If If If
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Yang Chen felt that there seemed to be something wrong with Cai Yan’s mood as he looked at such a facial expression. He didn’t understand what was going on. Curious, he asked, “What is it? What happened?”
“To be honest, do you feel that being together with me and eating with me are both a waste of your precious time?” Cai Yan asked emotionlessly.
Yang Chen got dumbfounded. Frowning, he asked, “Cai Yan, what do you mean? Why did you suddenly say that?’
“What do I mean?” Cai Yan snorted coldly. “Do you possibly mind your own business and finish your food in three minutes without saying anything when you eat with other women before biting a toothpick while you wait for them to slowly finish their food?”
Yang Chen vaguely understood why Cai Yan was mad. Smiling awkwardly, he said, “I’m really sorry. I thought you were all about effectiveness since you’re a police, and I also don’t know what to say to you. Actually, finishing my food in three minutes is my usual speed when I eat alone. I didn’t mean anything else by it, I didn’t know this’d displease you.”
Cai Yan turned dismal. “Police… In your eyes, except for the fact that I’m a police, could I possibly also not be a woman?”
Yang Chen listened to her silently. He too felt rather weird in his heart, since he really didn’t see Cai Yan as a beauty he could admire, unlike the other women around him.
Although Cai Yan’s appearance and body were both exceptional, he had a few bad memories regarding her. Together with the way Cai Yan spoke and handled tasks, Yang Chen found it hard to equate this lady to a ‘beauty’.
“I… I really didn’t think of this question before,” Yang Chen answered honestly.
Cai Yan said softly, “I specially put on makeup before leaving the house and coming here today. I even carefully selected a restaurant. Do you know what i did all this for?”
Yang Chen wasn’t an idiot. He could connect the dots as he thought of the time where she gave him a Rolex watch, the matter where she did her best to look after Zhenxiu, and the way she spoke and acted for a few times, especially today when she asked him out for lunch after going out of her way to dress up nicely…
Although Yang Chen felt that it was rather unbelievable, Cai Yan evidently had that kind of feelings for him.
Yang Chen felt a massive headache. If it was him back then, he wouldn’t even have time to celebrate if there was such a beautiful police officer coming to his door herself. He definitely wouldn’t refuse the visitor. However today, Yang Chen felt rather afraid when he met a beauty who willingly clung to him. He had always felt apologetic towards the few ladies around him. If he got involved with this beautiful police officer as well, or even took in a few more in the future, Yang Chen felt that his nerves would split one day. The guilt he held in his heart towards every woman of his was enough to make him seek death due to the pain.
Seeing that Yang Chen wasn’t talking, Cai Yan bit her lower lip and said, “You can definitely tell what I’m thinking after what I’ve done. Don’t even try to avoid this.”
“Cai Yan, I… really came out just to return your handbag today.” Yang Chen didn’t know how to reject Cai Yan. He could only push her away indirectly.
Cai Yan’s face expressed disappointment, but soon turned to hatred. She felt like she had to get her dissatisfaction and resentment off her chest as soon as possible!
Cai Yan gazed at Yang Chen directly as tears filled up her eyes. Smiling disdainfully, she said, “Yang Chen, do you know that this seems to be the first time in my life that I got rejected by a man?
“My family, influence, career, and face that even women are envious of, are all useless when I’m faced with such a man...
“Whether you can give me a fulfilling love life or not is already a problem. Other women must be mocking me for my stupidity…
“Return the handbag to me? Humph, how much money is this damned bag worth… Let me tell you, I have never cared about stuff like this!
“If you have considered my feelings for even the slightest bit, before you sat down in front of me and said what you did earlier, you would at least ask yourself if you had to speak this brutally or not, so brutal that you caused cut wounds to appear all over the body of a woman who isn’t very confident, a woman who just wants to speak to you!
“I don’t have to ask you to come to such a place, just to take back a bag that’s worth two thousand bucks… Can’t I live by my own if I don’t see you?!
“Don’t I have a nicer bag?! Don’t I have time to go there and take it myself?! Does the situation not allow me to do that?! Or… do I not have the money to even get a bag…
“Answer me!”
Cai Yan’s voice became really loud at last, but she didn’t attract much attention from the other customers since the restaurant was located by the road, causing the noise outside to be rather apparent.
Yang Chen’s body appeared to be stiff on his seat. Cai Yan’s words acted just like nails as they got hammered into his heart. Although he didn’t have the feelings that he held towards his other women to Cai Yan, Yang Chen knew that this daring lady left a unforgettable impression to him, regardless if he liked her or not.
Cai Yan saw that Yang Chen still didn’t answer her. Contempt appeared in her eyes. Smiling, she said, “Do you possibly think that I’d develop feelings to a man who sees more value in a two-thousand-dollar bag than me? Do you really think I’d constantly think about him in an entire day, a week, or a month?!”
Yang Chen knew that he couldn’t avoid much. Cai Yan’s confession made him feel disdainful towards himself, but he definitely couldn’t say he loved her, it’d even be tough for him to say that he liked her. The relationship between him and her was merely limited within friendship, not to mention she was Lin Ruoxi’s close friend. Even if he wanted to divorce Lin Ruoxi, there was still no reason for him to get involved with her close friend.
After calming his emotions, Yang Chen said solemnly, “Cai Yan, I really don’t know what to do for the feelings you have for me, but you should know that I’m already married. Ruoxi is your good friend, it’s impossible for us to work out.”
“You guys are only married on the surface, bound by a contract, aren’t you?” Cai Yan asked directly.
Yang Chen’s scalp quickly went numb as his heart jumped violently. He didn’t expect that Cai Yan would know about him and Lin Ruoxi no matter what.
“Do you feel very surprised? She told me these because you didn’t return home at night after arguing with her. Actually, even if she didn’t tell me, I’ve never believed that you two got married out of true love. Ruoxi isn’t that kind of woman who would suddenly get married. She’s more calm than everyone else, it’s impossible that she got married out of nowhere,” Cai Yan said. “Now, do you still want to use Ruoxi as an excuse to reject me?”
Yang Chen smiled bitterly. “I really didn’t expect you to know about this, but I still can’t accept you even if Ruoxi and I aren’t truly married. Doing this would be unfair to both you and her. If I hadn’t married Ruoxi back then, if the first time we met wasn’t in the police station, then the outcome may have come out differently. However, now… I really can’t accept your feelings. I don’t want to trick you, and don’t want to trick myself as well.”
Cai Yan tried her best to resist from tearing. Turning her head around, she smiled in grievance, saying, “If… if… if…
“The word ‘if’ is what I hate the most in the world. Everything took place already, isn’t it useless to say that word? But after meeting you, especially the day you saved my life in the building, I’ve always been thinking of this term.
“‘If’ I had the chance to be the first one to know you, ‘if’ you met me first, ‘if’ I didn’t stupidly think that you were a bad guy, ‘if’ you didn’t get married with Ruoxi…
“‘If’ I was given an opportunity to start over, I definitely wouldn’t waste every single second of being together with you. This is what I think, if your marriage is just a deal and a piece of paper, am I still considered too late? ‘If’ you can, can you also give me a chance?”
After listening to Cai Yan’s sleep-talking-like words, Yang Chen suddenly realized that he had neglected too many things on this woman, but so what is this was the case? Stuff like feelings wouldn’t come true just because one wanted it to. It couldn’t be stopped if it wanted to come, and couldn’t be found when it didn’t want to come.
Smiling apologetically, Yang Chen said, “I’m sorry, this isn’t the matter of chance. We could be good friends, but… I’ve never had the thought of making you my woman. This doesn’t mean you’re inferior to the women around me, it’s just that I can’t force myself to develop that kind of feelings, so I really can’t promise you anything.”
“If that’s the case, why did you save me recklessly in the building while you’re facing so many people and bullets?” Cai Yan asked as she was unwilling to give up.
Yang Chen shook his head. “I wasn’t reckless. I only saved you because you’re Ruoxi’s friend, and also a good police woman. To me, the bullets aren’t dangerous at all.”
“You’re lying to me. You must be hating me. You hate me because I used to treat you so badly, don’t you?” Cai Yan’s voice became rather shaky.
“I didn’t lie to you, and I also don’t hate you. It is true that I saved you, but this can’t represent anything. I’ve rescued many people and killed countless as well. This is the most common thing to me.” Yang Chen couldn’t hold it anymore. He said, “You can actually pick a much better man. A fellow like me who can never be faithful doesn’t deserve your tears.”
Cai Yan laughed for a while. It was unknown who she was laughing at. “It seems like I’ve misunderstood the situation. You may leave now.”
As soon as she finished speaking, Cai Yan picked up her bowl and chopsticks before starting to eat.
Yang Chen didn’t leave. He frowned as he worriedly looked at Cai Yan.
Cai Yan wiped her tears and raised her head before revealing a bright smile. “Do you think I’m a sixteen-year-old teenager? Just because I got rejected by a man, I’ll do stupid things like jumping out of the building or cutting my wrist? Leave, I hate to see you now.”
Yang Chen knew that Cai Yan must be detesting him in her heart now, but nothing came out of his mouth when he tried to console her. Rejecting a love confession was indeed very difficult. Yang Chen couldn’t imagined, Will I be able to reject someone when it comes to a woman who loves me, who is also a woman I love?
Yang Chen stood up and left the restaurant as he brought his heavy mood.
Cai Yan put down her bowl and chopsticks the moment Yang Chen’s figure stepped out of the restaurant’s door. She lay her head on the table and her shoulders shivered as she started to cry in silence.