A tear escapes my eye, it kills me inside. "You have always been the girl who took my hand and trusted me to save her. The girl who saved my sister from a fate worse than any. The girl whose sadness matched my own. The girl whose face has haunted me my entire life. You saw Emalyn's eyes, well I saw yours. You are the bravest girl I have ever known."
She isn’t running, hitting, or screaming. Maybe Stuart was right. I walk to her, slowly in case she freaks again, "I have thought of no one but you for fourteen years. I can't have a regular relationship. It isn’t you I'm punishing, it's me. I don’t deserve the kindness of love. I failed her and you. I should have fought harder and saved you both. I never should have left you. I'm so sorry. I never should have left you. You ended up there because of me."
She starts to cry and comes closer to me, taking my hands, "You saved me. You saved me from the dirty house and you saved me from being a waitress in a café the rest of my life." She touches one of my tears, "I see you."
It’s exactly the thing I need to hear.
I wrap around her and hold her so tight my muscles tremble. I try to hold back the tears, but I can't. I break and lose my control. The sobs rip from me as she holds me, comforting me. It feels like I have finally finished this. I shake my head and wipe my face.
She stands there, frozen in a great, huge, what's-next moment. I don’t know what to do. I've put it all out there. All of it. It's just a big mess sitting in front of her, waiting for her to decide. I mutter, "I'm sorry. I just panicked. I don’t know what to do without you. I don’t know what I am without you."
Her words surprise and kill me inside, "We can't be two broken things and have a relationship." She kisses me but still doesn’t say anything I want to hear, "I don’t want anyone but you. But at the same time, I don’t want to be the china doll you glued back together. I don’t want to look whole from a distance, but when you get close enough, you can see all the cracks."
I try not to panic and scare her, "The cracks make us who we are."
She shakes her head, "We can be better than this. But it feels like we need to be better for ourselves. I need to be better for me and you need to be better for you. If you can't love you and I can't love me, then we will never truly love each other."
"You don’t want to be with me?"
She kisses me again, but I don’t understand, "I do. But not like this. I don’t want to need you to make me whole. My whole life I've wanted normal. I don’t care about that anymore. Shell is right, there is no normal. But with us there is a danger that we will let this consume us. We won't ever get better if we don't let go of each other and find ourselves."
When did she get so brave? I shake my head, "You're so much stronger than I am. I can't do this without you."
She grins, "You need like a year with some hard-ass nuns and you'll feel better. Trust me."
I laugh, "I need you."
"I need you too. When we don’t need each other anymore and just want each other, we can try again."
She is going to run again and leave me and I can't do it. I'm not like her. I grip her tightly, "I can't be without you."
She ignores my fears and snuggles into me, "Yes, you can. You just have to trust me. If you trust me to take care of myself, you'll see."
"What if I lose you again?"
She just stays there, so calm and sweet, "You found me once, you'll find me again. It doesn’t feel like it right now, but this is me choosing you."
The white noise fills me up and she can't take it away for me, not this time, "You're right, it doesn’t feel like it now."
Chapter Twenty-Four
Easter 2013
Stuart gives me a crazy look, "A year in South America? You think your rich, white ass is gonna make it through that shit?"
I push the rest of the clothes in the bag and smile. "No. I don’t think that. I just see something about myself that I don’t like. The last month of us being together and not together has been hard. She is getting better and I am staying the same. The other night I was sitting in the hallway to her dorm, eating Chinese food from a carton and I realized there is no life without her. I've spent every minute of my life trying to find her, trying to save her, trying to fix her, and trying to protect her. What is there to love about me, man? I'm not a person. I'm a job. I've made her a job and obsessed about it."
He sighs, "Yeah, but that loyalty and that passion is something people love about you."
I shake my head, "I don’t even know my parents; we don’t talk. We want to say a thousand things to each other and no one knows how to do it. They're snooty, rude, and weird but I love them and I don’t know how to tell them. They just see this broken kid who they accidentally called a liar and locked away for obsessing about a girl who wasn’t there. They aren’t ever going to get past it." I point towards the direction they live, "I don’t want to be like that. I want to be like her. I want to learn that my pile of shit is nothing compared to the piles of shit other people have. I want to be grateful."
Stuart looks at his watch, "Her play fight with Angelo is today, you coming?"
I smile, "No. I'll stop by and let her think I am, but I can't watch that. I'll kill him. I already kicked his ass once this month, we don’t need it to happen again."
Stuart moans, "Oh snap, did you beat him for sleeping with Michelle?"
I shove more things in the bag, not saying anything.
He winces, "We weren’t together. We were on a break and he didn’t even know I liked her."
I point at him, "We made a deal not to talk about Michelle. I hate her. I think you can do better. She is a shitty, selfish twenty-year old from hell. If she hurts you again, she may go missing, DUDE!"
He laughs, "Not even funny. You can't even say dude right." He grabs my bag and zips it up, "You’re going to a fucking swamp in the rain forest, you don’t need all these clothes. Let's go. I need to hurry over and watch this fight. Michelle is rubbing her whole body with oil to make it hard for his glove to connect."
I smile and walk behind him to the elevator.
"Did you tell your mom and dad that you're leaving?"
I nod once, "I went a couple weeks ago. I sat them both down and told them everything. It was horrible and painful and embarrassing."
He frowns, "By everything, you mean everything? Sex with Dr. Bradley, torture in a cell, everything?"
I nod.
He grimaces, "Why?"
I shrug, "I want us to try to be honest and open. The whole talking thing worked with Sarah. She heard me and I let her in. It was good."
"How did they take it?"
I laugh, "Not well. Dad called Jane over for a meeting. She came over from New York and met with them, expecting them to want to talk to her. Mom slapped her—never have I seen that before. Dad raged on her, threatened her with several lawsuits, and let her know he had called a favor in and had her put on a list of doctors who are watched countrywide and banned from setting up practice, or trying to get their licenses back. Then once she was sobbing and angry, Franklin had her removed from the house."
Stuart stays quiet for a second and then laughs hard, "No way did your mom slap a ho down!"
I laugh, "She did. It was a sight to see. My parents never believed in her practice; they only did it out of desperation and I never told them what happened to me there."
He wipes his eyes and nods, "I woulda given a nut to have seen that shit."
I shrug, "I think she pretty much has a mafia hit on her head. Of course, after they heard everything and dealt with her, they gave me the whole we are so proud of you and you are doing so well for someone like you."
Stuart winces, "Ouch."
I nod, "Yes."
He slaps me on the back, ”If it makes you feel better, I don’t think you're doing all that hot."
I snort, "Thanks, man."
I look back at the apartment as the elevator comes and feel like I'm missing things and forgetting stuff, but I get on the elevator and leave.
Stuart drags me inside of the packed gym. I watch as she comes down the carpet and climbs into the ring. She sees me and her face lights up. That is the last thing I want to remember about her. I turn and leave, getting a limo to pick me up.
I check in at the airport and pace. I don’t feel like I am making the right choice, but I know I need something like what she had. I need to leave my comfort zone and stop controlling everything in the world.
My phone buzzes, it's her. 'Where r u?'
I sigh, 'Please text like an adult. R U? Really?'
I hear feet slapping on the ground and look up to see her perfect ass go by me. I send her another message when she stops to message me, 'Look behind you.'
She turns and sees me standing there. She lights up even more and runs at me, leaping into my arms. I hold her and kiss her and savor every second of it.
"Where are you going?" she asks.
"To live with some mean-ass nuns for a while."
I think she laughs and then cries, "A year?"
I kiss her forehead, "You said it was what I needed. I don’t think it'll be a year. A few months though. I can't take too long from work."
"I didn’t think you'd take me seriously." She sounds pissed.
I shrug, "I take everything you say seriously. Well, when you speak like an adult."
"Are you calling my bluff? I don’t want you to go. I want to come or you to stay."
I laugh again, "Sarah, I need this. I need to see with the perspective you have. There are people who have it worse and I need to be grateful for what I have. You were right. My environment wasn't a great way to grow up after everything else."
"Where are you going?"