I love you,
Dad
I read the letter twice to make sure I don’t miss anything. Whatever happened between my father and her father was serious. The man is in prison, and from reading the letter, he doesn’t think his sentence is justified. It makes me wonder if my father is really to blame.
I place the letter in a new pile to keep it separate. If I keep all the letters that could mean something in their own pile, then if we lose our memories again, we won’t have to waste time reading letters that serve no purpose.
I open up another letter that looks like it’s been read a hundred times.
Dear Charlie baby,
You get really angry when you’re hungry. You get hangry. It’s like you’re not even the same person. Can we keep granola bars in your purse or something? It’s just that I worry about my balls. The guys are starting to say I’m whipped. And I know what it looks like. I ran like young buck to get you a bucket of chicken yesterday and missed the best part of the game. I missed seeing the greatest comeback in the history of football. All because I’m scared—so in love with you. Maybe I am whipped. You looked really sexy with all that chicken grease on your face. Ripping the meat away with your teeth like a savage. God. I just want to marry you.
Never Never
Silas
I can feel a smile begin to form on my face, and I immediately shake it away. The fact that this girl is somewhere out there and has no idea who or where she is leaves no room for smiles. I grab another letter, this time wanting to read something from her to me.
Dear Silas baby,
Best. Concert. Ever. You may be cuter than Harry Styles, especially when you do that shoulder move and pretend you’re smoking a cigar. Thank you for locking us in a broom closet and then keeping your promise. I REALLY liked the broom closet. I hope we can replicate it in our house one day. Just go in there and make out while the kids nap. Except with snacks, because…hangry. Speaking of food, I have to go because the kids I’m babysitting are dumping a jar of pickles down the toilet. Oops! Maybe we should just have a dog.
Never Never,
Charlie
I like her. I even kind of like myself with her.
A dull ache begins to make its way across my chest. I rub it while staring at her handwriting. It’s familiar.
It’s sadness. I remember what it feels like to be sad.
I read another letter from me to her, hoping to gain more insight into my personality.
Charlie baby,
I missed you today more than I’ve ever missed you. It was a hard day. It’s been a hard summer, actually. The upcoming trial coupled with not being allowed to see you has officially made this the worst year of my life.
And to think it started out so good.
Remember that night I snuck in your window? I remember it vividly, but that might be because I still have it on video and I watch it every single night. But I know that whether or not I had it on video at all, I’d still remember every detail of it. It was the first time we ever spent the night together as a couple, even though I wasn’t actually supposed to be spending the night.
But waking up and seeing the sun shining through the window and across your face made it feel like a dream. Like this girl I had been holding in my arms for the past six hours wasn’t real. Because life couldn’t possibly feel as perfect and as carefree as it did in that moment.
I know you sometimes give me a hard time about how much I loved that night, but I think it’s because I never really told you why.
After you fell asleep, I moved the video camera closer to us. I wrapped my arms around you and listened to you breathe until I fell asleep.
Sometimes when I have trouble sleeping, I’ll play that video.
I know that’s weird, but that’s what you love about me. You love how much I love you. Because yes. I love you way too much. More than anyone deserves to be loved. But I can’t help it. You make normal love hard. You make me psycho-love you.
One of these days all of this mess will pass. Our families will forget how much they’ve hurt each other. They’ll see the bond we continue to have and they’ll be forced to accept it.
Until then, never lose hope. Never stop loving me. Never forget.
Never Never,
Silas.
I squeeze my eyes shut and release a slow breath. How is it possible to miss someone you can’t remember?
I set the letters aside and begin to sift through Charlie’s journals. I need to find the ones surrounding the events with our fathers. It seems to have been the catalyst in our relationship. I grab one and open it up to a random page.
I hate Annika. Oh my god, she’s so stupid.
I flip to a different page. I kind of hate Annika too, but that’s not important right now.
Silas baked me a cake for my birthday. It was awful. I think he forgot the eggs. But it was the most beautiful chocolate failure I’ve ever seen. I was so happy that I didn’t even make a gag face when I ate a slice. But, oh god, it was so bad. Best boyfriend ever.
I want to keep reading that one, but I don’t. What type of idiot forgets the eggs? I flip a few pages forward.
They took my dad today. I sit up straighter.
They took my dad today. I don’t feel anything. Will the feelings come? Or maybe I feel everything. All I can do is sit here and stare at the wall. I feel so helpless, like I should be doing something. Everything has changed, and my chest hurts. Silas keeps coming to the house, but I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to see anyone. It’s not fair. Why have kids if you’re just going to do stupid shit and leave them? Dad says it’s all a misunderstanding and that the truth will come out, but Mom hasn’t stopped crying. And we can’t use any of our credit cards, because everything has been frozen. The phone won’t stop ringing, and Janette is sitting on her bed, sucking her thumb like when she was little. I just want to die. I hate whoever did this to my family. I can’t even—