Of course she does. We’ve had many conversations about the ramifications of entering the draft this January or waiting another year and finishing up my degree. But after talking with Eric, I finally made a decision. And actually, it feels like the right thing to do. I just don’t think I can stay here at Barnett without her. The memories will end up killing me.
“So, I’ve decided to go ahead and do it. I’m entering the draft in January.”
A big bright smile lights up her face as she jumps gracefully off the bed and bounces right into my arms. “I’m so happy for you, Roan! If you think it’s the right decision, then it is.”
I nod. As much as I want to wrap my arms around her and hold her long lean body close to mine, I don’t. Because if I do, I’m afraid I won’t be able to walk away from her when I’m done.
“Yeah, I think so, too,” I add softly.
Sensing that something still isn’t right, she pulls away until she’s able to meet my somber gaze. Any moment I’m going to crack. I can all but feel it.
“Roan?”
Again I have to clear my throat as my eyes slide away from hers. I can’t look at her as I recite the words. I just can’t. “So here’s the thing- I feel like I need to focus on football right now. I need to get bigger, stronger, faster. My agent thinks if I can improve my times at the combine, I’ll generate more interest with the scouts. Then I’ll have a better chance of going in the first or second round and securing a bigger signing bonus.”
I let those words hang in the air.
For a long painful heartbeat, she doesn’t say anything. Finally I force my eyes to fasten onto hers. Still she doesn’t make a sound. Not one single fucking sound. All she does is stare at me with big wide eyes that are swimming with both hurt and shock. Like she can’t quite believe those words just came tumbling out of my mouth.
The look in her eyes is killing me. I feel like such an asshole right now because I don’t want her to believe for one fucking moment that football is more important than her.
It’s not.
And ball has always been more important than just about anything in my life.
But not Ivy.
Never Ivy.
In the short time I’ve known her, Ivy has come to mean absolutely everything to me. No one knows me the way she does. And it’s doubtful anyone will ever know me like that again. She sees the person I am beneath all the hype, all the bullshit. It’s going to kill me to let her go. The only consolation I have is that it would slowly kill her to stay. To give up this opportunity to dance with the Cincinnati Ballet. I just can’t allow that to happen. It’s that knowledge alone that has me following through with this.
“What are you saying?” Her words sound as if they’re being strangled from her body.
Again I plow my hand through my hair in agitation as I glance away from her right before the words spill from my lips. “I think it’s best if we take a break right now so I can focus on the draft. I can’t afford to have any distractions right now.”
She makes a hurt little noise deep in her throat that cuts me to the quick. “You’re saying I’m a… a distraction?” So much devastation packed into those six little words.
No, god, no!
It takes everything within me not to reach out and grab hold of her, to soothe her with words of love as I wrap my arms around her. The last thing I want is to push her away.
“Right now- yeah. I have to give one hundred percent to this.” I shrug my shoulders. “All my focus and drive needs to be concentrated on the draft. On adding muscle and cutting down my times. And then there’s school…” I suck in a deep, painful breath of air before adding, “I need to finish strong. It’s important to me.”
When she slowly untangles herself from me, I know it’ll be the last time I hold her in my arms. Already they ache from the loss of her.
“How can you say that? I thought,” shaking her head, her slender shoulders slump before she turns away. Bowing her head, she buries her face her in hands. She doesn’t make a single sound. I really don’t think I could bear to hear her cry right now. I’m on the verge of crumbling as it is. One little heartbreaking sound from her and it’ll be over. I won’t be able to stop myself from yanking her back into my arms and telling her that I didn’t mean one damn word of what I said.
This is so much harder than I thought it would be.
Like a magnet, I feel the pull of her and can’t resist moving closer. Even though I’m the one bent on inflicting pain, I want to somehow make it better. Gently I lay a hand on her shoulder. As soon as I do, it goes rigid. I hate that what I’m doing will end up tainting our entire relationship.