Ohhhh, this could be fun.
I step around her and pluck another book out. I skim it with mock interest then drop it purposely onto the wrong shelf.
Annie makes a noise in her throat that I pretend not to notice as I run my fingers over her small DVD collection. She might be anal, but Annie has a pretty nice array of movies. And they’re all in alphabetical order. I wiggle Easy A out, glance over the case, and then slip it in between Wall-E and Zombieland.
And then I lie back on her bed and watch as she fixes what I messed up.
“Don’t touch anything else,” she commands. “And get your shoes off my bed.” She slaps my feet and I let them fall to the floor as I grin at her.
“So what do you want to do?” I ask, slipping my hands behind my head so I can see her better.
“I want to change my clothes.”
I toe off each shoe and prop my feet on the bed post, crossed at the ankles. “Oh, go for it,” I encourage with a smirk. “I don’t mind.”
Annie laughs and my smile turns into the real thing. I like seeing her happy, even if it’s only fleeting. “I bet you don’t mind one bit, but I’ll just get dressed in the bathroom.”
“I’ll close my eyes.” I make a show of placing my hands over my eyelids. I feel like I’m ten again, playing Hide and Seek. I always peeked back then. I’m not sure I’ve matured much.
“Yeah, I’m good,” she says as she pries my hands from my face. “Don’t do anything while I’m gone.”
My brows crinkle and I let out an insulted huff. “What do you think I’m going to do? Steal your panties? Find your sex toys? Or…maybe I’ll reorganize.”
“Stay out of my panty drawer,” she hisses as she rips a shirt off the hanger in her closet. “I don’t have sex toys, so don’t go searching for any. And if you try to reorganize my stuff, I’ll murder you.” She pauses at the door, glancing at me over her shoulder. “In fact, just…don’t touch anything.”
I bite my lip, holding back a satisfied laugh. “Yes, ma’am.”
Annie rolls her eyes and disappears out the door. I jump up and start looking for sex toys—obviously—but I’m quickly disappointed when a thorough examination of the nightstand turns up nothing more than hand sanitizer, a bottle of lotion, some chick magazines, and random pens that she stole from every bank, grocery store, and gym in town.
I just close the drawer when she comes back in. Her eyes narrow on me and I hold up my hands in defense. “Don’t get all crazy-eyed with me. I’m not the klepto.” I slide the drawer back open and pull out a handful of pens as evidence.
“I didn’t steal those.” Annie tosses her dirty clothes into the hamper. All except the shirt. She puts that into a plastic shopping bag then shoves it into the trash. “They expect people to take those. That’s why they put their logo on them. It’s advertisement.”
“I’m sure the people at…” I choose a random pen from my hand and hold it out. “At Huntington Bank put this pen out on the counter for you to take home and keep hidden in your nightstand.”
“That’s my favorite pen,” she says seriously. “It writes better than any other pen I’ve ever used.”
“Are you joking?” I really can’t tell.
“Not at all.” She sits down on the bed and takes the pens from my hand. “And this one—it writes purple.” She waves one in front of me, but I can’t read where it’s from.
I cannot believe I thought she might have sex toys. Her dirtiest secret is an odd obsession with stolen pens. I chuckle and settle in beside her. “You’re very disappointing, you know?”
I’m only kidding—I find Annie anything but disappointing—but she winces and drops her head as she sets the pens back into the drawer. “Yeah, I know.”
“Hey.” I touch her chin, meaning to raise her head, but she jumps back, her eyes wide, and I freeze. Every time she reacts to me like this, it makes me want to hurt Loden so badly I can almost taste it. Her cheeks turn pink, even through all the extra make-up. I act as if I don’t notice.
“You’re not a disappointment. I was joking.”
She nods and I sigh because it’s the weakest agreement I’ve ever seen.
“I’m serious. You’re pretty—more than pretty. You’re smart and funny as hell. And you’re the perfect mix of mean and nice. You don’t disappoint.” I reach for her again, slower this time. I lift her chin and meet her eyes. “Well, I was a little saddened when you wouldn’t let me watch you change, but I’ll get over it.”
Annie smiles then presses her lips together, trying to hide it. “The perfect mix of mean and nice?” She shakes her head lightly. “Is that even a real thing?”
“Absolutely. Smartass female with a heart of gold, that’s you.”
She laughs through her nose and leans back on the pillow. “My heart isn’t gold. Nowhere close. It is a rock though.”
“Is it?” I ask doubtfully. “The Annie I know wouldn’t let some dickhead with a temper take something like that away from her.”
“Maybe I’m not the same Annie,” she whispers. “But I want to be.” She sits back up, her eyes locking on mine with determination. “I don’t want to be like this anymore, Chase. I know I’m fucked up and bitchy. I need perfection—spend so much time searching and reaching for it. I just want to be happy with who I am. Whatever that is.”
She speaks with so much passion—fierce and desperate at the same time. It causes the hairs on my arms to rise and my pulse to race. She has no idea she’s flawless. By my definition, the girl is the epitome of perfection.
“You’re perfect, Annie. To me, you’re perfect.”
Something flickers in her eyes. A mixture of pain and happiness. Maybe more. Maybe I’m imagining the whole thing. But then she leans forward, not a lot, just enough that I notice the movement. Her gaze drops to my lips as she wets hers. Then she moves in again, inching her body closer to mine. I feel the warmth of her skin, her heat hovering right in front of me. My hands clench into fists because I want to pull her across the little remaining space. Annie’s chin lifts, shifting enough to bring her lips even with mine.
I don’t know if it makes me a good guy or a fucking lunatic, but after one long, agonizing beat, I pull back, and take her hand in mine. Standing up, I bring her with me and then I hug her. She’s so surprised by it all that she lets me.
“I want to know you’re okay,” I murmur into her hair. “When you’ve had more time—”
Annie jerks out of my arms, stepping back as far as she can go. “I need to study. Thanks for making sure I got home all right.”
I raise my eyebrows, watching her, but she doesn’t notice because she’s staring at the floor. I feel like the biggest asshole because I wanted to kiss her—I still do. I want to do a hell of a lot more than kiss her. I was just trying to do the right thing. I don’t want to take advantage of her when she’s been through so much shit lately. But now she’s acting like I was turning her down. The flames in her cheeks are proof that’s exactly what she thinks.
“Annie…”
“Just go. Please. I’m fine.”
“I—”
“Just fucking leave, Chase,” she yells as she shoves past me and drops into the desk chair. I watch her open her laptop, making it evident she’s ignoring me. Dismissing me.
I hesitate for a few more seconds, not sure what the hell I should do. Finally, I sigh and walk to the door. And then I turn, spin her chair around to face me, and kneel in front of her.
“I’m not putting up with your bullshit. Not about this. Not anymore.” Her eyes are wide, her knees shaking. I may have scared her, which wasn’t my intention, but I’m not backing down now. “I didn’t kiss you just then because I fucking care about you. I’ve cared about you for a long time. When I kiss you for the first time, it’s not going to be overpowered with grief and trepidation. And you aren’t going to jump when I touch you.” I bring my hand up, grazing it along her cheek. She trembles and I don’t know how to take that.
“You can be pissed at me all you want—I’m used to it—as long as you understand that I wanted to kiss you. That it’s a struggle, even right now, to keep myself from tasting you. Shit, Annie. It’s always been a struggle with you. But I want your lips healed. Your heart whole. And I want you to be sure I’m who you want. Because I’m not playing around here. I’m all in. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, and I’m at the point that I don’t really give a shit anymore. But I’m putting it out there so at least you understand how I feel.”
I push myself up, look at her for a second more, making sure every word I’ve wanted to say for so long, but never had the balls to express, has sunk in. She blinks, dumbfounded and I’m satisfied I’ve accomplished my goal. I spin on my heel and open the door.
“Don’t forget to call tonight,” I add. Then I leave before she can find some kind of valid argument that I don’t want to hear.
31
Alone Together
Annie
Overpowered with grief and trepidation.
It keeps running through my mind on repeat.
When I kiss you…
When.
Over and over I hear his voice in my head, strong, but gentle. Fierce, but soft. Chase was resolute. His decision unwavering. As if he had thought of these words before. As if he had this speech prepared for a long time now. Obviously not all of it—he didn’t know I’d have a split lip—but I wonder if he’d been feeling the confusion—the ache of the draw—all this time, the same as I have.
When I leaned in to kiss him, I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn’t thinking at all. I just wanted to touch him. Feel him against me. Soak up his comfort.
I know there’s an attraction between us. But “all in” is big. And scary.
The day passes like this. My mind reeling as I try desperately to make sense of my life. To start sorting through the chaotic mess it’s become. I pick at the bagel Chase got me and around nine when my stomach won’t stop growling at me angrily, I order pizza, which I eat every last bite of by myself.
By eleven, I’m debating making myself puke. For one thing, I feel disgusting—puking might occur all on its own. For another, gaining ten pounds over this breakup isn’t on my to-do list. And lastly, I’m so pissed at myself for putting something like greasy pizza into my body when I’ve been so careful to keep myself healthy.
A lot of good that did me.
In the end, I keep it all down, and decide this new version of me is going to let go every once in awhile and eat shit with no nutritional value. Just for the hell of it. Because even though I was regretting it after, I felt pretty damn satisfied while I devoured each slice of my pizza.
Next time I’ll refrain from shoving the whole thing down my throat though. I’m giving myself a pass today. I think I earned it.
Hannah gets back right when I’m summoning the energy to go wash my face. She has horrible timing. Of course she’d come home tonight. I guess I’ll be sleeping in my make-up another night, which I try really hard to not care about.
We don’t talk often, mostly because she’s never here, but I think that’s why we get along so well. I know I can be a lot to handle with my endless post-its, compulsive cleaning, and constant need for order. But Hannah seems to take it all in stride.
With a long, drawn out moan, she kicks her shoes off. One lands right in the middle of the room and I roll over so I don’t have to see it. Behind my closed eyes, I imagine Hannah picking her shoes up and placing them in the closet. I know she doesn’t do this—it wouldn’t even occur to her—but it makes me feel better.