I filled the plates up with our burgers and fries, all the while I idly watched her wiping away the waterfall of tears. Her body was tense and unmoving. Probably still absorbing the change in her decision. I went to her and handed her a plate. Then I walked to the balcony door and stared out into the dark sky, barely touching my food. I should have been eating, but my mind was too distracted.
I was all kinds of fucked up. My brain felt like a box of scattered puzzle pieces. One minute I was congratulating myself for talking her out of the abortion, and the next I was wondering what kind of help I could possibly offer her. I didn’t know a damn thing about pregnancy or babies. Hell, I was hardly making it by now on my wage as a low level mechanic at a small car shop.
I pissed away my school years by taking nothing seriously. Didn’t help my dyslexia made learning double what it took an average kid. I was paying for it now, but I never could have foreseen this.
I turned my head to look at her. My lips curved up at the sight of her stuffing the food down her throat like she’d been hungry for days. And just that thought alone wiped that smile off my face.
Pregnant. She was hungry because she had a living thing growing inside of her.
Fuck, the girl was tiny. It was next to impossible imagining her with a giant, round belly. She was so young, but you couldn’t really see it in those fierce blue eyes. She’d always been ahead of her years. She’d lived through a life of chaos: a father that inexplicably took his life away, a religious mother that had given her a hard time, and Ryker’s sentencing after the stupid ass got busted for selling a shitload of crack in an alleyway not too far from here.
And now this.
Fuck.
Immediately I sensed I was entering a territory that was out of my depth, and I suddenly wished Ryker hadn’t gone to prison, hadn’t left me alone to pick up the broken pieces in his girlfriend’s life. This was their problem, not mine!
The selfish thoughts ran rampant through me, seeking ways to jump ship from this mess and continue living my bland life. But then her eyes met mine, and the desperation in her face stopped them cold in their tracks, reminding me of my promise to Ryker and the certainty I felt behind my words when I said I’d look out for her.
In some fucked up way this was my fault. I didn’t even know the details and I was already blaming myself. I should have kept a careful eye on Ryker and Allie. I should have made sure Ryker knew what he was doing having sex with a girl two years younger than him and what it might mean for her if he wasn’t careful every damn time. I should have told him the consequences and just how far it could push away someone as pure and good as Allie, because you knew from a mile away she was special. Instead, I got caught up in my own bullshit, my own sob story, and my own struggles.
I failed them.
No. I failed her.
Had I been a better brother I’d have made Ryker into a responsible, good man. Not one that randomly decided he wanted to commit crime to live the better life while deceiving us with lies that he wasn’t. To be fair, he hadn’t always been like that. Ryker had been on the straight and narrow before he got involved in the wrong crowd some years ago, dragging Allie with him through the mud. Why she stuck around him for so long, I couldn’t understand. Sticking out like a sore thumb, she had never integrated within his crowd. Even now she looked nothing like the girls in Hedley. She was always in loose clothes, walking the streets during the day with giant headphones on, her heavy backpack sagging to her bum, and a baseball cap on. It was like she yearned to be invisible to everyone but Ryker.
But I saw her.
I’d always seen Allie Wallace, the quiet little soul that sat in the far back of every social situation, clutching her textbooks to her chest, or staring starry-eyed at my little brother. And Ryker was equally as smitten. They seemed to complement each other well, always disappearing into their own little zone when they were around each other. I often envied their closeness, wondering how it felt to be so compatible with another person.
Still. The dickhead pissed it all away. Threw his beautifully odd girlfriend out the window along with his freedom. He knew the fucking risks. He knew the town was getting hot with tension at the level of crime that’d risen the last year with the hard-core gangs taking over the streets. He knew and chose to continue hanging with the wrong people and selling drugs to boot, and as much as I hated to say it, he deserved to be rotting in jail. He needed it, and maybe he’d get out and straighten himself up once and for all.
“I’m going to pay Ryker a visit soon,” I said, breaking the silence.
Her eyes widened. “You’re going to tell him?”
“He deserves to know, Allie. Right?”
She thought about it for a second, and then she nodded miserably. “I know, but he’s not going to accept my decision.”
“That’s why I’m going to see him. I’m sure I can talk sense into him. You’re more than welcome to come along.” I didn’t know if she’d visited him yet. Since he got locked away a month ago after he’d pled guilty, I hadn’t crossed paths with Allie.
“No,” she said with a shake of her head. “I’m still angry at him after everything. I can’t do it. I won’t do it.”
She looked down at her plate, pushing aside her fries with one. I sensed that anger, and I was very curious about what was going on between them.
“You still with him?” I found myself asking.
She still wouldn’t look up at me, but her cheeks reddened. “I was angry at him after he got arrested. We had a fight and I… broke up with him.”
“For real kind of broken up? Or did you just do that out of anger?”
She squirmed. “I don’t know.”
“Does he know that?”
“He said to wait for him.”
“He must be out of his mind expecting you to wait around for five years.”
“He said if he’s on good behaviour, he might be out much sooner than that. He promised me he’d turn his life around.”
“And you believe him?”
“With his track record for lying, you think I’m stupid enough to believe him? Even after everything, he refuses to admit he was selling. So of course I don’t believe him, but sometimes prison changes people, so I have to think positively.”
I watched her carefully, trying to grasp her emotions for him after everything. “Still,” I muttered. “That’s a long ass wait, Al, change or no change.”