Silas
I can feel a smile begin to form on my face, and I immediately shake it away. The fact that this girl is somewhere out there and has no idea who or where she is leaves no room for smiles. I grab another letter, this time wanting to read something from her to me.
Dear Silas baby,
Best. Concert. Ever. You may be cuter than Harry Styles, especially when you do that shoulder move and pretend you’re smoking a cigar. Thank you for locking us in a broom closet and then keeping your promise. I REALLY liked the broom closet. I hope we can replicate it in our house one day. Just go in there and make out while the kids nap. Except with snacks, because…hangry. Speaking of food, I have to go because the kids I’m babysitting are dumping a jar of pickles down the toilet. Oops! Maybe we should just have a dog.
Never Never,
Charlie
I like her. I even kind of like myself with her.
A dull ache begins to make its way across my chest. I rub it while staring at her handwriting. It’s familiar.
It’s sadness. I remember what it feels like to be sad.
I read another letter from me to her, hoping to gain more insight into my personality.
Charlie baby,
I missed you today more than I’ve ever missed you. It was a hard day. It’s been a hard summer, actually. The upcoming trial coupled with not being allowed to see you has officially made this the worst year of my life.
And to think it started out so good.
Remember that night I snuck in your window? I remember it vividly, but that might be because I still have it on video and I watch it every single night. But I know that whether or not I had it on video at all, I’d still remember every detail of it. It was the first time we ever spent the night together as a couple, even though I wasn’t actually supposed to be spending the night.
But waking up and seeing the sun shining through the window and across your face made it feel like a dream. Like this girl I had been holding in my arms for the past six hours wasn’t real. Because life couldn’t possibly feel as perfect and as carefree as it did in that moment.
I know you sometimes give me a hard time about how much I loved that night, but I think it’s because I never really told you why.
After you fell asleep, I moved the video camera closer to us. I wrapped my arms around you and listened to you breathe until I fell asleep.
Sometimes when I have trouble sleeping, I’ll play that video.
I know that’s weird, but that’s what you love about me. You love how much I love you. Because yes. I love you way too much. More than anyone deserves to be loved. But I can’t help it. You make normal love hard. You make me psycho-love you.
One of these days all of this mess will pass. Our families will forget how much they’ve hurt each other. They’ll see the bond we continue to have and they’ll be forced to accept it.
Until then, never lose hope. Never stop loving me. Never forget.
Never Never,
Silas.
I squeeze my eyes shut and release a slow breath. How is it possible to miss someone you can’t remember?
I set the letters aside and begin to sift through Charlie’s journals. I need to find the ones surrounding the events with our fathers. It seems to have been the catalyst in our relationship. I grab one and open it up to a random page.
I hate Annika. Oh my god, she’s so stupid.
I flip to a different page. I kind of hate Annika too, but that’s not important right now.
Silas baked me a cake for my birthday. It was awful. I think he forgot the eggs. But it was the most beautiful chocolate failure I’ve ever seen. I was so happy that I didn’t even make a gag face when I ate a slice. But, oh god, it was so bad. Best boyfriend ever.
I want to keep reading that one, but I don’t. What type of idiot forgets the eggs? I flip a few pages forward.
They took my dad today. I sit up straighter.
They took my dad today. I don’t feel anything. Will the feelings come? Or maybe I feel everything. All I can do is sit here and stare at the wall. I feel so helpless, like I should be doing something. Everything has changed, and my chest hurts. Silas keeps coming to the house, but I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to see anyone. It’s not fair. Why have kids if you’re just going to do stupid shit and leave them? Dad says it’s all a misunderstanding and that the truth will come out, but Mom hasn’t stopped crying. And we can’t use any of our credit cards, because everything has been frozen. The phone won’t stop ringing, and Janette is sitting on her bed, sucking her thumb like when she was little. I just want to die. I hate whoever did this to my family. I can’t even—
I flip a few pages forward.
We have to move out of our house. Dad’s lawyer told us today. The court is seizing it to pay off his debt. I only know this because I was listening outside of the office door when he told Mom. As soon as he left, she locked herself in her bedroom and hasn’t come out in two days. We have to be out of our house in five. I started packing some of our stuff, but I’m not even sure what we’re allowed to keep. Or where we are supposed to go. My hair started falling out about a week ago. In big chunks when I brush it and when I’m in the shower. And yesterday, Janette got in trouble at school for scratching a girl on the face when she made fun of the fact our dad is in prison.
I have a couple thousand dollars in my savings account, but seriously, who is going to rent me an apartment? I don’t know what to do. I still haven’t seen Silas, but he comes every day. I make Janette tell him to go away. I’m so embarrassed. Everyone is talking about us, even my friends. Annika accidentally included me in a group text where they were sending each other prison memes. Come to think of it, I don’t think it was an accident. She’d love to get her claws into Silas. Now’s her chance. As soon as he realizes what an embarrassment my family has become, he won’t want anything to do with me.
Ugh. Was that the type of person I was? Why did she think that? I would never…I don’t think I would ever…
Would I…? I close the journal and rub my forehead. I’m getting a headache, and I don’t feel any closer to figuring this out. I decide to read one more page.
I miss my house. It’s not my house anymore, so can I still say that? I miss what used to be my house. Sometimes I go there, just stand across the street, and remember. I don’t even know if life was so great pre-Dad in prison, or if I was just living in a luxurious bubble. At least I didn’t feel like this. Like some loser. All Mom does is drink. She doesn’t even care about us anymore. And you have to wonder if she ever did, or if we were just fixtures in her glamorous life, Janette and me. Because she only cares about the way she feels now.