“And you said you would choose me.”
“I would,” she said. “I do.”
Neal huffed.
Georgie waited.
“Why are we fighting?” he asked. “Are you punishing me because I didn’t call you today?”
“No.”
“Then why are we fighting?”
Why were they fighting? They shouldn’t be fighting. Georgie was supposed to be wooing him, making him forgive her, making him love her—letting it all happen.
“Because,” she sputtered. “Because I want to!”
“What?”
“I just want to get everything out. I want every horrible thing on the table. I want to fight about it all now, so we never have to again!” She was shouting.
Neal was seething. “I don’t think that’s possible.”
“I can’t do it!” she said. “I can’t keep fighting with you about the same things over and over again. I can’t keep not fighting about the same things over and over again. I can’t go another day, pretending you’re not pissed with me, pretending everything’s fine, talking in that stupid cheerful voice I use when I know you’re just quietly hating me.”
“Georgie.” Neal sounded surprised. And hurt. “I never hate you.”
“You do. You will. You hate what I do to your life, and that’s the same as hating me—that’s just as bad. If you hate your own life because of me, that’s worse.”
“Jesus. I don’t hate my life.”
“You will.”
“Is that a threat?”
She forced down a sob. “No. It’s a promise.”
“What the—” Neal stopped. He never swore in front of her, she wasn’t sure if he ever swore, period. “—what’s wrong with you tonight?”
“I just want to get it over with.”
“What? Us?”
“No,” she cried. “Maybe. I want to say every terrible true thing. I don’t want to trick you into coming back to me, Neal. I don’t want to tell you it’s all going to be okay when I know it isn’t.”
“You’re not making sense.”
“It’s not going to be okay. If you come back. If you forgive me or whatever it is you need to do. If you tell yourself that you’ll just get used to it. To Seth and L.A. and my job . . . You’re wrong. You’ll never get used to it. And you’ll blame me. You’ll hate me for keeping you here.”
Neal’s voice was cold. “Stop telling me that I hate you. Stop using that word.”
“It’s your word,” she said, “not mine.”
“Why are you being like this?”
“Because I don’t want to trick you.”
“Why do you keep saying that?”
“Because part of me does want to trick you. Part of me wants to say whatever I have to say to make sure you’ll still want me. I want to tell you that it’ll be different—better. That I’ll be more sensitive, that I’ll compromise more. But I won’t be, Neal, I know I won’t be. And I don’t want to trick you. Nothing is ever going to change.”
Neal was quiet.
Georgie imagined him standing on the other side of the kitchen, their kitchen, staring into the sink. Lying next to her in bed, facing the wall. Driving away from her without looking back.
“Everything is going to change,” Neal said before she was ready for it. “Whether we want it to or not. Are you—Georgie, are you saying you don’t want to be better to me?” He didn’t give her a chance to answer. “Because I want to be better to you. I promise to be better to you.”
“I can’t promise you that I’ll change,” she said. Georgie couldn’t make promises that her twenty-two-year-old self wouldn’t keep.
“You mean you don’t want to.”
“No,” she said, “I—”
“You can’t even promise me that you’ll try? From this moment onward? Just try to think about my feelings more?”
Georgie coiled the yellow cord around her fingers until her fingertips went white. “From this moment onward?”
“Yeah.”
She couldn’t make promises for her twenty-two-year-old self. But what about for this version of herself? The one that was on the phone with him. The one that was still refusing to let him go.
“I . . . I think I can promise that.”
“I’m not asking you to promise me that everything will be perfect,” Neal said. “Just promise me that you’ll try. That you’ll think about how it feels for me when Seth is in your bedroom. That you’ll think about how long you’re leaving me waiting when you’re at work. Or how I might be feeling when I’m stuck at a stranger’s party all night. I know I’ve been a jerk, Georgie—I’m going to try not to be. Will you try with me?”
“From this moment onward?”
“Yeah.”
From this moment onward, from this moment onward. She grabbed on to the idea and held tight. “Okay,” she said. “I promise.”
“Okay. Me, too.”
“I’ll be better to you, Neal.” She steadied herself against the bed. “I won’t take you for granted.”
“You don’t take me for granted.”
“Yes,” she said, “I do.”
“You just get caught up—”
“I take for granted that you’ll be there when I’m done doing whatever it is I’m doing. I take for granted that you’ll love me no matter what.”
“You do?”
“Yes. Neal, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” he said. “I want you to take that for granted. I will love you no matter what.”
Georgie felt herself sliding out of control again. “Don’t say that. Take it back.”
“No.”
“Take it back.”
“You’re crazy,” he said. “No.”
“If you say that, it’s like you’re telling me that all the insensitive things I do are okay. It’s like you’re just handing me ‘no matter what.’ You’re pre-pardoning me.”
“That’s what love is, Georgie. Accidental damage protection.”
“No, Neal. I don’t deserve that. And it isn’t even true. Because if I had that, already, you wouldn’t have left.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. The s in “sorry” slurred, like his mouth was pressed against the phone. “I won’t leave again.”