“Hope that he finds your mother entertaining,” Adam said, flipping through channels and pausing on some sports talk show.
“Oh my God! That’s right. I have to warn him.” I tried calling again but he still wasn’t picking up. I sighed.
“She won’t even be there anymore. She’s probably at the Marriott by now. He’ll figure it out when he gets there and nobody’s home.”
“You’re right. Although, I’m sure that the experience of having visited my apartment will be worth it to her, since she’ll have something else to judge me about forever.”
“Ignore her. You don’t need her approval.” I sat down next to him, giving him a loving squeeze. “The only opinion that matters is mine.” I poked him in the ribs. “Hey! Watch it.” He laughed.
We just sat and cuddled while he watched Sports Center, or whatever it was, and I read. I felt myself truly relaxing for the first time in a long time. An hour later, Bruce returned my call.
“Buzz me up,” was all he said before clicking off. When Adam swung the door open five minutes later, an irate-looking g*y man glared at us from the hall.
“Hey, Bruce. How’s it going?” Adam asked with a smile.
“You didn’t tell me that your mother was in town.” He put his hands on his h*ps and gave me his best pouty face. Then he stomped his foot for good measure. Yes, actually stomped his foot. Of late, Bruce had been very Bette Davis. I’m not sure what had led him to unleash his inner-gay stereotype, but he was playing it to the hilt.
“She was still there? I tried to warn …” I began as he stormed past us.
“I can’t believe you’ve never introduced me to such a charming woman!” I furrowed my brow, searching his face for a hint of sarcasm but amazingly there wasn’t one.
“Did you say charming?” I asked, thinking I must have misunderstood him.
“I showed up at your hovel and found her there. At first I just thought it was you looking really haggard, but she introduced herself properly and the two of us had the best chat! I can’t believe you just abandoned her to the ghetto.”
“Abandoned her?”
“Did you know that she was in labor with you for twenty-three hours?”
“I’m going to be getting another work-out, aren’t I,” Adam asked, looking resigned.
“So, of course, we got around to planning your wedding.”
“Of course,” I mumbled through gritted teeth.
“Let me eat some more first, Lily. I need the calories for energy,” Adam pleaded.
Chapter Eight
We sat listening to Bruce go on about the most “brilliant” wedding planner ever to walk the face of the Earth, someone named Mr. Jonathan. The way Bruce described him, Mr. Jonathan could design the wedding of century while curing cancer and splitting the atom.
As it turned out, my mother’s former law firm had done some work for him and he owed her a favor. Bruce was practically peeing his pants with excitement about the prospect of getting to observe the maestro up close. I had a feeling that was why he was so charmed by the Ice Queen.
“So, this guy Jonathan is a genius at weddings,” Adam said. “Maybe we should just let him do everything. We can just show up and not worry about it.”
“Oh, he’ll want your input. Part of his genius is matching the event to the couple. He’ll want to interview you and get a feel for your entire relationship together, and then he’ll suggest a unifying theme.”
“What, like combat?” Adam asked with a laugh.
“Yeah, he’s right,” I agreed. “Our history together wasn’t exactly filled with lollipops and rainbows. He wrote in my name on our class election ballot as Queen of the Harpies.”
“How do you know that was me?’
“Who else would have done something like that?”
“Well, you sent forged documents to the nurse’s office, claiming I needed to give a stool sample.”
“You have no proof.”
“I’m sure he can work with it,” Bruce interrupted.
“Well, he can consult, but I get final say on everything. I’m the bride,” I reminded him.
“Don’t you own anything other than porn, violent movies, old baseball games and the X-Files?” Bruce called out, sounding disgruntled, while Adam and I cleaned up. Clearly, no one had ever defined “guest” for Bruce.
“What else is there?” Adam asked, coming back out and settling on the sofa again. He patted the seat next to him and I almost hurtled the coffee table to get there. Then his phone rang. “It’s Braden,” he said before clicking on. “Hey, man. What’s up? Just hanging out with Bruce. Why don’t you come over? Just bring him. It’s no problem as long as he pees outside. Okay, see you in a few.”
“Gabrielle, Braden, and Mark are coming over,” Adam said when he clicked off.
“And you’re going to make Mark pee outside?” I asked.
“They’re bringing their dog, smartass,” he said tickling my ribs and making me squeal.
“Bad T.V. and cutsie tickles and giggles. I need a drink. Where’s the bar?” Bruce asked, looking around the apartment.
“Down the street,” I answered.
“In the kitchen to the right,” Adam said with a laugh.
“You just keep it up missy, and I won’t let you have any of my famous margaritas.”
“I’ve had your famous margaritas. They’re strong enough to get a contact hit just from being in the same room.” Bruce went off to make his paint thinner and I snuggled closer to Adam. “So, what were they doing?”
“Braden took Gabrielle out for a drink and they ran into Mark. They were just thinking about hanging out but they wanted to see what we were doing. So, I guess we’re entertaining.”
I talked Adam into downloading Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Bruce brought out two pitchers of his infamous margaritas, which was enough to get a small nation drunk. We had just gotten everything ready when Braden called to be buzzed up. Bruce announced that he was going to use the bathroom before a crowd formed. I congratulated him on his brilliant strategy.
A minute later, we were greeting our friends. Braden set Bruno down and removed his leash, and the tiny Chihuahua immediately set off at full sprint for the bedroom.
“Hey, where’s he going?” I asked nervously. I didn’t want to find any little Bruno souvenirs in my shoes later.
“He always checks a place out,” Gab explained. “Don’t worry, he’ll be right back.”
As I led Gabrielle and Braden to the living room I heard Adam quietly ask Mark why he wasn’t out getting laid. Mark explained that he hooked up with some chick earlier, but while she had “moaned like a p**n star,” everything else that had come out of her mouth was so annoying that he had left after only one round. Ah, romance.
“Where’s Bruce?” Gabrielle asked sitting down on the couch next to Braden.
“He’s apparently taken up residence in the bathroom,” I replied. “Try some of his margaritas if you don’t mind losing some brain cells.” Mark bravely walked over to take his chances. Maybe he needed a drink after the encounter with the annoying p**n star earlier that evening. I heard a sound and I looked up toward the bedroom just as Bruno came hauling ass down the hall with something in his mouth.
It took me a second to figure out what it was and then it hit me. Holy shit! That dog had my vibrator! I gasped and Adam quickly looked up. He followed my gaze and I saw recognition dawn on him. Maybe it was his courtroom training, but he was grace under pressure, and he managed to cut Bruno off before he got to the living room.
“Hey there, Bruno. How about you give that to me, buddy,” he cajoled but Bruno was having none of it. He had found a toy and he wanted to play catch … with his Daddy. I watched in horror as he changed direction and headed straight for Braden. My legs were longer than his, though, and I beat him there.
“Nice doggie!” I said desperately, trying to intercept him. Seeing that his path was blocked on two sides now, and still not wanting to give up his prize, Bruno turned, skidded, and ran full-speed in the other direction, passing Bruce, who was finally exiting the bathroom. The determined little Chihuahua then headed back into the bedroom with Adam right behind him.
“What was that he had in his mouth?” Mark asked.
“I’m not sure,” Braden said with a laugh. “He was moving too fast.” They both looked at me quizzically. I thanked God that they hadn’t gotten a better view, and I was just about to make something up, when Bruce arrived in the living room.
“Did that dog have a vibrator in his mouth?” he asked loudly. “Couldn’t you find something else to play catch with?”
Mark choked on his margarita and Braden turned his head and covered his mouth with his fist in attempt not to laugh. It failed. So much blood rushed to my cheeks that I probably turned puce. Adam came out of the bedroom, carrying Bruno, sans sex toy.
“I believe this belongs to you,” he said, calmly handing Bruno to Gabrielle. Adam seemed to be taking this in stride. He came over and put his arms around me. It probably wasn’t hard to figure out that I was feeling a bit flustered by the experience.
“Lily! I’m so sorry!” Gabrielle spoke up, looking like she felt really bad. “But don’t be embarrassed. It’s no big deal. I still have my vibrator. Braden and I were just playing with it last night,” she announced in a soothing voice. There was a reason we called Gabrielle “Too Much Information Girl.”
“Gabrielle!” Braden exclaimed. He wasn’t laughing anymore. Mark still was though. In fact, he was laughing so hard at that point that he was doubled over.
“I hope you’re going to throw that thing out. While you’re at it, you should probably get rid of the year’s worth of issues of Maxim in bathroom,” Bruce said, pouring himself another drink, as if he hadn’t seen or heard anything out of the ordinary.
“Snacks!” I called out like vendor at Yankee Stadium. “Who wants snacks?”
I took off for the kitchen before anyone answered. I was digging around frantically looking for finger foods that went well with margaritas that tasted like rubbing alcohol when Adam came in. He walked over to me and pulled me into a hug again. I think he was trying to comfort me, but he may have actually been trying to protect me at that point. Whatever his motive was, I really appreciated it, so I hugged him back fiercely.
“Lily, don’t worry about it. I’m sure it doesn’t shock them that we play with sex toys.”
“It’s not about shocking them,” I said with my check pressed tightly up against his chest. “It’s just that it’s private. First my apartment is bugged and now our friends know what we did in bed a few hours ago.”
“They don’t know when we played with it last. Unlike Gabrielle and Braden.” He laughed and the vibration felt good. No pun intended.
“I hope you threw it away.”
“What do you think?” He put his fingers under my chin, tilted my face up, leaned down, and then he kissed me, making me relax and forget about my humiliation. We tangled tongues for a minute or two, and then after giving my ass a quick squeeze, he pulled back. “Come on. We left them alone with Bruce and Bruno.”
We came back out and settled it the living room with everyone else. Our friends had the kindness and tact to change the subject, and we joked and talked about some of our recent court cases for a while. After about an hour, we were all getting a little loopy and giggly.
“I must tell you, this is much more entertaining than listening to whatever-her-name-was, talk about how some other chick unfriended her on Facebook,” Mark said eventually to Adam.
“Who?” Bruce asked.
“Just somebody I was socializing with earlier,” Mark answered.
“Horizontally socializing,” Adam said with a laugh and Mark glared at him.
“And you don’t know what her name was?” Gabrielle asked shaking her head.
“Don’t judge. She yelled out ‘Mike’ at one point.”
“Gee, Gabrielle, doesn’t being a player sound like fun?” I joked.
“Yeah, right?” She rolled her eyes.
“Hey, I have to get laid somehow or I’ll go nuts. It is what it is.”
“Why don’t you find somebody to date?” Gab asked.
“Because Lily’s already taken,” he joked giving Adam an amused look.
“Will you stop flirting with her already?” It was Adam’s turn to glare now.
“He’s just kidding around,” I soothed. “I think he’ll end up with Beth anyway.” Oh shit. Had I said that out loud? How many margaritas had I had? I hoped that Beth wouldn’t be unfriending me in real life.
“I think so too,” Gab agreed enthusiastically, to my surprise.
“You do?” And Braden’s surprise.
“Beth? I don’t really know her very well.” And Mark’s too, apparently.
“And you won’t ‘know’ her,” Braden said, making little air quotes, “unless you’re looking to date her seriously.”
“Why do you say that, though, just out of curiosity?” Mark asked us, ignoring Braden. Now he sounded more intrigued than surprised.
“It’s just a feeling,” Gab answered. “I think you would make a nice couple.”
“I figured you would get along well,” I said. “She’s hip and artsy and you’re hip and edgy.” I left out the part where she admitted to me that she thought he was hot.