“I love you, too.” I murmur the words right before laying my head against his big broad chest. As I lay there listening to the quick thudding of his heart, I realize I didn’t tell him about the call, about Cincinnati.
Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, all those conflicting emotions tumble their way back into my brain again. It has me wondering if that’s what I really want anymore. Because in this moment, the one unfolding right now, all I want is Roan.
I want this.
I’m scared that if I leave, I’ll lose it. I’ll lose him.
It suddenly feels as if no matter what I choose, I’m going to lose something precious.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Awwww, yet another ooey-gooey photo snapped of Roan King and his girl… Is anyone else getting sick of seeing these two lovebirds together??? I know I am. KingOfCampus.com
“Babe, I’m so sorry you didn’t get it.” Roan pulls me into a big warm hug, holding me close as he gently rubs my back, offering me comfort. “You must be really bummed.” He drops a series of light kisses on the top of my head. “Those bastards don’t know what they’re missing out on.” He sounds angry. Like he’s actually affronted on my behalf.
Which is so sweet…
Staring out over the rolling lawns of Barnett, I watch as people rush past us on their way to and from class. Its early November now and the trees are completely bare. The winds have grown chilly making it necessary to wear a warm winter coat when heading out.
Clearing my throat, because I absolutely hate lying to him, I finally murmur, “Yeah, I’m bummed about not getting it.” Which isn’t necessarily a lie. I am bummed about not going to Cincinnati. But I feel like it would be even worse if I went and lost out on my chance to have this relationship develop into something more.
Honestly, I have no idea if I’m making the right decision or not. I was panicked by the thought of losing Roan after I agreed to the position in the corps de ballet. But now that I’ve decided to turn it down, I can’t help but wonder if that’s a mistake as well. I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter what I choose, I’m going to miss out on something.
I haven’t called Mr. Moliter back just yet because I wanted a bit more time to mull it over. But that, unfortunately, hasn’t gotten me any closer to feeling settled about my decision. I’m just as conflicted as I was before. God, I was so thrilled when I received that call. And within ten minutes of jumping for joy, I was crashing back to reality unsure if I should even take the position with the company. Then, after making love with Roan, I’d decided the best course of action would be to stay at Barnett.
But that doesn’t feel like the right choice either…
“I’m so proud of you for going there and auditioning. It takes a lot of courage to go after your dreams.”
Even though he’s trying to bolster my spirits, his words only make me feel worse. And I can’t even tell him that. I can’t tell him I was offered a position but plan on turning it down.
Forcing my lips up, I say, “Thanks.”
“You just have to look at it as a test run. Can you call and maybe see if they’ll give you some feedback on your performance?” Again he presses a kiss gently against the top of my head. “Constructive criticism is always helpful.”
“Ummm, yeah… Maybe.” I bite down on my lower lip until it feels as if I’ve drawn blood. Any moment the truth is going to come bursting out of my lips. Before that can happen, I quickly untangle myself from him. “I should probably get going. I need to talk with Eric before class starts.”
“Okay, I’ll walk with you,” he offers before giving me another sympathetic smile. He’s trying so hard to cheer me up. And it’s all but killing me.
Even though I feel like I did this for the right reasons, it feels wrong that I’m lying to Roan about the audition. But I know exactly what will happen if I tell him the truth- that I did, in fact, get the part- he’ll tell me to go. He’ll tell me we can make a long distance relationship work.
And that will be the beginning of the end.
All of these mixed up feelings continue rolling around in my head as we walk in silence to the fine arts building. Once we’re outside the cement stairs leading inside, Roan envelopes me in his arms. After a moment or two, his eyes search mine before he says softly, “I really am sorry, Ivy. I know how much you wanted this. Rejection sucks. I guess it’s just part of the process, right?”
Unable to open my mouth because if I do, I’m pretty sure the truth is going to come pouring out, I simply nod.