After planning on taking Jo back to my place for sex once the cotillion was over, I had failed miserably when the time actually came. I couldn’t stand to touch her. Kissing her had been bad. It lacked more than I could possibly label. She had felt wrong in my arms. She hadn’t fit right. Her curves didn’t send my heart into a wild frenzy, and the idea of getting her underneath me did nothing for me.
I had taken her home and gone back to my apartment to drink myself to sleep. Jo called the next day and the next. By kissing her, I had led her to believe I was attracted to her. How the hell she thought that after the kiss we shared, I wasn’t sure. Had she not been there for that kiss? It had been bland and boring. I focused on ignoring her at school and sending her calls to voice mail, but she wasn’t giving up that easily.
Two weeks later Winston was standing outside the door to my apartment when I got home from class. Winston was one of Jax’s bodyguards and had been with Jax since the beginning of his fame. I didn’t even look at him when I went to the door. “Good afternoon, Mr. Jason,” Winston said politely. It wasn’t his fault my brother was in there, nor was it his fault my brother paid for the apartment. I nodded. “Hello, Winston,” I replied, and stepped inside.
Jax was standing at the tall windows overlooking the small city with a soda in his hand. He turned to look at me and smirked. “You aren’t answering my calls. What did you expect?” he said.
I threw my books on the table. “I don’t know, maybe some fucking privacy,” I replied, annoyed.
Jax let out a low whistle. “Your language has taken a downward spiral.”
My brother’s witty comments were only making me more pissed off that he was here without asking.
“I’m not in the mood to talk. To anyone,” I snapped.
Jax nodded and walked over to sit on the bar stool closest to him. “Is it Mother? I heard her basically planning your wedding to Jo.”
“She can forget that shit. Jo needs to sniff elsewhere.”
“You took her to the cotillion,” Jax said as he studied me for a reaction. I knew what he was doing. He had always tried to figure me out by reading my facial expressions. Most of the time he was accurate.
“Meant nothing. I did what I said I’d do, and now I’m done.”
“You end it with Jess?” he asked, and I felt my entire body tense up at the sound of her name. I hadn’t said it or heard it in three weeks. And I wasn’t ready to hear it now.
“Don’t,” I said, walking away from him and across the room in case I started throwing things. She was already alive in my dreams at night. Haunting me. Driving me crazy. I didn’t want to acknowledge her existence while I was awake.
“Don’t what? Ask you about Jess?”
I fisted my hands at my sides and glared at the wall in front of me. He was trying to push my buttons. No reason to react. If he thought he’d gotten to me, he would chant her name until I lost it.
“That’s over,” I snarled.
“She end it?”
He wasn’t going to let up.
“For once in your goddamn life, don’t push me. Let this go.”
He didn’t reply, and I stood there prepared for him to say more. When he didn’t, I forced my hands to open and relax. This reaction was ridiculous. I had to get control of this.
I heard Jax stand up and I turned to look at him. He put his glass on the counter, then met my glare and nodded. “I’ll leave you to your brooding since it seems to be your thing. I got the answer I came for.”
I didn’t reply as he walked across the room and opened the door. He was really just going to leave. I started to say bye, but after that encounter it seemed empty.
Jax stopped and looked back at me. “You’ve never been hungry. The decisions you’ve had to make in your life haven’t meant life or death. And you’ve never had to give up something because you had no other choice. Being my brother hasn’t been easy. I get that. Having our mother obsess over your future sucks. But you haven’t known real fear. It’s been easy for you just like it has for me. When someone loves us enough, they’ll lie to protect us. Don’t forget that,” he said before closing the door.
I stood there and let his words replay in my head. Did he think I didn’t realize I had been given an easy ride in life? Was that his attempt at brotherly wisdom? I didn’t need him telling me my problems were nothing compared to the rest of the world’s. And why the hell was he talking about lying to protect someone you love? Who was lying? Him? Mother? Me? I shook my head and jerked the fridge door open, then closed it again.
I was restless. Jax’s words were going to eat at me. He had meant something by them. Jax didn’t just say shit like that for no reason. I picked up my phone and started to call Sadie. She was the only person in his head. She’d know what he was talking about. But then she’d tell him I’d called.
I scrolled through the names in my phone and my finger hovered over Amanda’s name. She’d know about Jess.
No!
I wasn’t going to ask about Jess. Hearing about her relationship with Krit was more than I could handle. My heart wasn’t anywhere near being ready for that yet. I tossed my phone down and headed for the shower.
Chapter Twenty-Six
JESS
This was the third time this week that Krit had shown up during my shift, causing problems. He had literally dragged me away from one man I was doing a lap dance for while wrapping me up in his jacket. He had cursed a blue streak.
I had begged Delilah to let me handle him and not have him thrown out. She had understood when she found out he was a family friend who was having a hard time dealing with my new job. She had just warned me that it had better not happen again.
So now Krit was coming and paying for all my available times for lap dances and taking me to the back, where he continued to tell me he’d marry me and he could take care of my momma’s medical bills. When that hadn’t worked, he had pleaded with me to get Medicaid. I had explained that the care Momma would receive wasn’t sufficient. Medicaid didn’t cover everything she needed, and the medical bills would start piling up soon.. I had to strip for several years to pay it off as it stood right now.
Once my shift was finally over, Krit walked me out and to my truck. “I can’t fucking stand this anymore, love. You’re gonna have to stop. I’m gonna get motherfucking arrested the next time I have to hear one of those horny fuckers talk about your tits and the things they want to do to you.”
I liked to pretend those men weren’t there and they didn’t talk about me or think about me. Hearing Krit tell me only made me feel dirty. My skin was sensitive from my rubbing it raw when I scrubbed myself each night. Even though no one touched me, I could feel their eyes on me. It made me feel cheap and worthless. But I had paid all our bills and I had put down enough on Momma’s surgery cost that they were scheduling it now.
“Krit, please. Just stop coming. I wish Rock had never told you. He knows why I’m doing this. He knows I have no other option. You knowing is only making it hard on me. You can come every damn night I work, but I can’t stop. I need this money. So just, please, let it go.”
Krit kicked my wheel and swore, then let out an angry yell. “This is bullshit! Where’s that pretty boy at now? Huh? With all his fucking money? He wanted you, but he ran like hell when things got tough.” He pointed at himself. “I’m not running! Someone has got to give a damn, Jess. Someone has got to fucking give a damn, or you’re gonna lose yourself.”
I had already lost myself. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I felt tainted. Knowing my momma had lived my entire life like this broke my heart even more. She had done it for me. This awful, disgusting feeling she had lived with for me. The jaded woman she had become made sense. Men couldn’t touch her emotionally because she had cut them off. I understood that now. You had to do it to survive. If you let yourself focus on how they viewed you, it was too hard.
“This is my choice. I made it and I’ll live with it. I won’t let my momma die! Do you hear me?” I screamed, unable to control my emotions. “I won’t let her die! So back the fuck off. I just need you to back off.” I jerked the truck door open and climbed inside. I didn’t look at Krit as I backed out of the parking lot. I made sure I was far enough away before I let the first tear fall.
Our apartment complex wasn’t in the best area of town, but it was cheap. That was what mattered right now. Momma had a gun, and I was pretty damn sure I could use it if I needed to. I reached for my can of Mace as I opened the truck door and kept my finger on the trigger as I jogged up the stairs and to the door that belonged to us. Checking to make sure I was alone, I unlocked the door and hurried inside, then went back to locking the three locks that afforded us some security.
Once I was sure we were safe, I went quietly to the bathroom to get cleaned. Momma was always asleep when I got home, so when I walked inside with my mascara running down my face each night she didn’t have to see it.
Turning the water on as hot as it would go, I stripped down and stepped into the small shower, letting the water wash me clean. Closing my eyes, I imagined the dirty that clung to me going down the drain with the water. It was the only way I could cope.
I stayed under the water, soaping myself over and over again, until the water ran cold. The iciness sometimes wasn’t enough to send me away. There was a numbness that came with the freezing-cold water. Tonight I didn’t stay for that part. I was exhausted mentally and physically. Delilah had mentioned that I had dark circles under my eyes tonight, and then she’d done some makeup magic.
My toes throbbed from the heels we had to wear all night, and I cringed as I walked quietly to the bedroom and crawled into bed. Momma was softly snoring beside me. We hadn’t gotten a two-bedroom because this saved us money and because the house we had rented before also came with one of the beds we used—it wasn’t ours. Only my bed belonged to us. We hadn’t bought another bed when we could both sleep in this one. And once Momma was dealing with the chemo treatments, she would need me close to her at night.
I pulled the covers up to my chin and closed my eyes. It was my favorite part of the day. I could escape and dream now about things out of my reach.
JASON
I needed closure. That had to be it. I couldn’t move the fuck on. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and I couldn’t stop being so damn angry at everyone. I yelled at most people brave enough to talk to me.
Her truck hadn’t been outside her house. No one’s car had been there. The place had looked empty. I hadn’t gotten out but had instead told Kane to take me to Live Bay. If she wasn’t here, someone would be here who knew how I could find her. Before I’d left, I’d called her, but her cell was disconnected. Dwelling on why her number would be disconnected got me so worked up I couldn’t focus on the real reason I was here. To end this with her. I needed to see her and tell her exactly what I thought of her, and then I could walk away.