“Lola,” Charles said again as all eyes gazed at me. “You have to tell us now. Whom do you choose?”
Chapter Fifteen
Xavier
I could feel Stephan’s eyes on Lola as we all waited for her answer. I could see the way he was staring at her so intently, like a fox watching his prey before he got ready to pounce. He wanted her. I could see it in the way that he watched her. He wanted her and it was about more than just getting back at me. She’d touched a part of him, intrigued him as she’d intrigued me. I’d been surprised when I’d seen him with the feather, touching her lightly and delicately. I’d been sure he’d do something more, try something harder, more intimate. Like he had with Violeta. I wasn’t sure why he’d used a dildo on her and then a feather on Lola, but it had calmed me down. Stopped me from going in the room and punching his teeth out. I’d been happy that he’d used the feather, until I’d seen Lola’s reaction to it. It had turned her on and she’d been moaning and sliding on the bed. And I’d been crazy with jealousy and madness. And when she’d come, I’d wanted to die. I’d wanted to cut myself into tiny pieces and throw them into the ocean because it was in that moment that I’d know I was scum. The fact that I’d brought her here, the fact that I’d thought this was okay, it showed me that I was no better than the other men here. I loved Lola and I’d betrayed her and myself by trying to get into the inner circle. I knew now that it wasn’t important. But it was too late. It was too late to change any of it. I was angry with myself and I was angry at myself, too. I’d lost control in the room with her. I’d lost control as I’d sucked on her nipples, wanting her to feel the pain that was ravaging me inside, but also wanting her to experience the most exquisite and tender pleasure that she could. She was my Lola, my morning glory, my colorful artwork in a room full of monochrome and I’d forgotten that. I’d gotten caught up. I wanted to punch the wall. How could I have gone down this road? We had been brought together by light, by wondrous paintings, by beauty, and I had taken her into a world of darkness and ugliness. I’d taken away our joy.
“Enough,” I stepped forward and shouted. “Lola will not be making a choice tonight.” I looked around the room and glared at Casper and Stephan. “I will not subject her to this anymore. We’re leaving.”
“If you leave, Xavier, you will be giving up any chance you may have had at gaining access to the inner circle of the Society of Brother’s,” Charles said and looked at me, his eyes in disbelief at what I’d just said.
“Fuck the inner circle,” I growled and grabbed Lola’s arm. “Fuck the inner circle and all of you. I won’t do this to Lola anymore. I love her too much for this. I’m sorry, Lola.” I looked into her shocked face. “I’m so sorry that I’ve done this to you. Please say you can forgive me?”
She gazed back at me with wide eyes, unspeaking. I could see the shock in her face. She almost looked shell-shocked. It had all been too much. I realized that now. I’d been terribly selfish and we were both going to pay for that. We were both already paying for it. “I’m done with this madness,” I said as I looked directly at Stephan. “It’s over,” I said, my voice sounding almost hysterical. I pulled Lola towards me and walked to the door. “It’s over, Lola,” I said as she cuddled into me, tears rolling down her face as we exited. My heart felt heavy as we walked through the building. I had messed up big time and I wasn’t sure how I was going to fix it. As we got into the car after she’d gotten dressed, I stared at her forlorn face and my heart broke. I was angry with myself and I was scared. I had made us leave because I was ashamed of myself for putting Lola through this whole ordeal, but I’d also made us leave because I’d been scared that she was going to choose Stephan. Though, I wasn’t scared at the thought of not making it into the inner circle; I was scared because it meant that I could possibly lose Lola. And there was no way in hell that I was going to let that happen.
Chapter Sixteen
Lola
There’s a feeling between happiness and sadness. It’s a sort of melancholy that hovers over your soul, wanting to suck you in. It’s the place where tears hang out, wanting to be shed. It’s the place where laughter hides, lost in an abyss of the unknown. This place is like a void, the purgatory of the living. It’s a place that makes you ache, though no limbs hurt, and no painkillers can take away the numbness. Numb head, unseeing eyes, mute voice, and unfeeling heart. All of these make up this feeling. This is the feeling that I now found myself in. This is the feeling that occupied my days and made it hard for me to sleep at night. This is the place where I currently resided. I looked at Xavier and a part of me wondered at how much I hated him and loved him at the same time. How could I love and hate someone so much at the same time? I also wondered if I’d ever get out of that place. Would I ever laugh the youthful, eager, happy naïve laugh of my youth? That thought always made me smile and gave me hope. I hadn’t lost my sense of humor, even through all of this. I knew that part of these feelings stemmed from the fact that Xavier hated me and the other part stemmed from the fact that I hated myself.
“What are you going to do today?” Xavier asked me loudly as he opened my bedroom door and walked into my room. He’d taken to talking to me loudly now, as if I were a hard-of-hearing senior citizen. I knew he thought that this was the only way to reach me. It’d been a week since the tests and I still didn’t feel right about everything. We hadn’t really spoken about what happened and we hadn’t made love, either. I’d barely been able to look at him or myself. I felt ashamed of myself every time I thought of that night. I felt ashamed because I felt dirty and I felt ashamed because I reveled in being dirty in the moment. We’d attempted to talk the night he’d taken me home. I’d told him that I was going to choose him. I was going to choose the man with the feather. He’d been angry and told me that hadn’t been him. He’d been the one who had been sucking on my breasts. It had shocked me and I’d told him that I had enjoyed that more, but I’d thought it had been Stephan. I’d tried to explain that I had actually preferred him more, but I hadn’t thought it was him. I hadn’t explained it well because it had made him even angrier. And then we’d just stopped talking about it. It wasn’t something either of us had wanted to relive.