She shrugged. “I don’t. I told you it was fun. Grey seemed . . . fine.”
“Yeah. First day back was rough for her, I think, but she’s doing a lot better overall.”
“I noticed,” Charlie mumbled so softly I almost didn’t catch what she said.
I pushed away from the counter and crossed my arms over my chest. “Okay, what’s going on? At graduation you couldn’t wait to see her, and now that you’ve hung out with her, you sound . . . I don’t know, disappointed or something. Did something happen today?”
“No, I’m just saying she seemed fine.” Her voice was still monotone, and one eyebrow was raised as she stared across the kitchen at nothing.
My head was spinning. I hated arguing with Charlie, and didn’t like that we’d just gotten into it again about the whole college thing. But the way she’d looked then was completely different from how she looked now. She looked exactly how she sounded and how I’d explained it to her. Disappointed. And I wasn’t sure if something had happened with her and Grey, or if Grey had broken down today. I hadn’t talked to Grey after, so it was possible—and the thought was making me anxious. I needed to be able to make sure Grey was okay, but I couldn’t do that when my sister was acting the way she was.
“Okay, I know something is wrong with you right now, just talk to me. Did something happen with Grey, yes or no?”
Charlie sat back in the bar stool, folding her arms over her chest to match my stance. “There’s nothing wrong, and nothing happened. It’s just what I said, Grey’s fine,” she reiterated, then whispered, “She’s just fine.”
I let my arms drop to my sides and my shoulders sag. “What am I missing? You brought up Grey, and you’re acting weird as shit about her, so I know something’s up!”
My sister studied me for long moments, not saying anything. Just before I asked again, she blurted out, “Grey’s moving on like nothing ever happened. She’s fine and I don’t know how she can just go on acting like Ben never—like he never meant anything to her.”
My mouth opened as all the air rushed out of my lungs. “What? That’s what all this has been about?” When she didn’t say anything, I asked, “Charlie, how can you say that? She—she lives with what happened every day. It killed her, but she’s getting stronger, she’s trying to continue living her life like Ben would want her to. I’m pr—” I cut off and groaned in aggravation, shaking my head as if trying to wrap my mind around what she was saying. “You should be proud of her. Does it bother you how I’m living? How I’m going on with my life?”
“No, Jagger, but that’s different!”
“How is it any f**king different, Charlie?” I yelled, and threw my arms out wide. “I watched my best friend die right in front of me! We’re all doing what we have to, we’re all doing what Ben would want us to. It’s been two—”
“She was going to marry him!” she snapped, and I took a step back. Charlie never reacted like this, but then again, I never usually yelled at her. “I just don’t understand how she could go on acting like the guy who meant everything to her never existed just because he died.”
I ground my jaw but didn’t say anything as I stared at her, willing myself to calm down. “Grey is always struggling, Charlie. Don’t hold it against her for continuing to live.”
Charlie swallowed thickly and nodded as she slid off the bar stool. Grabbing her purse, she turned to leave, and just before I could ask why she was leaving, she looked back at me and said, “Is this coming from Ben’s best friend, or the guy who always wanted to take Grey from him?”
“Charlie!”
“I always wanted you and Grey to be together, Jag. Always.” Her eyes brightened with unshed tears, and she offered me a weak smile. “I was always waiting for the day she would see the life you wanted to give her. But she chose Ben, and now she’s acting like he was never even here.”
“You have no idea what you’re saying. You haven’t seen what she goes through every day.”
“Tell me this, what would Ben say if he were here, huh? If he saw you two together all the time.”
I stood there with everything in me aching, and Charlie nodded.
“That,” she choked out, and cleared her throat, “that is what I’m not okay with.”
I watched as she walked out of the building, and didn’t try to stop her. She couldn’t have been more wrong, but I didn’t know what to say to make her understand. I didn’t know what to say, period. I’d never seen my sister respond this way, especially to Grey. It didn’t make sense, and now I was afraid she’d said something to Grey.
Grabbing my keys, I ran out to my car and called Grey, but her phone rang until her voice mail picked up. I stopped just outside the driver’s-side door, rested my elbows on top of the hood of my car, and just listened to her voice as I did every time I got her voice mail. That same happy, nothing-can-touch-me voice that had always been distinctly Grey before Ben died.
Without leaving a message, I got into my car and drove to her parents’ house, but didn’t stop when I didn’t see her car out front. If she wasn’t answering her phone and wasn’t there, there were only two places I could think of where she would be.
I was just hoping it wasn’t the cemetery.
Driving through town, I tried her cell one more time, and after getting her voice mail, I turned off onto an old, familiar path. I took what felt like my first real breath since Charlie had left my place, when I found Grey’s car parked out near the lake and pulled up next to it. Turning off my car, I looked over at the short dock for a few minutes before stepping out and making my way down to the place we’d spent so many days and nights when we were growing up.