Jamie makes a sound of surprise. How can he not know?
“You love him?”
“I do.” How has he not seen it before? I told him. Maybe it's different now that he knows everything. Now that he knows what loving Peter means.
“But you're going to tell me that I should let her go.” I wish I could. I wish I could tell him what to do, but I can't. “She makes me forget about everything. About Dad and Cassie, and all the shit I have to deal with. I don't have to pretend with her.”
I've never heard Jamie talk about anyone this way. He's had dates and flirted with girls, but never anything serious. Until now. A little pang of guilt goes through me. Maybe if I'd been there for him, he wouldn't have had to look somewhere else for someone who understands and listens to him. Maybe if... But it isn’t meant to be.
“She makes you happy,” I say. It's not a question.
“Yes. She's it for me. I'd be with her no matter what.” I glance behind me at Peter. I know he can hear everything. I feel his ache for me, and it magnifies my own. Jamie catches me looking mournfully at Peter.
“Why are you staying away from Peter?” Way to switch the topic with ease, Jamie.
“Remember how I told you about the bind he made with Di? Well, it's been chaffing him lately. I know that's a weird way to describe it, but that's the best way I can describe it. I'm just so scared to lose him. I can't lose him, Jamie.” My voice cracks and I'm afraid I'm going to get all blubbery and emotional again.
“Then you have to fight. I know I haven't been a fan of him, but if you love him, then I'm cool with it. As long as he doesn't change you without your permission. Then his ass is grass.” I laugh a little.
“I don't know how. It all seems so impossible.”
“If it's meant to be, it will work out.” Rasha said the same thing.
Yeah, I'm not really into the whole 'wait and see.' It's time to seize and take. The future belongs to those who take hold of it. My mother never said that, but I read something like that once.
“I'll be right back.” I turn around and see Peter lurking behind a Sentra.
“You. Come here.” I point to him and crook my finger. “I know you want to keep your distance and all, but that's not going to work for me.” I wait for him to tell me to stay away, that he can't be close to me, or for him to turn to ash.
He takes a step toward me. “It is not working for me, either.”
I want to throw myself on him, but I settle for another step. “Just, don't fall for me. Please? I'll do really unattractive things like blowing my nose in my hand and farting and stuff.”
A step. “Nothing you could do would ever disgust me. Ever.”
“Then you have to promise me something.” I pause before I say it. Promises are huge things for us. “That when we go to find Di with Helena, that if it doesn't work, you will change me. No more waiting.”
He turns his head to the side. “You want me to change you?”
“Yes.” I'm sure. It only took less than an hour of him ignoring me to know that I never, ever want that to happen again. The only thing that would be worse than being a vampire hybrid would be Peter ignoring me. It is unendurable.
“I said I would only change you if that was what you wanted. Is that what you want?” I nod.
He holds my arms with his hands, looking deep into my eyes. Just to make sure. “If we can't get rid of Di, yes. I want you to change me.”
He nods. That's a first. “Then I promise. I promise that we will make a plan to get Di and if we can't follow through with it, I will change you.”
“Okay then.”
I lean up and kiss him on the lips. Just a quick peck and then I run away. Kiss and ditch. My heart fills with the certainty that no matter what, human or noctalis, Peter and I will be together. I can deal with anything else, as long as I have him.
I go through the rest of the day with a crazy smile on my face. Tex asks me about it, but I just shake my head. My teachers keep looking at me suspiciously, so I have to cool it in most of my classes. There is such certainty in my decision. I wasn't ready, but something about today has flipped the switch. One moment I had doubt and now I have none. I think the weekend did it to me, too. Seeing Mom's house and how tragic it all was affected me more than I could admit. I don’t want my relationship with Peter to be like that house. A place I remember, but can’t go back to.
Yes, the immortality thing scares the bejeezus out of me. Yes, I don't really want to live forever, but if I get to have Peter, I'll take it. I can do anything as long as he is by my side. The other side of the coin is that death scares me. Despite having a mother who is soon to face it, I am actually more scared about the thought of my own mortality than I was a little while ago.
I'm sure now.
***
I get home to a note that Dad's taken Mom to the doctor's. It sends a wave of nausea through me, but I know that this is going to be the norm now. It's going to get more and more frequent. We must have taxed her yesterday, but that was bound to happen. She refuses to slow down. I don't blame her.
Mom's tulips are starting to poke their little heads out of the soil and into the sunlight. She's been trying to keep up with the weeding, watering and such, but it's just too much for her since she tires so easily.
“Hey, want to be my garden boy?” I say to Peter, shading my face from the sun. Maybe I'll borrow Mom's giant straw hat.
“Your wish is my command,” he says, bowing. Oh, I could get used to that.
I put on the hat and grab some gloves and a trowel. Peter digs right in, moving faster than I ever could. I've discovered yet another one of his talents. Weed Master. I'm going to add it to the List of Things I Love About Peter right between Doing My Laundry and Letting Me Play Taylor Swift In The Car.
I sit back and watch him. The dirt covers his clothes, and he doesn't care that it's everywhere. He's so breathtaking and I can't believe I get to call him mine.
“You're staring,” he says.
“You're sexy.”
He lunges at me and I squeal to get away. He rolls with me in the flowerbed, and I don't care that we're probably crushing some of them. He props himself on his elbows over me and wipes some dirt on my nose.
“There.”
“What was that for?”
“I wanted to see what you looked like covered in dirt. Humans are very clean.”
I can barely breathe, and it's not because my lungs aren't working. “We tend to be. I could not shower if you'd like that.”
“I like the way your skin smells in the morning when you wake up.”