“Anyway, Cassie and I started dating in high school. I was resistant at first because I knew how Aidan felt about her, but a part of me was smug to finally be getting the girl. Aidan had the personality that usually drew people in and my more serious nature wasn’t as attractive. So, despite the fact I knew it was an asshole thing to do, Cassie and I became a couple. We dated through high school and into college.”
“Wow, that’s a long time,” Lia adds when I pause for a moment. “You must have really loved her.” I notice the hint of vulnerability in her voice that she is unable to hide.
“It was a long time, Lia, but we shouldn’t have been together for many of those years.” Running an unsteady hand through my hair I say, “Cassie was extremely emotional and oftentimes erratic. She was that way from the moment I met her, and as she got older, it became worse. She could go from sweet and loving, to mean and diabolical. I found out in high school that she had been taking medication for bipolar on and off for years. I believe her father tried to ensure she took the medication, but at times she wouldn’t, and the results were readily noticeable. When we were in college, Cassie became pregnant. She freaked out and wanted to have an abortion, but I was able to talk her out of it. She had to stop taking her medication, which sent her into a tailspin. After that, I learned to fear which personality I would see each day.”
“And were you and Aidan still friends during this time?” Lia asks, sounding curious.
“Yes, we all lived together in an apartment near the campus. I know it couldn’t have been easy for him to be that close to us knowing how he felt about her, but he didn’t let it show. He dated many different girls and stayed gone a good bit. I think he would have moved out, but he couldn’t bring himself to cut Cassie completely off, and I believe she gave him just enough encouragement while I wasn’t around to give him hope.”
“But I don’t understand why you stayed with her for that long if things were that bad at times.” Lia looks genuinely perplexed and I brace myself as I begin to reveal the ugliness that became such a large part of Cassie.
“I tried to break if off with her numerous times. At first, she would cry and beg me to stay. She’d promise to do better and I’d let it go because I didn’t know what else to do. After a couple of years, when the tears were no longer working, she began to threaten to kill herself.”
“Oh God,” Lia gasps.
I pull her onto my lap, knowing we both need the closeness. “I was a nervous wreck when she made that threat for the first time. I backed away from breaking up with her and we stayed together. By that time, I knew she was unhinged enough to do exactly as she said if she was pushed far enough. Things would return to some level ground for a while and I’d relax. This cycle repeated for so long…until she found out that she was pregnant. Things got bad after the first few months of no medication. I tried to keep her calm, but that became next to impossible. She was paranoid and delusional. By this time, she had completely stopped going to any classes and when I would get home in the afternoon, she would meet me at the door in either hysterical tears or irrational anger. Of the two, I still don’t know which was worse.”
Lia pulls away long enough to hand me the rest of my drink and I down it in one swallow. My hand is shaking as I put the crystal glass back on the table. “Luc, we can take a break if you need to,” she offers. “I know this is hard and I’m sorry for putting you through it. If I could let it go, I would. We need this though.”
I curl myself back around her and say, “I know, baby. I’m okay.” Clearing the lump from my throat, I ease back into the story. “She was five months pregnant at that time and we had found out it was a boy. I was excited and for all of a couple of days, she seemed to be as well. Then the ugliness returned. She told me that she was going to have an abortion. She didn’t want to be a mother and I couldn’t force her to do it. I tried to tell her that she was too far along for that. I promised to take care of the baby when he was born. I assured her that she wouldn’t have to do anything if she didn’t want to, but it didn’t help. She hated the weight she had gained even though she was actually underweight for where she was in the pregnancy. She said she felt ugly, fat, and unattractive. I tried to assure her that she was beautiful, but she couldn’t see past the person she thought she was in her head. She became paranoid that I was seeing someone behind her back, which I wasn’t. Our fights had escalated to violence as she slapped and punched me in anger. I never did anything other than try to shield myself while I left the room.”
“Did Aidan see any of this?” Lia asks in a shaky voice. I know that if I tilt her head up, I’ll see tears in her eyes. My emotions are too close to the surface to risk looking. It wouldn’t take much for me to break down.
“Not that I remember, but she tried to be careful about that. I think she liked the fact that Aidan thought she was someone other than who she was. She led us to believe that her father wasn’t good to her…was maybe even abusive, although I never saw any physical signs of it. I believe now that maybe he just didn’t know how to deal with her either.”
“What was his reaction to her pregnancy?”
“You know,” I begin, thinking back, “I never really heard from him about the baby. Cassie said he was fine, but he and I never discussed it. I only met him a handful of times and he seemed normal. It was obvious, though, that they didn’t have a close relationship. He took off years ago and I have no idea where he is now.”