Take it easy, I told myself. Maybe he just realized he should have used a condom and is freaking out.
I couldn’t blame him for that. I hoped that was it. That was a pretty stupid move on both our behalves.
I hoped off the counter, my legs feeling like jelly, my breath and heart rate still erratic. I eyed the mess on the counter and contemplated leaving it there for Jenn to clean up. But that would be too mean and too trashy. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped it off, throwing the rest in the garbage.
Then I gathered up my shoes and my dress and hightailed it, naked, to the den just in case Jenn decided to come home early from her shenanigans.
It wasn’t till I entered the room and shut the door behind me, that I realized the magnitude of what just happened.
I just had sex with Dex.
I wouldn’t have believed it had it not been for the leftover throbbing between my legs, the funny way I walked, the wetness as it ran down me, the bruises he left on my neck from his overzealous sucking. The way his eyes looked as we had made love.
The way his eyes looked afterward.
I rubbed my face anxiously and looked around the den. I needed something to distract me before he came out. I didn’t want to think too much into anything, not before I got a chance to talk to him.
I slipped on my pajama pants and shirt and decided to pack my bag, just in case Jenn came home and they had their long overdue massive blowout and I was suddenly sent home due to awkwardness.
I didn’t have much to pack in the end and was done in a few minutes. I thought I heard the bathroom door open so I waited a few minutes, opened the door to the apartment and looked out. Dex was sitting on the couch in his pajama pants, his back to me and his head in his hands.
I cautiously stepped out and made my way over to him. I stopped by his side, feeling uneasy and self-conscious.
“Are you OK?” I asked softly, looking down at him.
He didn’t answer me. He just kept his focus on the carpet. I noticed that Fat Rabbit had trotted out of the room and was sniffing around the front door.
I placed my hand on his shoulder. He jumped at my touch. This wasn’t good.
“Dex,” I said. I kept my hand there and crouched down beside him. “Talk to me.”
There was still no answer. Now I was really starting to worry.
I reached up with my hand and grasped his wrist. I tried to pull it off his head but he resisted.
“Dex, please,” I said loud enough that Fat Rabbit stopped his sniffing and slowly sulked over to us.
Finally he looked at me. His eyes were red like he had been crying. They were also angry.
“What is it?” I asked, leaning forward and searching them. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” he said. “And I hope you remember it that way.”
I was taken aback. My heart lurched uncomfortably. My nerves began to sizzle in the worst way. I couldn’t think the worst, though. I took in a deep breath.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked carefully.
He whipped his wrist out of my grasp and looked at the blank TV. “What do you think I mean?”
I straightened up and crossed my arms uneasily. “Dex, just tell me what you’re talking about. You owe me that much.”
He chuckled. It was mean. “I don’t owe you anything, Perry.”
Now I really was starting to freak out. “Dex, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?”
“Why are you acting like this?” he countered, waving at me. “All in my face and bugging me every fucking second.”
“Bugging you?” I repeated. “We just had sex and now you’re freaking out about it like –”
“I’m not freaking out about it,” he shot back.
“Well then what the hell is this?” I shouted. “Cuz we were all fine an hour ago before this happened.”
“I knew this was a mistake,” he muttered into his hands. “This changed everything.”
I could barely speak. I felt like he had stabbed me with an ice pick. I wanted to throw up right on him. I brought my hand to my mouth, fearing it might happen. The tears rushed to my eyes but I didn’t let them flow.
“This wasn’t a mistake…” I said, trying hard not to sob the words out. “How…how could you say that?”
“You’re just reading too much into this,” he sniped. “Typical.”
Another blow, this one chipping away at my pride. My other hand flew to my chest. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest in slow increments. I was breathless, thoughtless. I waved around for something to lean on and found the corner of the couch.
I stared down at Dex as sparks came in and out of the corner of my vision. That was usually a sign that I was going to faint. He looked up at me, a wave of concern passing over him briefly. Maybe it was regret. It didn’t matter. What he said was what he said. And it was killing me inside.
I leaned against the couch, trying to get oxygen, trying to prevent my face from crumbling hopelessly.
Eventually I heard him say, “Perry?”
I looked at him in disbelief. “What was this to you, Dex? A rebound? An itch you had to get out of your system? Another notch to add to your bedpost? Another person to screw around and fuck with? Mentally and physically!?”
He frowned and blinked a few times. He was unable to say anything.
“OK, then,” I said, my voice shaking. “Guess it was all of the above. Glad I finally know how you really feel.”
I turned and hurried off to the den. All I wanted to do was throw myself on the bed and cry my eyes out, but I had promised myself I would get out of the city without shedding a single tear. I shoved my boots on my feet, not caring that was only wearing pajamas, and put my jacket on top of my shirt. I hoisted the duffel bag and purse on my shoulders and marched out of the den toward the front door.
“Where are you going?” Dex cried out, getting to his feet and coming after me. He grabbed my arm and I wriggled free. Then I took my hands and pushed him hard against his chest so that he stumbled backward.
“You made your point, Dex,” I spat out at him viciously. “You’ve now been very clear.”
“Perry, wait,” he said quickly, his voice uneasy, and rushed back to me. “You can’t leave now. It’s snowing, you’re in your pajamas…”
“I am leaving. And I’m not coming back. Rebecca was right about you. You’re nothing but a scared little boy!”
I turned and made my way to the door, feeling the build-up of emotion rifling through my body, feeling like I was on the verge of total emotional and physical destruction. It was all too much. Too much.
He grabbed me again, putting both his hands around my waist and pulling me up to him. His eyes were crazy, flying everywhere, the eyes of an utter madman.
“Why do you care so much?” he demanded, his grip tightening. His voice rose higher and cracked. “You told me you didn’t love me!”
He shouted that last bit in absolute desperation.
I fought him off and stumbled backward into the door. I faced him and yelled, “You’re not the only who knows how to lie, Dex!”
His face sank. It was the face of utter and total regret. A face of shame. And a face of supreme agony. He let go of me, dumbfounded.
I took the opportunity to open the door. I paused in the doorway and took the anchor bracelet off my wrist. I ripped it in half in front of his eyes and then threw it at his feet.
“You’re not my anchor! You never were. You’re nothing to me! Go find some other love-struck, spineless girl to host your stupid show!”
I stepped out in the hallway and gave him one final, vile glare.
“I quit!” I yelled at him, fully venomous and fully meaning it. I was done.
Forever.
Then I pulled the door shut. Only then did Dex make a move to stop me, a choked cry escaping from his lips. But it was too late. I ran down the hall and scampered down the stairs all the way to the parking garage.
I knew it was stupid and foolish to ride my motorbike in the snow, especially after a few drinks, but maybe I could find a cheap hotel on the outskirts of town. That plan kept me going, kept my brain occupied and kept my emotions from ruining me before I could escape.
In the cold garage, I frantically strapped my bag to the bike, mounted it and roared out onto the street. The wheels slipped a bit on the snow but the traction held. The snowfall had stopped, thankfully, and I was able to see clearly through my helmet as I made my way through the downtown area and onto the I-5.
It wasn’t till I was outside of the city limits that my vision began to blur. There were too many tears running down my face.