do doze off and end up having the most peaceful sleep I’ve had in the last two years. But it’s short-lived, like most peaceful things. That’s the one thing about perfection. It never lasts.