After another long silence that leaves me feeling twitchy, Eric’s face finally softens. “Look Ivy, ultimately you’re the one who has to live with this decision. Personally, I think you’re making a huge mistake and it’s going to be one you end up regretting.” His eyes continue searching mine. “Have you already called them?”
Silently I shake my head. “No, not yet.”
Briefly he closes his eyes. When he opens them again, they arrow straight to mine before he squeezes my hand with his fingers. “I know you’re scared to jump into this- to uproot your life… again, when you just returned from Paris. And there’s this guy who you really seem to like and life here at Barnett is familiar and comfortable. I get it, I really do. The prospect of taking a chance on this, moving to Cincinnati, not finishing up your degree- it’s all happening really fast. But this opportunity is what you’ve been working towards your whole life. You really need to think about that before you just throw it away.”
“I don’t know what to do, Eric.” Feeling even more confused, I shake my head. “Part of me wants it so badly and the other part just wants to stay here. At least until the end of the year.”
“I know.” Squeezing my hand again, a sympathetic light fills his eyes. “Moving on, actually grabbing your dream with two hands can be a scary prospect. If you do this, your whole world will change. This is it, Ivy. The CBC is huge. But I know you’re ready to take on this challenge. There were over two hundred dancers who auditioned for just two spots. They wouldn’t have chosen you if you hadn’t impressed them with your skill and ability. If they feel you’re ready for the rigor and challenge that comes with this position, then you should trust in that.” His eyes sear mine. “Can you really just walk away from such an amazing opportunity to live out your dreams?”
Miserably I shake my head. “I’m not sure…”
“I think we both know why you’re walking away from this.” His eyes narrow. “Did he tell you not to do it? Is that why you’re backing out?”
My eyes flare wide. “Of course not! Roan would never tell me not to follow my dreams.” I gnaw my bottom lip trying to decide if I should tell him the whole truth. But I just want to get it all out in the open. I want to be totally honest with someone. I’m holding everything in and it’s ripping me apart. “I didn’t tell him I was offered the position.”
That announcement is met with wide eyes and yet another deafening silence that leaves me cringing.
Just when I don’t think I can take another moment of his intense stare, he repeats slowly as if he must have misheard me, “You didn’t tell him you got the part?”
Slowly I shake my head. “I was going to and then…” unsure what to say, my words trail off.
Waiting for an answer he asks, “And then what?”
In a very small voice, I finally admit, “I don’t want to lose him, Eric. He’s the first guy I’ve ever really cared about.” Is it so hard to understand that I wouldn’t want to throw away a relationship that actually feels meaningful? Doesn’t Eric realize what a struggle this decision has been for me? “Everything is just so different with him.”
“Do you really think he would want you to walk away from your dreams? Would you want that for him? He’s the one who’s going to be drafted by the NFL, right? Would you want him giving that up for you?”
The words slide off my lips before I can even think about them. “Of course not!” I wouldn’t ever want Roan giving up anything for me. Least of all his dreams. The ones he’s worked so tirelessly for ever since he was a kid.
Tilting his head to the side, he asks quietly, “Then why don’t you talk to him and give him a chance to tell you what he thinks. If he cares about you, Ivy, he won’t want you sacrificing everything you’ve spent your entire life working towards.”
The bitch of it is, I know Eric is right. Which is why I’ve been keeping this from Roan. Because I know exactly what he’ll tell me to do.
Straightening to his full height, Eric jerks his head towards the barre where the other dancers are still stretching. “What you need is to get out of your head for a while. And I can help with that.” He gives me a small smile.
An evil smile.
I know all too well that Eric will work me over so I don’t have one single moment to think about Cincinnati or Roan or what I’m going to do. And that’s exactly what I need right now. I need to lose myself in dance. In the rigor of the choreography. I need to shut off my brain and just feel the movement as it flows through me, lighting me up from the inside out.